Satanic Ritual Abuse / Sadistic Ritual Abuse (S.R.A.) Explained

Multiple Personality Disorder

By Grantley Morris


Some of this Webpage has been Translated into Romanian




Net-Burst.Net









Satanic Ritual Abuse





Sadistic Ritual Abuse





SRA





Dissociative Identity Disorder





D.I.D.





SRA can stand either for Satanic Ritual Abuse or Sadistic Ritual Abuse. Both involve cruelty and the deliberate creation of insiders (also known as alters or parts). Technically, Satanic Ritual Abuse occurs when child abusers consciously seek the involvement of evil supernatural powers through Satan worship or occult practices. In contrast, with Sadistic Ritual Abuse the abusers do not attempt to summon occult powers, although it is possible that demons might take advantage of the situation.

Satanic Ritual Abuse/Sadistic Ritual Abuse is real. There really are sadists who know how to deliberately create alters and program them. They are so appallingly evil that ordinary people find it almost incomprehensible that anyone could be so depraved. If SRA perpetrators believed they could get away with it, there is no atrocity they would not stoop to. Their only constraint – and it’s far bigger than their victims realize – is that they do not want to be attacked by a vigilante or an enraged mob of concerned citizens, nor end up languishing in prison where they would be unable to continue their crimes against children.

These fiends do all they can to convince their victims that they are so well-connected and powerful that the law cannot touch them. They are terrorized, nevertheless, by the knowledge that they are not nearly as invincible as they claim. Even if their atrocities were sanctioned by every law enforcer in the land, it would not be enough to let them sleep at night. If what SRA perpetrators do became known, ordinary people would be so outraged that many would respond violently. Even most criminals hate pedophiles.

The bottom line is that, as much as they might hate it, even the most powerful abusers are subjected to far more constraints than they ever want their victims to know. This forces them to become devious and add insidious deception to their sinister arsenal.

Less skilled abusers might be far less ingenious in their methods but every child abuser delights in lies and deception that children inevitably believe. This is such an important point that I must quote from what I have written elsewhere:

    Much of an alter’s current distress centers less on the actual abuse than on being cruelly tricked into believing lies that, long after the abuse has ended, continue to make the alter feel condemned, hopeless, frightened and/or isolated.

    Most of the misinformation has been deliberately and maliciously inflicted on the alters by the abuser, and repeatedly reinforced by him/her until the abuser’s lies seem undeniable truth. This process – virtually a form of brainwashing – is made easier by abusers accessing children rather than adults. Con artists prove how easily adults can be deceived but children are exceptionally vulnerable and almost instinctively accept as truth whatever an adult says, and even more so when terrorized.

    Consider how many little children are certain that Santa Claus is real. Little ones who don’t believe in him are not smarter; they simply were not told about him by believable authority figures or they encountered someone who exposed the lie. If older people have authoritatively insisted that it is true and little children hear nothing to the contrary, they will inevitably believe what they are told, whether it be about Santa Claus, or that sexual abuse is normal or that the abuse was their fault or that the police will put them in jail if they tell the abuser’s secret, or any of a vast number of other bald-faced lies. This is an unavoidable part of being a child.

    Children have to be quick to believe what they are told because their very survival hinges on believing warnings given by adults, and their intellectual development hinges on quickly absorbing vast amounts of information. It would take them excessively long to mature if they had to critically assess the accuracy of every bit of information they gain and, in any case, they start off not having the intellectual skills to do so.

    This uncritical acceptance of what older children or adults tell them normally works brilliantly because they are surrounded by loving, trustworthy people. It turns to tragedy, however, if an evil person gains access to a child. Even more tragic, instead of being allowed to learn and mature, alters end up cut off from the parts of them that gain the knowledge and maturity and relationship with God to see through the lies.

The truth sets us free, but with abusers using sophisticated techniques, discovering the truth can be exceedingly difficult.

When a victim is left with horrific memories, it is clear that an appalling offence has occurred. Whether it be offenders getting away with an atrocity they committed or victims failing to see through the cruel deception, no decent person wants these criminals to win.

Since SRA abusers specialize in confusing their victims, it is far from easy to discover exactly what they did, but it was unquestionable evil. It is quite common for them to drug their victims. Even without this, there is the haze of trauma, the young age of the victims and the evil cunning of the perpetrators. Untangling all of this to discern exactly what happened might be liberating – especially when victims discover they did not commit the atrocities they had been tricked into thinking they committed – but getting there is undeniably challenging.

