Dissociative Identity Disorder Healing Insights
I have established what could be called anonymous group therapy for Dissociative Identity Disorder, in which people with multiple personalities can conceal their identity and have e-mail contact with each other in a safe, accepting environment. I would like to share with you a personal e-mail I received from a male member of this group. Iíll call him Jake. Iíve touched up the typing to make it easier for you to read. Jake was too distressed to do this when writing.|
Jake has bravely agreed to share his e-mail because there are many other people who are in the process of healing from Dissociative Identity Disorder and many of these will benefit from learning that they are not alone in their struggles.
Because severe abuse started when he was just a baby, Jake has several baby alters. When these baby alters take over, Jake needs diapers, drinks formula milk, use a pacifier, and so on. (As pacifiers do not work for everyone I have a note about this at the end of the webpage.) You can imagine how humiliating he finds doing these things and how he is often strongly tempted to suppress his baby alters and refuse to give them the baby things they ache for. When he denies them, however, he ends up so inwardly distressed that he finds it very hard to resist sinful ways of easing his distress.
Tragically, Jakeís lovely wife has serious issues herself. Their personal problems kept triggering each other and to my great disappointment she concluded that she was unable to cope with Jakeís alters. She is now in the final stages of divorcing Jake. This added trauma has greatly hindered Jakeís healing, and in fact, caused the formation and/or surfacing of several new alters who are having to learn from scratch what the others had already learned Ė the importance of loving all the alters.
Jakeís combined torment has been horrific, but he still keeps heroically pressing on.
You will discover that Jake calls God Papa and that Jake has an alter who calls himself Hate, and spoke for the first time in this e-mail.Grantley Morris
I am feeling really, really weird.
My alter, Baby, just started crawling. Am I imagining all this? It is kinda freaky. I donít want to share this with the group, lest they think I finally lost my mind. I feel as if I did!!!
I know that when the first baby alter grew, this happened a few times but that alter was not as strong as this one. I do not know what happened to that alter, actually. Like most of my alters, after a certain level of healing they kinda disappear. I hear rumblings in the background, and such. I think they may return as we work through the abandonment and self-worth problems caused by the divorce. This divorce seems to have touched all of the alters and slowed my healing down. Nevertheless, my Papa is in charge of healing and I trust him, however slow or fast he wants it to go. He knows best. I know that these alters are not fully merged with me, even though they are part of me.
When my first baby alter began to grow, it was really neat. We would go into a store and it was like seeing things for the first time in my life Ė looking through the wonder of baby eyes with a body full of giggles, and joy. Colors were so intense. I donít think he has merged but donít know what happened to him just like I wonder where is my alter Jackie? I miss Jackie so much!!!!! In fact, lately most of the alters are kinda missing. I miss them!!!!
This baby alter suddenly took control of me and I had to let him crawl. He was giggling, and talking, but not baby talk. He is too young to speak and yet speaks in tongues.
I need someone to tell me I am not just imagining all this and that it is okay to let this alter take over and crawl, giggle and talk to Papa. I am in the background and can see through his eyes and feel his baby delight. I have never had this experience growing up. I donít think I had it even as a baby.
Do you know what I am afraid of? I know that there are many more baby alters inside that have not yet shown themselves to me. Quite a while ago, when my alter George showed up (by the way, heís been gone for a long time Ė I have no clue where he went) Papa showed me a vision. I saw George crying and hurting, needing a fatherís love. I let George hold me and cry and cry. I looked around and also there were other baby alters, along with one who looked very despondent and apathetic.
I do not want any more baby alters!!!! Having so many young alters is overwhelming at times. It makes me feel so disturbingly freaky. I am starting to cry.
I have made up my mind. My heart is fixed, O Lord. I will keep my eyes on you and let you direct my path. I will love my alters Ė I do. It hurts me and brings me to deep tears when I see all that they went through. It is like one baby alter could not hold all the pain that happened during that time.
