(M.P.D. is also known as Dissociative Identity Disorder)
Insider Meets God the Father
Dissociative Identity Disorder
Multiple Personality Disorder
Also known as Multiple Personality Disorder (M.P.D.), Dissociative Identity Disorder is a method of coping with the consequences of severe childhood trauma that is more common and less obvious than most people realize. Most of us have met Ė or could even be friends with Ė far more people with D.I.D. than we suppose. Many people with Dissociative Identity Disorder are themselves oblivious to it.
Ashley is delighted to share her story with you because she herself has been helped by the webpages about D.I.D. on this website and to be granted the privilege of helping other people with D.I.D. transforms her own past suffering so that she can no longer see it as a useless waste but as something that empowers her to help other people. Being able to share with others exalts her from being a victim to being a pioneer, blazing a trail to freedom and fulfillment for others to follow.
Most of what Ashley shares focuses on two of her altersí encounters with Father God Ė someone they had previously been afraid of. (Alters are also known as insiders or parts. They are parts of a person that, as a way of quarantining the person from traumatic memories and experiences, had at one stage somewhat isolated themselves from the rest of the person.)
No one in the universe is so slandered and misunderstood by so many people as God is. The mere fact that he allows it shows how kind, gentle, patient, selfless and forgiving he is. For so many astounding reasons, God is the best friend anyone could ever have. One of the greatest dilemmas that alters often face, however, is that they desperately need God and yet they are terrified that he might physically abuse them.
Often their fear stems from them having been abused by a male. It is a well-established psychological fact that fear spreads from the specific thing that originally hurt a person to other things that have only a superficial similarity to the original source of distress. For example, if a little child received a painful snakebite, the child is likely to end up not just frightened of that specific snake, nor even that specific species of snake. In fact the child might end up feeling uneasy even about eels and large worms.
Nevertheless, regarding God as male becomes a huge healing advantage once an alter feels safe with him. It will, for example, help counter a needless fear of non-abusive men.
Another significant reason for many alters fearing God is that abusers, being anti-God, lie about him. Some abusers try to increase their illusion of authority and respectability by deceitfully claiming that God approves of them. Such lies create a highly perverse view of God for the alters of little children who innocently believe whatever older people tell them. Other abusers are so opposed to Christianity that they deliberately try to get their victims to hate Jesus. For example, some get an accomplice to use a false beard and Middle Eastern clothes to disguise themselves as Jesus and then torture children who are too young or traumatized to see through the deceit.
On the other hand, alters need God because he alone is totally safe, available 24/7, will never get sick, burn out or die, thoroughly knows and understands absolutely everything the person has suffered and always knows the perfect way to communicate and help the person. Miracles are a cinch for him. Alters of little children are highly vulnerable, being easily deceived and lacking caution like normal children and sometimes needing help with bathroom difficulties and so on, while having a sexually mature body that might tempt a male or female counselor or friend. God alone is beyond temptation. And only he can fill the unfillable holes within a terrified, love-starved person.
Ashley was inspired by accounts on this website of other peopleís altersí encounters with God. She admits that until reading them she had resisted such experiences, thinking they might be fake. She has now proved for herself, however, that alters are not only capable of genuine and profoundly significant experiences with God, such encounters are actually a key to emotional and spiritual healing.
Sit back and enjoy what Ashley has to share.
For a long time, I was scared to even think that I might have Dissociative Identity Disorder, but Iím so happy now. God knew that I was too afraid to admit it, and he would give me mental pictures of himself interacting tenderly with my alters and healing their excruciating pain. Iím so glad he didnít give up.
I am learning that if I offer my alters love and affirmation, they are the most precious people in the world. My self-talk had always been horribly negative, and now I see that I had heaped years of abuse on these people inside of me who didnít deserve it. I have now discovered that when I offer them affirmation and encouragement, I feel the benefits in my own mind and body. The more I love and cherish and allow these beautiful selves to flourish, the more God is able to work in each of us and make us whole.
Before getting to the heart of what I have to share I would like to briefly share something about the sections of this website that describe gaining of abilities through healing from D.I.D. (For example, see The Positive Benefits of Befriending Every Alter.) All my life, writing has been very important for me, but I havenít been able to write fiction, as though there were a block whenever I tried. This began to change as God unlocked my repressed and hidden parts and emotions. Last year, I wrote a novel in one month. It was picked up for publication almost immediately in a very miraculous set of circumstances. It is stocked by major booksellers and now Iím nearly finished with my second novel.