Other child abusers create insiders in their victims only by accident. As already hinted, however, what distinguishes Sadistic/Satanic Ritual Abuse is that SRA abusers have learned from other evil people how to cause their victims’ personality to split (or fragment), and deliberately create insiders to make their victims more compliant. As a result, SRA victims usually have a very large number of insiders; sometimes several hundred.

Knowing that some children react to trauma by forming separate identities (insiders) as a coping mechanism, SRA abusers deliberately induce trauma. A typical way is to put their victims into a no-win situation, such as telling them that if they do not kill a certain person, then someone else dear to them will be killed. That way, no matter what the victims do they will be riddled with horror and guilt over feeling a false sense of responsibility for the person’s death.

Please understand that I am not saying this is all fake. A key point to keep in focus, however, is that the result is the same in the victim’s psyche regardless of whether the event actually happened or was a cruel hoax. For instance, if guns are filled with blanks and an actor keels over in a pool of fake blood as if dead and is never seen again, or if a child pulls the trigger and is so traumatized that he/she knows no more about the incident because another alter takes over, for the alter who thinks it is genuine, the trauma will achieve the abuser’s evil purposes for the traumatized person as effectively as if a real murder had occurred. Furthermore, it is easier for the abuser if the event were an elaborate trick. It would mean, for example, there are no bodies to try to keep hidden from authorities. What is even more in the abuser’s interest, is that if the abuse victim were ever to report such a ‘murder’ to the police, they would find no evidence and the victim would be discredited should he or she make other allegations.

What makes SRA criminals particularly insidious and devious is that lies, deception and psychological torment are their most potent tools. They dedicate their sadistic skills to convincing innocent victims that they were involved in horrendous acts, when it was more the abusers’ despicably cruel trick than a physical event. The resulting false guilt makes victims terrified of ever reporting the abusers to authorities and it creates new alters. Moreover, even if victims were to go to the police, instead of reporting the real crimes that occurred, such as horrific sexual abuse and psychological torture, they are likely to focus on those things that were actually fake and so lose credibility in the eyes of those who would otherwise seek to prosecute the offenders.

We all know how convincing showmen (illusionists) can be when pretending to be magicians. On top of this, SRA victims are usually young and already so highly traumatized that even the most intelligent victim is rendered vulnerable to tricksters. SRA abusers often force drugs upon their victims, making it even harder for them to discern reality.

It is actually even easier than that with alters because they are highly suggestible. Alters are particularly vulnerable to being tricked into believing that something happened when it didn’t. For example, in my chat group for people with DID, members never see each other, much less have any physical contact, and yet one alter would write to someone else’s alter saying, “Here’s a teddy bear for you,” or “I’ll sleep next to you to keep you safe,” or “Let me wash the dirt off you,” and both alters would be totally convinced that it actually happened.

For another example, I heard of a therapist treating someone who would literally run out of the door whenever a particular alter surfaced. The therapist simply dangled a piece of string on the door knob and told the alter that it meant the door was locked. The alter believed what she was told and no matter how terrified she felt she never again tried to open the door when the string was hanging on the knob.

In its article on hypnosis, Wikipedia states, “Individuals with dissociative identity disorder have the highest hypnotisability of any clinical group, followed by those with posttraumatic stress disorder.” This is no putdown: it is simply a consequence of what they have suffered.

It is of obvious value to covert government agencies to have saboteurs and spies who can act innocent and withstand interrogation because they have no awareness of their assignment unless triggered by a code word. It is said that, with this in mind, Nazis experimented with both hypnotism and Dissociative Identity Disorder. It is also claimed that, through various channels, information gained from these experiments has filtered down to SRA perpetrators. Such techniques would be of obvious interest to pedophiles and some would be eager to trade access to victims or pay cash for this information.

An SRA cult victim told me that not everyone the cult tried to program was found to be suitable for their purpose. I presume this is because some people are more susceptible to mind control than others.