Quite a while ago I saw in my mind me as a baby suffering life-threatening abuse. I thought it must have been my imagination but when I told my sister about it she not only confirmed it, she told me that this was a constant thing, and that my mom would walk past, or come into the room when my dad was doing all the abuse. I HATE HER!!!!!
Iíve never said that before. Iíve suppressed it. I hate her!!! I HATE HER!!!!! She did nothing to help. In fact, the first baby alter that I knew is the one she gave oral sex to. How repulsively sick!!! My own mother! I never want to see her again.
I didnít know that this anger was inside. I donít like anger and bitterness. I donít want it.
I canít stop crying and canít stop typing so quick right now that it is filled with typing errors. Iím sorry!!! Iím SORRY!!! DONíT HATE ME because Iím bad and hate my mom.
I am so messed up right now. I wish Iíd never been born!!!! It would be better for me, as Job said in the Bible, if I had been stillborn. But no!!! I was born three months early so that they could start the abuse and putting faeces and urine on me earlier, even before the nine months was up. I should have stayed in the womb. Why did I want to get out so bad!!!!!!
Okay. Sorry!!!! I hate my mom. I HATE HER!!!!!! My name is Hate!!!!! I hold all the hate. Iím bad. Alright, Iíll let Jake talk again now. Sorry to butt in. Bye. Iíll go away now.
Grantley, not many have baby alters and would most likely not understand. If I share this with them they would just hate me. In fact, the last few days I have been really in terror over thinking that all the e-mails I send them are just horrid and that some time soon the whole group will just hate me. I feel I am saying all kinds of things wrongly and hurting others. Isnít it just awful to feel that way! Then you sent me an email saying Iím beautiful. That hit my heart like medicine. Another man speaking into my life and saying I am beautiful.
Grantley, I should not want to hear that. Instead, I should want to hear such things as, ďYouíre tough,Ē or, ďSuck it up like a man and quit your sniveling or I will give you some thing to cry about. You foolish! #@&*@!!!Ē No, instead I have here my dearest friend (I mean that) who knows all the bad about me, say Iím beautiful, and my heart melts and you say you are proud to be my friend. I have never had another man say such things that hit my heart like medicine.
IíM JUST TOO FREAKY!!!!! Crawling like a baby and giggling (well I like the giggling part).
No, I am not freaky!!! I am healing. And in the course of healing Iím going through a divorce. I should be over that issue. But I am slow with everything.
Then I think that the group really does hate me and is saying nice things just to be nice, or something. Then I see the positive impact I have on people in the group, and in my prayers Jesus directs me and I see spiritual things behind what I do. I also pray daily that Papa would give me a deep empathy for the hurting. Then when I read e-mails from the group I just wish that I could touch them, hug them, and in some way encourage them.
So even though I feel they might hate me, I must pray, and write. Then I pace, and fear, thinking, ďDoing this is okay, is it?Ē
Now the thought comes. ďYou foolish #@&*@!!! Now they see how horrible you are and will kick you out of the group. Leave before they do. Donít write.Ē Then I get so depressed. Then someone in the group IMs me and as the person talks I pray that Father would just pour out his wisdom on how, in God, I may help the person. This I do, even if I am in distress, because I hurt for their hurt. Isnít that screwed up?
I am sorry. I have said too much now.
Then thereís my struggle with art. For the last few days it seems that my alters who are artists are gone and I cannot even draw a circle. Well, my Papa said to draw anyway. So I do. I must. I cannot help it. Yet it is frustrating to have a skill/talent and then it just seems like you never had it. But there is something inside me that compels me. I wake in the morning and the first thought is, ďWhen do I draw?Ē Then I see great artwork in my head already completed, or I watch my Papa draw. Or I see a vista and it is already broken into light and dark in my head. Throughout my childhood, my family always said that I was just too #@&*@!freaky. Maybe I should just give up. NO, I WILL NOT LET MY LIFE BE STOLEN ANY MORE!!!!
