Net-Burst.Net Dissociative Identity Disorder

Having multiple personalities (Dissociative Identity Disorder) presents many challenges, multiplied by the fact that the trauma that caused the D.I.D. has other negative consequences. It usually causes Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (P.T.S.D.), deeply affects self-esteem, and so on. If, as is often the case, the trauma was sexual there is a whole range of sexual implications. People with D.I.D. commonly have at least one protector alter who is excessively wary and protective. Likewise, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder causes one to repeatedly see danger where there is none. Of course I do not wish to further inflame fears and unnecessary caution. Nevertheless, there are dangers and need for caution that can be missed and so I need to alert you to these, even though I am reluctant to do so because I do not wish to contribute even slightly to anyone becoming paranoid. Sadly, ignorance in the general population about D.I.D. means that the average person often has weird ideas about the matter. Even among people who should know better there are those who confuse alters with demons or make other serious blunders. This compels me to always warn people not to tell anyone they have D.I.D. without first getting the person to fully reveal his/her views about it. You might say, “Have you heard about people with multiple personalities? What do you think about it?” Then after they have given their answer you could say something like, “If someone told me they had multiple personalities, what should I do and say?” Provided you get the person talking about it for long enough, raising the subject in casual conversation as if the matter were of little concern to you is often all it takes to get a clear idea of the person’s attitude and to determine whether he or she has a sufficiently accurate and non-judgmental understanding to be trusted. One of the tragic consequences of being sexually violated during one’s tender years is that it seriously interferes with one’s ability to discern who is safe and trustworthy and who is not. It is heart-breaking how common it is for survivors of child sex abuse to fear people who are safe and would help them and yet trust those who are dangerous. A related danger is that abuse survivors have usually been starved of love and attention and have low self-esteem which causes them not only to be desperate for love but to set low standards in who they imagine would be willing to marry or even befriend them. They commonly do not consider themselves worthy of someone who treats them with gentleness and respect and basic kindness and finding someone who treats them this way could be so contrary to their experience that it makes them suspicious and think that the person must be fake and trying to deceive. Another serious concern is that sexual predators are skilled at detecting people who are vulnerable to exploitation. See Predators Hunt the Wounded. These factors combine to magnify the danger that even after escaping the nightmare of their childhood abuse they will end up in an abusive relationship as adults, unless they are very careful. Yet another complicating factor is that alters know only a fraction of what the whole person knows. This can have serious implications. Unknown to you, there could be a part of you that has ended up deliberately or accidentally quarantined from any awareness of the unpleasant side of sexual abuse and from any awareness of it being morally wrong but is only aware of pleasurable sexual feelings and that sex brings attention and approval. Even more common, are alters who believe they are little and physically too weak to resist any abuser and that no amount of screaming or whatever will reduce the amount of abuse but will only produce more violence. It could well be that such alters remain hidden within you so that you do not know they are there but they are likely to be triggered to come to the fore in the presence of a former abuser, or someone with some features that remind the alter of the abuser. When such an alter takes over, you might lose awareness of what is happening and so be unable to intervene. This can render relating to former abusers far more dangerous than you consciously realize. Avoiding them is important, even though doing so can be very awkward when they are family friends or relatives. There are vital reasons why Christians should not date non-Christians. See Dating Non-Christians. Regrettably, this by no means implies that all Christians are safe to date. Appallingly large numbers of so-called Christians are so deluded by the immorality of present-day western society that they are not defiantly opposed to pre-marital sex or they lack the steely self-control needed to repel temptation if an alter acted seductively. Moreover, to marry before being healed sexually ends up being torturous for both partners. I strongly advise against marrying or exposing oneself to the possibility of sexual involvement by being alone with someone until being well advanced on the long journey towards full healing. A casual glance at divorce statistics will confirm that it is typical for us humans to think ourselves more healed and more prepared for marriage than we are. I know of no way that anyone with D.I.D. can be certain that they have discovered every alter within. This is quite an issue because one could be unaware of alters who despise the person you intend to marry. Something to be aware of if you have D.I.D. is that not only is it possible for another alter to do something without your knowledge, the danger doubles when relating in an unsupervised way to someone else who has D.I.D. It is not impossible for alters that neither host is even aware of, to relate to each other in an unsafe way. For example, two women might think themselves completely heterosexual, having no knowledge of highly sexualized alters within them that are vulnerable to same-sex attraction and do not even realize that they are married. Another issue is that people with D.I.D. have a tendency to form high dependency relationships that could even result in stalking. Even if you are sure of yourself, how can you be sure of the other person? There is no need to get paranoid about remote possibilities but a little caution and setting some safe boundaries is wise. A dear friend of