Never forget that abusers lie. No child abuser ever tells his/her victim, “You don’t deserve to be treated this way. What I’m doing is a criminal act and I’m at your mercy because the moment you tell authorities they will stop me from hurting you.” Instead, they do all they can to silence their victims by lies that crush the victims’ self-esteem; lies that flood their victims with false guilt; lies about the offender’s right to abuse; lies about what will happen if the crime is reported, and so on. Deception is an abuser’s primary tool of trade. As with a sadist handing out candy, no information fed by an abuser should be swallowed. Nothing he or she says can be trusted.

Since SRA abusers are given over to evil, they cannot be expected to be truthful. Just as the devil himself is a liar (John 8:44), deceit is second nature to these people. Moreover, it is very much in their interest to deceive because the more they can deceive a victim, the less believable that person’s stories will sound if ever reported to authorities.

So SRA abusers cannot be trusted to tell their victims the truth about anything. For example, just because an abuser always claimed that someone is the victim’s parent, ancestor or some other relative does not mean it is true. Likewise, they might claim that certain public figures or organizations are somehow involved, but their say-so does not make it true. Just as abusers like to increase their authority in the eyes of their victims by claiming to have God on their side, others can be expected to, for instance, claim to have the government on their side.

If abusers engage in satanic rituals, they might happen to believe in those practices but even their apparent belief could be a lie. They know that dark, cloaked figures, ‘human sacrifice’, and eerie rituals would help traumatize a child and this could be enough to motivate them to use such things as props.

Since, in SRA, abusers deliberately create alters, they usually try to anticipate everything someone might do to try to rescue a victim and turn that very thing into a trigger. For example, a Christian rescuer is sure to use the name of Jesus, so abusers often cause their victims to react in terror at the use of that name. They might, for example, have someone dress up to look like Jesus and claim to be Jesus while he abuses the child.

SRA abusers often create sleeper alters who will be triggered by certain codes or signals or dates or lunar cycles. For example, a friend of mine had left the cult that had been abusing her but unknown to her they had created an alter that had been programmed to respond to a high pitched whistle. All that one of her abusers had to do was hide outside the house she had moved to, and blow the whistle. Without the knowledge of the other alters this alter took over, unlocked the door and walked outside to the source of the whistle. By such means, people can still be involved in SRA while having no knowledge of it.

Since any form of abuse is evil and anti-God, it so delights evil spirits (demons) that they are likely to become involved even if the abuser has no awareness or belief in the supernatural. Some abusers, however, deliberately seek the assistance of evil powers and try to put demons in their victims. Nevertheless, for anyone who is yielded to Jesus, demons are no more to be feared than cockroaches. Yes, the filthy trespassers need to be eradicated but they will run from even the weakest Christian who refuses to be intimated by their bluff. It is very important, however, to realize that insiders can be brainwashed into thinking they are evil and can feel they have to do evil things in order to protect themselves. Some could even be convinced that they are demons. To mistake an alter for a demon is very damaging to a person, so when seeking to expel demons, great care must be taken not to mistakenly have a confused insider in your crosshairs.

Lilly’s alters are an example of another confusing possibility. Without even suffering Satanic Ritual Abuse she has many young, highly traumatized alters who each has vivid memories of being locked in a crate and tortured by a man who would prod them with a red hot poker. When the alters first described this to Lilly, she received such a vivid image of it that she could actually smell the burning flesh as the poker found its victim.

The ‘man’ behind this torture later confessed to Lilly that he was another very young but powerful alter who had concluded he must torment his fellow alters this way to prevent them from doing things that would incur the wrath of her real father. He was not physically hurting them but, because he thought he must do it to protect them, he and the other alters were convinced it was real. Not only did this alter have many mannerisms identical to Lilly’s father, some people have what are known as introject alerts. Such alters do not just mimic someone they know in the outside world (often one of their real-life abusers) but both the introject alter and fellow alters are convinced that the introject is not an alter but is the actual person who exists in real life.

Introjects are innocent victims who think they are perpetrators. In Lilly’s case, the alter who was tormenting the others ended up so filled with remorse that it raises at least the theoretical possibility of the alter of an innocent victim confessing to police to crimes never committed in the outside world. It seems unlikely that such a confession would be taken so seriously as to end up in court but I cannot say with certainty that there could be no situation in which it could happen.

Then there is the matter of alters being certain of their age when a particular event occurred. They might be correct, but the complicating factor is that alters are typically convinced they are a certain age even though their physical body is years older.

