My Big, Bad Secret

How I Stopped Feeling Yucky and Afraid

Child Sex Abuse

Child sexual abuse healing for children and the inner child of adults: A true story


Child Sex Abuse

For Children and the Inner Child

I have a big, bad secret. Is it safe to tell you what I did when I was little? Will you believe me? It really happened.

I used to hide and cry a lot. I had a brother and sisters but I felt all alone. I had no one to share my secret with. One summer’s day I took my two dolls, John and Jenny outside. I had named them after two actual teenagers at my school. They were boyfriend and girlfriend. Even though I was only little, I felt I understood these teenagers because I, too, was in a relationship – with my neighbor, Paul. This man did secret things to me that sometimes felt nice but made me feel bad. He said he did it because I was more grownup than most girls my age.

I picked up my boy doll, John, and made him do things to Jenny between her legs. That way she knew what it was like when Paul did those things to me. Now I was no longer alone with my pain.

Jenny felt yucky inside and very confused. John was meant to be her friend. Why did he do those things when she didn’t want him to? She loved John and wanted him to love her.

I, too, wanted people to like me, but my neighbor Paul, whom my parents liked, said I was a bad girl because I made him do those bad things. He would hurt me if I didn’t do them but he said it was my fault. So that’s what my doll John told Jenny, too.

Finally, someone was like me.

But then I wondered if I had been bad to make John do that to Jenny. So I got John to say what I had wanted so much for Paul to say. John told Jenny he was sorry. He said she wasn’t bad and that she wouldn’t make him do bad things anymore.

As I was playing, God sat down with me. He was the only one who knew what was going on between my neighbor Paul and me. Paul was married. Paul said that having done that with a married man make me an evil person – an adulteress. I dare not tell anyone about it because Paul said they would lock me up or throw rocks at me until I died if they found out I was making him do these bad things. I didn’t know he was lying. Paul was a grownup, so I thought he must know about these things.

God asked me what I was playing. I told him that my boy doll had hurt Jenny really bad. How did he hurt her?” he asked, “Was it like the way you have been hurt?”

“Yes,” I replied.

God told me that there’s a better way to play with dolls than having them hurt each other. They can be friends and treat each other the way I would like to be treated.

“Am I bad?” I asked.

He assured me that I wasn’t. He said he understood my pain and wanted to help me.

His kindness shocked me. He didn’t condemn me or think I was stupid. I had thought that God is mean and hates sinners like me.

He said there is a good way that men and women could treat each other. Men and women were supposed to love each other and their children. He talked about grownup married people touching each other in a good way but that anyone doing this to a child made him very angry at the older person. He said he would never hate me for what happened and that although bad things occurred he knew how to fix them and he could fix me.

“What is wrong with me?” I asked.

He told me I have a broken heart and that I was not to blame for what was done to me. He said he could fix broken hearts and he could help Jenny, too. He told me to pray for my dolly and ask God to help her with her pain. He said it was okay for me to ask him for help with my pain, too.

“Can I really talk to you about the pain and tell you what happened?” I asked.

“Yes,” he said, “and you can even use the dolls to show me. You are just a little girl and it is best to leave thinking about the way married people act until you are older, but if you have any questions about grownup things can ask me at any time, day or night.”

That made me feel safe. I no longer needed a doll to feel my pain because now I had a real friend – God. For a long while I kept my friendship with God a secret because I figured that if I said that God wasn’t mean and awful, no one would believe it! Now that I am older, however, I know that many people have discovered what a wonderful, kind friend God is and that he cares for children and everyone who hurts and longs to be their best friend.

Related Pages

God’s Love

Help with Sex Abuse

Healing the Inner Child

Stories for Children

Personalized support
Grantley Morris:

© 2010, Grantley Morris. May be freely copied in whole or in part provided: it is not altered; this entire paragraph is included; readers are not charged and it is not used in a webpage. Many more compassionate, inspiring, sometimes hilarious writings available free online at  Freely you have received, freely give. For use outside these limits, consult the author.

[D.I.D. Help] [Much More!] [E-Mail Me]
[Bless & Be Blessed by Facebook] [Daily Quotes] [My Shame]