I truly believe that if I had never opened the door for healing, I would never have been able to do these things that are becoming more and more important in my life (and increasingly feel like part of Godís ultimate calling for me). It makes me see how high the stakes are with healing. That doesnít frighten me; it just encourages me that God isnít going to give up, because the journey weíre on has a goal that goes beyond just feeling better (as important as that is). Itís a journey that produces fruit that impacts our lives and the world in very practical and meaningful ways as well.
Two of my alters are very excited and want to share an experience with you. They are too shy to write themselves, so I am writing for them.
One of them is 4-6 years old, I believe, and the other is around 12-15 years old. The younger has been getting to know Jesus for a while now and likes him a lot. I have only recently become aware of the older one. She bore the brunt of my horrendously painful pre-teen and early teenage years. Not too long ago, she started to voice her intense anger and extreme fear and shame. Listening to her has helped a little bit, but she remained very hopeless and sometimes suicidal because of her deep craving to be touched. She believed this desire could never be met and she wanted to be rid of it because she felt it made her weak. Her feelings of isolation and alienation were overwhelmingly intense, and she genuinely believed that she would never feel truly safe or cared for. I used to self-harm, and I now believe it was because that was the only way that she ever felt touched by anything.
Last night, both alters were with Jesus. The older had been coming with the younger for a while, though she would not participate as much. Suddenly my little alter asked Jesus if he would take her to meet God the Father. This surprised me because they have both been apprehensive about him. I have always felt myself held back when I interact with God the Father, as if some alters were not participating.
Jesus was delighted, and took the little oneís hand and brought her to Father God. I donít claim, as an adult host, to have any idea how this works, but itís a beautiful mystery that we thank him for. Even more surprisingly, Jesus and I asked the older alter to come as well, and she did, though she was extremely scared.
My younger alter enjoyed Father God greatly and felt very happy with him. She especially liked that he treated her like a little girl, because she has struggled so much with feeling like she has to do everything for me, including adult tasks that are far too difficult. He played with her and held her and made her feel very special.
After this my older alter agreed to approach him. She often doesnít like to stay around to communicate, so it was surprising for her to even be willing to stay so long, let alone meet God. I think watching him with her sister alter made her feel more confident.
The Father called her to come close, and when she did, he knelt down in front of her and put his arms around her. He helped her rest her head on his shoulder, and he held her for a long time. He spoke to her, using a form of her name that no one but him has ever used before. His love was completely beyond anything I can even hope to express. I have been blessed to feel Godís love many times, but this eclipsed by thousands of times every other experience Iíve had. My alter felt like she was being hugged Ė but a hug that was amplified a million times. It was completely overwhelming in a wonderful way. Afterward, we cried because we were so happy, which is very unusual.
Today this alter has been completely different than ever before. She is crazy about the Father now and canít believe that when she prays, he keeps calling her to come again. Sheís happy Ė something that has never happened before. For the first time, she feels really loved, and that love is tangible Ė something that actually touches her. She also feels safe, because she realizes love that vast and that strong cannot help but be protective. Perhaps the best part of all is that she feels deeply connected to God, no longer isolated in her terror and pain.
Both of these alters thought they knew God the Father, but through this experience, they came to know someone who is completely different from who they thought he was. Even their wildest dreams (and mine) didnít approach how loving and accepting and tender he is, while being strong enough to take care of us, too.
We used to read in Grantleyís webpages about Jesusí and his Fatherís tenderness toward other alters and cry because we felt like we would never know that kind of love, but now we have it.
I would like to add a subsequent conversation my alters had with God. It involves the same two alters. Jesusí responses appear in a different color. Sometimes it seemed that one alter was speaking for the other or for both, but most of what is said seemed to concern the older alter. The two alters are separate, but I canít always tell which one is speaking, since they are very close, and they seem to take turns speaking for each other.
I learned a great deal from this conversation, the main thing being that Jesus is much better at speaking to my alters than I am. I can offer love and support, but with his love and his understanding of exactly what she needed, he was able to totally reverse the negative track my older alter had been on. He also helped her to sleep. This was something really wonderful that I havenít experienced before.
My alter began:
Jesus, weíre so frightened inside. Why is it that when the Father is nice to us, we lose sight of how nice you are? We have been loving you a long time now, but we canít see that any more, and weíre scared of you and the fact that you look like a man and that you can hurt us. Love scares us because it has been used against us. We know your love is different because Ashley says so, but itís confusing and hard and we donít know what to do. We want to want you, but when we see you now, it scares us so much. Itís like all we can see now is the Father, but we know you are the same. But how are you the same? We are scared of being too close to someone who is bigger than us and can do things to us. We like remaining distant because it keeps us safe. Please help us to come back to you and let you hold us. Weíre so scared of being close to you.