I came across a SRA alter who was utterly convinced her tongue had been cut out. Despite ‘remembering’ the event in vivid detail, the woman still has her tongue. Through information-sharing with other alters, the woman was able to go beyond this alter’s recollection and recover with remarkable accuracy the full memory of the incident. What had actually happened is that her abusers had grabbed a knife, threatened to cut out her tongue, held her down, thrust the knife down at great speed, stopped just a fraction from the tongue, jabbed her tongue a few times with something that did not cut while spilling fake blood on her, and then claimed to have carried out the threat. The abusers creating this distorted memory knew exactly what they were doing because they made the alter show fellow alters her ‘missing’ tongue to terrify the others into submission. (Alters appear to fellow alters to have the exact physical appearance that each alter believes he/she has.)

Note that just as easily as this alter was tricked into believing her tongue had been cut out, she could have been tricked into believing she had cut out someone else’s tongue. As traumatized – and hence particularly vulnerable to deception – as she was by believing the threat would be carried out, any sensitive child would be equally traumatized by believing she must mutilate some other victim’s tongue. Add to this the fact that theatres, for instance, use trick knives with blunt blades that retract when pressed into an object. Such a knife could simultaneously squirt fake blood, thus making the event seem genuine to the child forced to do it and the other terrified victim would also believe it is real and so would be screaming convincingly.

Even among child abusers with no SRA skills, it is common to make their victims believe the abuse is their fault, and the more they can persuade their victims that they are guilty of grave offenses (such as adultery) the more delighted the abusers are, because they expect it to scare children into never telling a soul about the abuse. SRA abusers skilled at tricking children into believing they are guilty of horrendous crimes are therefore highly motivated to do precisely that.

Just as it was a relief to the alter to finally discover she has a tongue, so some alters might be relieved to discover they did not engage in the heinous crimes they thought they had committed. Although the element of doubt over whether certain events were real or a clever illusion is somewhat comforting to those riddled with guilt, it is torturously frustrating and bewildering to be uncertain as to whether or not it was merely a cruel trick. That this woman was eventually able to recall details that confirmed the trick offers hope. In this case, however, full memory could be restored because one alter had a remarkable ability to resist the effects of drugs used by the abusers. Regrettably, not everyone could be expected to have such an alter.

In no way does an element of doubt undermine the importance of seeking to recover every memory. Whether the torment was mental or had a strong physical component, a grave offense has occurred. Moreover, the primary goal should not be securing the conviction of the offender but healing the victim, and for this to occur, the source of torment – such as believing one has witnessed or perpetuated horrendous crimes – must be uncovered. Thankfully, from a spiritual perspective, forgiveness has nothing to do with how excusable or minor an offense is in human eyes. In the eyes of our Holy Judge every sin is equally damming and equally forgivable. For help with this, see The Most Tortured Conscience Can Find Peace and keep following the first link at the end of the text for as many pages as it takes to be convinced.

Warning

Anything that might be perceived by an alter as doubting the accuracy of a memory could be disastrous – even if the doubter thinks the reinterpretation might be comforting to the alter.

It is at great cost that alters share secrets. Revealing a secret is typically very scary for the alter sharing it and painful for those alters learning of it. If there is the slightest indication that what is shared is rejected as being mistaken, it will be seen as rejection not merely of the memory but of the alters’ integrity and even of themselves.

For an alter’s version of events to be disbelieved is also likely to cause other alters to clam up so that they share no more secrets. This would be a huge setback because the full details about traumatic events is usually stored not by one alter but by several different ones, each of which has only part of the jigsaw. The full picture could possibly be different from the guesses arrived at from the partial memory but the full truth will not be learned until every alter is willing to share what he/she knows. For example, a man I know was told as a boy by his angry father he was about to have part of his body chopped off. The alter was certain the threat would be carried out and saw the blade rapidly moving in his direction but then another alter took over and only the second alter knew that the blade missed. The first alter had no awareness of his external physical body and so no way of knowing he was physically whole. Had the first alter thought that sharing scary secrets was useless because the person hearing them disregards them, he would never have revealed what was troubling him. In this case the truth was easy for observers to verify because they could see the person’s body. In many cases one is dependent entirely upon every alter being brave enough to reveal everything he or she knows.

