The following is short. Though slightly touched up to aid readability, it remains close to the original e-mail from a friend with DID expressing to me his agony and revelation taking place as he wrote. It could contain triggers. It could also bring healing.|
Shared with my friendís permission.
I canít take it. I want out of it!!!! I want it to stop!!!! I want to quit!!! Quit I say! Quit!!!
Baby, my alter who is too young to even speak, is having memories that he has not shared before. They are horrible. My father painfully violated him and sexually assaulted him. Then, calling him names, he shook him, and beat him and threw him until he bled. Blood everywhere.
I am bad!!!!!! Bad!!!!! BAD!!!!!!
I donít really want to send this e-mail. I just want to quietly go away. The problem with that is that I cannot go away. Where can I run to? Where can I flee from your presence, Lord? If I ascend to the highest hill . . . the depth of the sea . . . or make my bed in hell . . . even there your hand shall lead me. I cannot hide from you. Even if I make myself die, you are there.
Iíve just realized that this is really a comforting thing. God did not do it. He is not the one to hide from. Yet the knife the healer uses to open you up sometimes seems like it is coming from the enemy instead of the surgeon skillfully healing you. God loves me!!! I shall not run, nor hide. I did that too long, and when I was a child I could not hide from the darkness of the monsters. They came with their vicious fangs and claws bared to rape and torment me, even in the darkness. Despite my attempts to hide, they got me anyway. Now, instead of running away, it is time to run into the night with the sword given by the Spirit of God and take back what is rightfully mine: life.
Father God told me that he has given me many talents to help me. The challenge is that these talents hide in the alters. So I must go into the darkness to rescue them so that together in God we can live life with passion. In God, we can live a life we have only dreamed of. We just have to push through the fear and denial and walk through the dark night to find the hidden treasures.
For more, see Baby Alters
For much more insight and help, see:
© 2008, Grantley Morris. May be freely copied in whole or in part provided: it is not altered; this entire paragraph is included; readers are not charged and it is not used in a webpage. Many more compassionate, inspiring, sometimes hilarious writings available free online at www.net-burst.net Freely you have received, freely give. For use outside these limits, consult the author.
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