My children, you are my precious ones. Come close to me, and I will soothe your pain and heal your hurting hearts. Your fear is not from me. It is from the Evil One who wants to keep us apart. The Evil One is not in you. Do not be afraid of that. Heís outside you, but he wants you to think heís in you and part of you. Heís not. You have me, and Iím all you need. I and my Father are one with the Holy Spirit. All three of us love and care for you in special ways, my princesses. You are dear and tender and deeply loved and cared for.
Jesus, I do not feel safe and protected.
Little One, come close to me, and I will hold and protect you.
I donít believe you. What if you hurt me?
I will never hurt you.
What about when bad things happen?
I will shield you in my presence and comfort you with my warm love to soothe your heart. I will hug you.
I donít want your hugs. Youíre a liar.
Satan is a liar. Heís the one who makes you feel afraid. I am the one who gives you comfort and love.
Love is scary. It hurts.
Real love is never scary. Itís only good.
What if you need to discipline us?
I am your Daddy. I wonít scare you. Ever. I will help, not hurt. I donít want to break you. I want to heal you.
We donít want to be healed.
You donít want to hurt. Healing is the opposite of hurting.
How do you know? You havenít hurt this way, have you?
On the cross, I felt the same kind of pain youíre experiencing now, and I know its every depth.
Iím sorry. I donít want anyone to feel that way. Itís terrible.
I am glad I felt that way. It means I know how you feel, and I feel it with you.
Do you really? Ashley doesnít believe that.
I know she doesnít, but itís true. You can help believe it for her and help her.
I am not good at believing things.
I will help you if you let me. I want to help you have faith.
Okay . . . will you cuddle me?
Of course I will, sweetheart. Come and crawl into my lap and let me snuggle you in my arms. Thatís the best place for you to be.
The alter climbed into Jesusí lap.
Thank you. This is nice.
Itís nice for me, too. I love to hold my little girls. I missed you when you didnít come to me, and I waited for the day you would know how much I love you.
Do you mean that?
Of course I mean it. I have always meant it, every time I said it. I will never lie to you about anything.
It seems too wonderful to be true. Grantley says our time with Father God will be made into a webpage soon. Are you okay with that?
Iím very proud of you for sharing when I wanted you to.
It was a little scary, but we were very excited.
I know. It made me happy to see you so excited.
I donít think I have ever been that excited before. It was nice.
I liked it, too. You lit up like a Christmas tree.
Will you stay with us for Christmas? We donít always like it when there are extra people around and things are stressful.
Of course. You can come to me any time and stay in my arms when you need to, and I will hold you close.
Papa, you know that we donít feel okay with ----- [a family member was named]. That is hard to talk about. It scares me very much.
Let me help you. I am proud of you for coming to me about this. Donít worry. I am already helping you, even if it doesnít feel like it yet. You are on a journey. It is steep and long, but we will get there soon, and you will be so happy.
I donít want to trust you with that. I love you, but I donít like trusting anyone. Itís easier to trust myself and it feels safer.
Jesus gently touched the alter in a comforting, respectful way.
Thank you, Jesus. I feel better now. I feel like I can trust you more when you hold me.
Thatís because you see how real I am, and you are starting to know my goodness. I am very proud of you.
How can you like someone so stupid?
Youíre not stupid.
I always feel stupid. I make Ashley feel stupid. She doesnít like me.
She loves you, and I love you. You donít need to be afraid of making mistakes. They donít make you stupid; they make you human. Iím the only one who was ever perfect, and you wear my perfection like a dress.
But other people canít see it. They just see the mess I am.
Do you think Ashley is a mess?
No. Sheís okay. Sheís an adult and everything now.
You look just like her, you know, since youíre in her.
But Iím the stupid part.
You donít have a stupid part. Youíre all intelligent and capable, the way I made you.
I donít want to believe you, but youíre Jesus, and you donít lie.
Good logic, Sweetheart.
Ashley likes logic.
I know. I made her that way.
I like logic, too. It makes sense.
I make sense. I will whisper the meaning of things to you if you will stay close and let me. I know everything, and I can give you the knowledge you want.
You would do that?
Definitely. I will be your teacher.
The alter snuggled into Jesus and sighed happily.
You are very good.
Thank you. I love to be good to you, my precious one.
I used to be so angry, but now Iím only angry sometimes. Thank you for helping me.
You donít need to be angry anymore because youíre safe. You donít need anger to protect you.
No, I have you to protect me, and that doesnít hurt like the anger does. It makes us feel powerful, but then we feel like weíre dying.
You were never meant to take care of yourselves that way. You thought you needed a big anger to give you big protection.
But it didnít make us feel safe. It just made us scared inside.