Recovered memories can be devastatingly accurate. Rather than being comforting, however, even the remote possibility of vivid memories being the product of a cruel trick is sometimes even more distressing. It can be so upsetting, confusing and offensive that I have loathed mentioning it. One of the few positives is that a victim might not have committed criminal acts after all. Nevertheless, I think I would rather place my hand on red-hot metal than risk needy alters refusing to talk out of fear that I might not agree with their convictions as to what actually happened. My refusal to lie inflicts me with what seems like an unresolvable dilemma. I have yet to find a foolproof way around this. I can definitely assure alters, however, that I am certain that they are being utterly truthful about their convictions as to what happened. I can also affirm that I am equally convinced that their abusers are so evil that they would have no qualms about committing any monstrous atrocity they thought they could get away with. Moreover, I remain eager to embrace the possibility of alters accurately seeing through the haze of trauma and perhaps drugs and deception.

Postscript: Discovering the God of Truth

Some time after completing this webpage, an alter formed by Satanic Ritual Abuse emailed me. The ‘priest’ referred to was a church pastor who secretly assumed the title of priest in a satanic cult. Compassion for sensitive readers moves me to omit distressing details. She wrote:

    I had sex with the priest and I got pregnant. The baby grew in my tummy. I could feel her kicking around. I was about to become a mom. The priest was the father. We were in love. He delighted in me and I in him. The baby was so little when she was born. She had tiny hands and tiny feet. I called her Crystal because she was so beautiful. I carried her to stores and played with her every day. She was my beautiful, beautiful daughter. My husband and I looked after this fruit of my loins; this small cherished part of me.

The alter then went on to describe awful things this satanic ‘priest’ did to the baby. In order to protect the baby from still more, she agreed to do all the evil things that demons and this evil man asked of her. She continued:

    Then one day Crystal disappeared. I don’t know what happened. I just lost her. My husband blamed it on me. He was right to beat me. It was my fault. I should have kept track of her. Then one day the demon came and said my beautiful daughter was taken to hell with him.

    I wept. My daughter was in hell. I was a horrible mother. I begged the demon to let me have my daughter. So we made a deal.

Again, I’ll omit the details of what she had to do but the demon’s part of the deal was meant to be that “he would let me see my beautiful daughter again.” Not surprisingly, he lied.

Finally this alter resurfaced after very many years and discovered how much the real world had changed. She wrote:

    Then I heard about all the changes that had occurred. How time has passed. I couldn’t believe it. The priest was dead?! The demons were liars. My heart melted inside me. What about my beautiful daughter? Where was she? I didn’t dare ask because I thought I had to keep things normal.

    Then the Holy Spirit came. I could feel his love and power. I thought if anyone could save my daughter it would be him. And he was gentle, so he would never hurt my daughter. When I learned that the Holy Spirit and Jesus were the same person, I went to Jesus. I bowed before him and I confessed my sins and my failure to protect my beautiful baby. I told him that I would do anything to have my beautiful daughter back.

    He replied, “I am sorry. I cannot bring your daughter back.” I fell to the ground and wept. My beautiful daughter, was lost forever. My shoulders shook and I couldn’t breathe. He put his hand on my shoulder and I started to calm down. He lifted me and sat me next to him. He said, “There has been a lie passed on to you. This lie has caused you to believe things that aren’t true and to do things that are painful to you and others. Do you want all this pain to end?”

    “Yes, with all my heart,” I replied.

    He said, “I desire truth in the inner parts. So these lies must be exposed to the truth. This will be quite painful to you. It will be very hard to hear but I want you to know that I cannot tell a lie. I am the creator of everything. I create with my words. If I speak, whatever I say is true of the universe. If I say let all the frogs slither on the ground; they will. If I create a new law then anything that breaks that law is a lie because it is the opposite of what I created. I am the Author of Truth because I am the Creator. Do you understand that I cannot tell a lie because I am truth?”

    I understood.

    He said, “My dear daughter, you were never pregnant. The baby you saw get hurt was not your baby. It belonged to someone else. The memories of having this baby never happened. They used drugs and hypnotism to cause you to believe these things. You saw a baby get hurt and that’s all. These evil men lied to you so that you would do as they wanted. You were desperate. You wanted to save a life. I forgive you. This was also something I covered on the cross. Does all of this make sense to you?”

    I was crying so much that I couldn’t talk. I just nodded. He put his hand on my back and I calmed down a little but I couldn’t look anywhere but my lap. He squatted in front of me and lifted my chin.