Last night, I was crying a little. I know if I let it out I would not stop, so I donít. I want to live!!! I WANT TO LIVE WITH PASSION!!! I keep telling Papa that. Yet it seems that I am destined to be told, ďYouíre too freaky! Get out you #@&*@!!!Ē
Sorry, I do not really know where all this is coming from.
Ė and Hate, your ugly #@&*@! messed up one. Okay, you can tell me to leave and that would be alright with me. Iím screwed any way!!! Doesnít the Word say somewhere that if you hate your mother and father then it will not go well with you and that your life will be short? Well then, that is what is wrong. God is punishing me. I deserve it. My mother left me to live down the street from her so that druggies could beat me, hurt me, and . . . OKAY GOD YOU CAN KILL ME NOW!!!!
Sorry for this e-mail. Please donít hate me for it. I am thinking of not sending this. Yet I will.
I donít want to share this with the group, lest they think I finally lost my mind.
I would love your permission to share it with the group. Not everyone has such young alters, but those who do, desperately need to know they are not alone. In fact, it deserves a wider audience. I think it should be a webpage. [As you can see, he later gave me permission for this.]
Baby just started crawling.
Great! He is growing!
Am I imagining all this?
It is kinda freaky.
It feels peculiar, but it is perfectly consistent with having baby alters.
I think my alters may return as we work through the abandonment and self-worth problems due to divorce Ė it seems to have touched all of the alters and slowed my healing down.
I know that they are not fully merged even though they are part of me.
Yes. To fully merge takes a long time, but long before that they can work together to achieve great things.
I miss Jackie so much!!!!! In fact, lately most of the alters are kinda missing. I miss them!!!!
Ask God to help you communicate to them the fact that you love and miss them.
He was giggling, and talking
I have never had this experience growing up. I donít think I had it even as a baby.
That is why it is happening now. The Lord is restoring to you all that you missed out on as a baby. At present, you are an adult with many holes inside you because of things you missed out on in your childhood.
I let him hold me and cry and cry.
I do not want any more baby alters!!!!
I understand. You have them, however. And you have the choice to either go through the rest of your life messed up or enjoy full healing by connecting with these alters.
Having so many young alters is overwhelming at times.
My heart is fixed, my heart is fixed O Lord. I will keep my eyes on you and let you direct my path.
I will love my alters Ė I do
It is like one baby alter could not hold all the pain that happened during that time.
Iím sure youíre right.
I HATE HER!!!!! She did nothing to help.
What she allowed was atrocious. Both of your parents must have been terribly messed up, but they were still very much in the wrong.
she is the one that gave him oral sex.
Yes, what she did was sick. I presume she was so messed up that she thought this was an act of kindness. It definitely wasnít, however.
I did not know that this anger was inside.
Getting in touch with this is good. The anger is there regardless of whether you acknowledge it, but acknowledging it is the only way whereby you can resolve it and be at last freed from it.
DONíT HATE ME
Not a chance.
My name is Hate!!!!!
So good to hear from you, Hate. Thank you so much for sharing. You are important to me and to God.
if I share this with the group (not many have baby alters and would most likely not understand) then the group would just hate me.
No way! You are greatly loved and your courage will inspire others to share openly, which is so much needed for healing.
In fact, the last few days I have been really in terror over thinking that all the e-mails I send are just horrid
Wow! Nothing could be further from the truth! Your e-mails help people powerfully.
and that some time soon the whole group will just hate me.
The more you openly share, the more you are acting as a pioneer Ė a leader Ė who will inspire others to find deeper healing. It causes us to love you more than ever.
I am saying all kinds of things wrong and hurting others.
Not at all.
Then you sent me an email saying Iím beautiful. That hit my heart like medicine.
Iím pleased. You have such a beautiful heart, my friend. Itís just that you are the last one to see it.
or, ďSuck it up like a man and quit your sniveling or I will give you some thing to cry about. You foolish! #@&*@!!!Ē
There is nothing masculine about being cruel and heartless, just as there is nothing feminine about being bitchy. No one should use oneís gender to try to excuse sin.