I can take care of you without hurting you, if youíll let me.
Iím scared, and that makes me more scared. Our parents used to punish us for being scared.
That was very wrong of them. I will never do that to you, my child.
Are you sure? It seemed very real.
Itís not real any more. Ashley will hold you now and not get upset if youíre scared, and I will comfort you.
I feel bad when Iím scared, like a bad person.
Youíre not a bad person, Child.
Is it a sin to be scared?
Itís a natural reaction that is a result of sin in this world, but feelings are not sins. I will help you deal with it and get rid of it. I know it hurts.
I feel like you donít care when I hurt. I know you do because Ashley knows, and we know the same things, but itís hard.
Iím very proud of you for realizing that you and Ashley have the same mind. Sheís very proud of you, too. I know you donít feel like I care all the time yet, but let me keep holding you more and more, and you will. Iím not angry with you
You didnít want me to hurt?
I didnít want you to hurt then, and I donít want you to hurt now.
I feel like I deserved to be hurt, because Iím very bad.
Youíre my little girl, and I say youíre good. What do you say to that?
It feels like a hug when you say that. I like it.
I like it, too. It makes me happy to make you happy.
Thank you, Jesus. You are a good Daddy to all of us, though we donít all know it yet. There are more of us, arenít there?
Yes, there are more, but donít be worried or afraid. We will find them together and heal them.
Iíd like that. I donít want them to hurt.
Neither does Ashley. She will help us, and you will all be whole in my love.
Your love is so protective and nice.
Will you hold us while we sleep? We hate sleeping alone. Itís so scary. Please donít say no.
I wonít say no. Of course you can sleep close to me. I will cuddle you all night long, if you want me too.
Are you sure? That seems like too much, like we shouldnít have that much.
I have more than enough, my child. Come and see.
The alter laid down in Jesusí lap and enjoyed resting while Jesus smiled at her.
Jesus, are we going to marry ----- [personís name deleted]?
Yes, my child, you are going to marry him.
That scares us a little bit.
I know, and thatís why I told you early, so you could be ready and not afraid when itís time.
I donít know if I like him.
Thatís okay. Thereís plenty of time. Donít worry about it. Let me take care of it, and you go to sleep. Let me cuddle you and take away your cares for the night.
I donít know if thatís possible.
Itís possible with me. I love you, and I want you to sleep peacefully.
Iíd like that.
The alter leaned on Jesus and tried to let go of worries. Jesus held her close.
Youíre so nice. Ashley said you were this nice, but I didnít believe her.
Jesus kissed the top of the alterís head and calmed her so that she could sleep.
Iím getting sleepy. I like doing it this way.
Me, too. Now sleep and let me take care of things for you.
The alter went to sleep.
I didnít realize how it would feel to have Jesus help an alter sleep. I felt calmer than I have in ages, possibly since I can even remember. Usually, this alter just leaves. Itís not peaceful Ė more like quietness without peace. This was different. She was quiet, but literally at rest, which is amazing for us both.
Comment by Grantley
Ashley has shared her experience because she is convinced that you can have equally significant encounters with God.
God is in an entirely different category to anyone else. There is no one so tender, compassionate, understanding and patient. He believes in you. He is so wrapped up in your well-being that your pain hurts him. Jesus would not only willingly swap places with you, he did precisely that when he, the totally innocent, eternal Lord let himself be tortured to death on the cross. He yearns to help, support and encourage you.
You are of such incomprehensible importance to God that you not only mean as much to him as Ashley and her alters, there is no one in the entire universe that means more to him than you. Tragically, it is exceedingly difficult for you to grasp this if key people in your life have mistreated you during your most impressionable years. Just as fear spreads like a cancer beyond the specific, so does our impression of how people regard us. God is not even human and yet if key humans in our lives do not respect us, we lose our grip on rational thought and fear that God must be as fickle as humans. Throwing logic to the wind, we needlessly worry that the perfect, forgiving infinite Lord must think about us like those who broke Godís heart and his laws by mistreating us. I have poured my life into a series of webpages exposing this mistaken view and proving that you are of infinite importance and irreplaceable in Godís eyes. See How Much does God Love Me? Receiving a Personal Revelation of Godís Love for You. I beg you to keep reading those pages until you are convinced that God is devoted to you and longs to bless you and to speak tenderly into every part of you.
© 2012 Grantley Morris. May be freely copied in whole or in part provided: it is not altered; this entire paragraph is included; readers are not charged and it is not used in a webpage. Many more compassionate, inspiring, sometimes hilarious writings available free online at www.net-burst.net Freely you have received, freely give. For use outside these limits, consult the author.
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