    “Though you having this child was not real,” he continued, “she has won a place in your heart. You feel feelings of love for this child. These feelings caused you to go to any length to save her. It didn’t matter what it cost you because you loved her so much. I feel the same way about you. I will go to any length to make you my daughter, my beautiful daughter. Do you confess freely that you have sinned?”

    I began weeping again, “Yes. I’m so sorry.” I dropped my head again.

    He lifted my chin and continued, “Then the way is clear for you to be my beautiful daughter. You are beautiful beyond description and I will do anything to keep you safe and help you heal from this horrible tragedy. I will always be there for you. This is what a good father would do. Will you have me as your father?”

    “Yes, please,” I said.

    He put his hand on my head and prayed a blessing on me. Then he said, “Let’s work toward healing and setting things right. It will be hard for you to move past this lie. Are you willing to do this no matter the cost?”

    I agreed.

    “Then it is settled,” he replied.

Another of this woman’s alters was certain she had been pressured into shooting dead a child. Typical with SRA, the child her abusers chose was her best friend. There were two formidable barriers to her talking to Jesus about it.

As is common with Satanic Ritual Abuse, the first deterrent was that one of her abusers used to pretend to be Jesus and this made her terrified of the real Jesus. This fear slowly lessened as I kept assuring her that the real Jesus is nothing like the fake one but is good and kind and safe.

Then the second barrier loomed: she was too guilt-ridden to dare mention it to Jesus. I assured her of Jesus’ forgiveness, but what finally drove her to muster the courage to talk to him about it was hearing that Jesus can raise the dead. She concluded that if she asked Jesus, he might raise to life again the child she had killed.

Jesus told her that the gun had blanks and the child she aimed the gun at, believing the bullets to be real, had merely fainted. Yes, there was blood but this was from earlier mistreatment by the abusers.

This, in fact, is the only way to make sense of the events because the alter later revealed that immediately afterward she was told to put the gun to her head and kill herself. She pulled the trigger and apparently either fainted herself or switched alters because she believed she died. Not only is the woman still alive, she has no scars associated with a bullet wound to the head. The alter is now convinced that she had killed no one.

In this case, besides the use of blanks (and possibly drugs), there was little sophistication in the abusers’ deception. When a young alter who already has a history of being terrified out of her wits is forced into the highly traumatic plight of believing she must fire a loaded gun at another child, little sophistication is needed.

Weeks later, another of her alters wrote to me saying:

    I don’t know why but my mommy and daddy said the priest was going to be my daddy just like Hannah did with Samuel. I was a gift to God and that’s why mommy and daddy gave us to the priest.

Shortly afterward, she had this conversation with Jesus, whom she calls Dadda:

    “Dadda, my mommy gave me to the priest. Did you say mommy was supposed to do that?”

    “I would never sanction that! Not ever! But what makes you think your mom gave you away?”

    “I don’t know. I just know it. I can kind of see her, blurry like. But I just know it. It feels right.”

    “Well, here’s the truth: you had a false memory implanted into you. Your mom never did any such thing. The priest wanted you to believe that so you would do whatever he asked. That’s why it’s kind of blurry. Your mom does love you, but in a broken and blind way. She sees what she wants and forgets the rest. And the priest helped her do that, too. But there is one memory that casts doubt but it’s a teeny tiny doubt so she just dismisses it. If your mom knew the extent of what she did, and what happened, it would be too much for her to bear. So we are going to leave it the way it is. She doesn’t need to know.”


Everything I have written about Dissociative Identity Disorder (D.I.D.) should be read by people who have suffered SRA.

Related Pages

For much more insight and help, see:
Christian Resources: Index of Help for Dissociative Identity Disorder

More about Demons


Personalized support
Grantley Morris: healing@net-burst.net

© 2010, 2016 Grantley Morris. May be freely copied in whole or in part provided: it is not altered; this entire paragraph is included; readers are not charged and it is not used in a webpage. Many more compassionate, inspiring, sometimes hilarious writings available free online at www.net-burst.net  Freely you have received, freely give. For use outside these limits, consult the author.


[D.I.D. Help] [Much More!] [E-Mail Me]
[Bless & Be Blessed by Facebook] [Daily Quotes] [My Shame]