IíM JUST TOO FREAKY!!!!!
No, you are an amazing man who, through enormous strength and perseverance, has survived things that would have killed most men Ė or caused them to kill themselves.
No, I am not freaky!!! I am healing.
And in the course of healing going through a divorce. I should be over that issue.
There is no way that you should be over your divorce so soon. If you were over it, youíd be both heartless and abnormal.
Then I think that the group DOES actually hate me and is saying nice things just to be nice, or something.
No way. It is genuine. You have deeply blessed so many in the group.
Then I see the positive impact I have on people in the group, and in my prayers Jesus directs me and I see spiritual things behind what I do.
I also pray daily that Papa would give me a deep empathy for the hurting.
You have this, and your own suffering has been the key to it.
Now the thought comes. ďYou foolish #@&*@!!! Now they see how horrible you are and will kick you out of the group. Leave before they do. Donít write.Ē
This is just alters who are rather paranoid because of the way they have been mistreated in the past. Everyone in the team wrestles with such thoughts.
This I do, even if I am in distress because I hurt for their hurt. Isnít that screwed up?
You do indeed reach out to help others despite your distress, and it fills me with admiration. All of heaven wants to cheer, as you selflessly and powerfully minister to others.
I have said too much now.
Not at all.
Yet it is frustrating to have a skill/talent and then it just seems like you never had it.
Yes, itís frustrating but it is allowing other alters to develop their own artistic skill. The other alters will be back and the combined effect on your art will be greater than ever.
I wake in the morning and the first thought is when do I draw?
Then I see the great art work in my head complete or watch my Papa draw.
NO I WILL NOT LET MY LIFE BE STOLEN ANY MORE!!!!
You have the spirit of a winner, Jake.
Last night I was crying a little. I know if I let it out I would not stop, so I donít.
You will stop. You can let go and trust God to put whatever limit is needed on your emotions. Letting go will bring much healing.
I do not really know where all this is coming from.
Iím so glad you shared.
God is punishing me.
No, he is healing you.
Sorry all for this e-mail.
Please donít be. I am so pleased you sent it.
Please donít hate me for it.
I love you for it.
You said in another e-mail that you were envious of someone else who has a baby alter whom God looks after, rather than the host having that responsibility. If anything, she should be envious of you. God clearly has faith in you by entrusting these little alters into your care. Moreover, it is not only your baby alters who will benefit. You will benefit, too. For you to lovingly nurture your alters in the way that you should have been treated at that age will do something powerful within you. For an insight into this, see in Dolls or Stuffed Toys for Healing Dissociative Identity Disorder the account of the little alter and her baby doll. Since she has no baby alter, God had to give her a doll for the therapeutic benefits of tenderly caring for a baby the way she should have been treated. To you has been entrusted someone far more vulnerable and important to God than a doll.
Bless you, precious brother!
Another person with Dissociative Identity Disorder also confessed that using a pacifier was comforting to his baby alter but triggered a very different reaction in his other parts. In his case, however, the feeling was not one of disgust or fear but sexual arousal so strong that it usually led to masturbation. He was filled with shame over this, saying he had done unforgivable things. Without needing to know exactly what he was referring to, I reminded him that, through Christ, nothing is unforgivable. I urged him to read The Dilemma of Feeling Pleasure When Abused and the links, and then read The Most Tortured Conscience Can Find Peace and keep following the main link toward the bottom of each page until he is absolutely convinced that no offence Ė no matter how atrocious or repeated Ė is unforgivable if it is truly regretted and Jesusí cleansing is sought.
For a little more about baby alters, see Baby Alters: Healing Insights
For much more insight and help, see Christian Resources: Index of Help for Dissociative Identity Disorder
© 2008, 2016 Grantley Morris. May be freely copied in whole or in part provided: it is not altered; this entire paragraph is included; readers are not charged and it is not used in a webpage. Many more compassionate, inspiring, sometimes hilarious writings available free online at www.net-burst.net Freely you have received, freely give. For use outside these limits, consult the author.
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