mine, e-mailed me about another need for caution. I considered it so useful that I sought his permission to quote him. He wrote: I recently met one of my friend’s alters. This particular alter was pretty aggressive, but what caught me a touch off guard was that she knew me, and had “dirt” with which to criticize me since I had previously shared much with my friend in confidence. This woman is one of my Facebook friends. A couple of days ago, I posted a Bible verse on Facebook, and mentioned how powerfully this verse had impacted my life. The first person to post a comment was my friend’s protector alter. I recognized her right away. She didn’t swear up a storm like before (phew!), but was still aggressive. Fortunately, in this case everybody (including myself) agreed with what the alter wrote. However, within the hour, my friend had permanently deleted her Facebook account, and e-mailed me privately to say she had done so. Such extreme action got me thinking, though, and you know what? I agree with her. I think she did the right thing – for several reasons. * For her own protection * For the protection of her alters * For the protection of her friends I can see Facebook being a very dangerous place for someone with D.I.D. to hang out and especially dangerous for alters. An alter can post on other people’s walls, in the name of the host, for example. Often, this won’t be a problem. In fact, knowing what I know now, I realize my friend’s alters have been posting on her Facebook page for quite a while. Her friends just kind of laughed it off as her being silly or something. But even being laughed at can deeply hurt an alter. I can see how even something harmless can quickly become harmful, especially for alters. I have over 600 Facebook friends, Within minutes of that alter posting on my wall, I had, I think, a dozen comments about that posting, several of which were directed at her. Suppose I happen to be away from the computer at the time, and an alter posts to my Facebook wall, where 600+ random people get a notification. Before you know it, a whole whack of people are responding to that alter on Facebook, saying who knows what, potentially injuring, ridiculing, confusing, or just all around hurting this poor alter who has stepped out but doesn’t know how to relate to people yet. It could also give my friend a bad name, because nobody knows that this is an alter writing. And who knows what the alter might have to say? An alter might do to others like this one had done to me shortly before – speak very critically, bringing up past things I had said and done, etc. And all it could come totally out of the blue. Even though I recognized what was going on when the alter lashed out at me, it was hard to handle. Imagine someone not having a clue, seeing their friend suddenly behaving this way! Fortunately, I was able to recognize who was writing on my wall, and fortunately it wasn’t offensive at all. In fact, it was pretty profound what the alter wrote . . . this time. But the dangers suddenly became very apparent to my friend. So to protect her inner family and herself, she permanently deleted her Facebook account. My friend is incredibly smart, and so I’m assuming she realized what could happen if she just suspended the account – an alter can get up in the middle of the night and reactivate the account without the host even knowing about it. I have told my friend’s alters that they can write to me ANYthing they want, ANY time they want. They have an open door with me, I don’t care if it’s offensive; if they gotta swear, that’s okay. I have emphasized over and over to them that I just want to hear from them. But this degree of openness with most other people could prove dangerous. My friend had over 600 Facebook friends, the majority of whom are non-Christians and many of them are rather emotionally unstable. So an alter could write on any one of their walls, and those people can have hundreds to thousands of people on their pages who will see these writings and can respond. Then there are little matters like someone I know who recently placed on Facebook photos of her jewelry, boasting about how many thousands of dollars it was all worth and capping it off by sharing she was going on vacation. Surprise, surprise her house was burgled while she was away and the only thing taken was her jewelry. It was almost as if they knew . . . Then there’s my wife’s relative who wrote a scathing Facebook message about someone and accidentally sent it to the very person she was slandering. If adults without D.I.D. can make such slips what might little alters who are inexperienced with Facebook do? – Grantley My friend will undoubtedly make a new Facebook account in the future, but at this point in time, when she is still working through issues and trying to get wounded alters to come forward, I think she did the right thing. It’s important that alters come out and speak their mind freely, in a safe environment. It is safe with the group Grantley has established (see Chat Group Support for Christians with Dissociative Identity Disorder). It is not safe on Facebook. I might also suggest to those with D.I.D. that if you have a Facebook account and don’t want to delete it, get someone you can trust with your account. Hand them control over your Facebook account – have them change the password, so you do not know what it is. If you want to hop on Facebook for a while, and you’re in good shape to be doing so, your friend can temporarily change the password to something you know. When you’re finished, they then change the password back later on to a password you don’t know. You will also have to change the reference email address, otherwise you can just request a password reset. It involves a lot of trust with another understanding person, but I can see this system working. Not So Scary Yes, it is wise to be cautious but things usually work out. Alters are a very important part of a person and have skills that the host lacks. So if they take over for a while it could be because they are more capable at dealing with the specific matter at hand than the host. Related Pages For much more insight and help, see: Christian Resources: Index of Help for Dissociative Identity Disorder Personalized support Grantley Morris: healing@net-burst.net © 2011, Grantley Morris. 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