Dissociative Identity Disorder:
Unwanted Sexual Cravings

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Healing an Alter’s Dangerous Lust for Sex

Grantley Morris


This webpage is intended to provide comfort, support and insight into many people reeling in shock, bewilderment or guilt over discovering what they or a loved one has done. Of necessity, it will mention sexual matters but only with the purest motives. If you wonder whether it is appropriate for you to read it, I suggest you look at this short link: Is this for You?

In How Accountable are People with Multiple Personalities? I expand on this statement:

    Although, with Dissociative Identity Disorder, instances of diminished responsibility often occur without having peculiar gaps in their consciousness, some people experience this. They occasionally have times of such little conscious control that they might as well have been sleepwalking. They have apparently been awake and actively doing things but when they finally become aware of their surroundings they have no idea what has happened in the previous minutes or perhaps longer. For some, it is so common that they accept it as a normal part of life.

In that highly relevant webpage I focus on the issue of diminished responsibility, whereas this one deals with how this phenomenon can have upsetting sexual ramifications.

My heart aches for people whose lives have been ripped apart by the shocking discovery that they, or their loved one or those they long to support, find themselves hounded by inappropriate sexual cravings that are alien to who they really are. Any of us can suffer alarmingly intense temptation in which sins we don’t want to commit feel terrifyingly desirable, but I refer to something deeper and more disturbing. There are many possibilities, but for a brief example, see One Woman’s Shame. Then there are those who have been actually engaging in appallingly out of character sexual activity that for years either they had no conscious awareness had been happening or they had been quite unable to stop. They might, for example, hate sex and love God and have been utterly convinced they have always adhered to the highest, God-honoring sexual standards and be shaken to the core to one day be hit with irrefutable proof that for years they have sexually promiscuous

Can people really be bewildered beyond words by discovering hither-to unknown passions that horrify them, or even be shocked to disbelief to learn that they have been actively involved in such behavior against their will or even without their awareness? Despite being ludicrously impossible for most people, there are rare individuals for whom it really happens, due to a perplexing survival technique of the mind initiated by childhood trauma. It is known to therapists as Dissociative Identity Disorder but better known as multiple personalities to the general public (though atrociously misunderstood by them).

There are those who, through no fault of their own, have a part of them that wants what appalls the rest of the person and even, in some cases, can override the rest of the person’s will and/or consciousness. The latter is a little like sleepwalking in which someone does complex things that the rest of the person has no idea ever happened.

This is not some questionable excuse, spiritual weakness or lack of will-power, but a powerful psychological reality for certain people whose lives have been shattered by childhood trauma. Even the trauma is likely to be remembered only by part of the person. Because the trauma inflicted on the innocent is often sexual in nature, the unwanted behavior can be sexual. It is often solitary but it could – to the horror of the rest of the person – involve multiple partners or even molesting children.

My inner being withes in pain for everyone devastated by the unwanted – and sometimes even uncontrollable – sexual yearnings or behavior that can result from this little-understood affliction. What fires my heart-felt compassion is a glimmer of understanding of how precious and misjudged these dear people are. I write because, although the process is long and very taxing, healing can be found and what it requires is the opposite of what most people might expect.

To make it just a little more personal, I sometimes write as if it were you, rather than someone you know, who has Dissociative Identity Disorder. For some readers this will be true but don’t feel left out if you are reading to support or understand someone else. On the contrary, I highly commend you. You should find this webpage extremely helpful.

To further humanize this webpage, I feature – with her wholehearted approval – concrete, real-life examples from a woman I have called Violet.

For complex reasons explained in a valuable webpage, Sexual Abuse & Sex Addiction, it is tragically common for survivors of sex abuse to end up with powerful yearnings for certain unhealthy, or even dangerous, sexual highs. Moreover, being subjected to sex abuse as a child is often a cause of Dissociative Identity Disorder (also known as Multiple Personality Disorder). As I have already alluded, this response to childhood trauma significantly complicates matters because it renders it possible for part of a person to have cravings (or even act them out) while most of the person remains totally unaware of them.

Each fractured, almost completely autonomous part of a person with Dissociative Identity Disorder is known as an alter. Ironically, not just alters who loathe sex, but also almost all alters who seem to crave sex, are victims of sex abuse. With alters, things are rarely as they initially seem. Even with many of those who apparently crave sex, if you get to know them well enough, you will discover they do not actually want sex at all. Instead, they tragically feel compelled to pretend they want it, or even to try to convince themselves that they do, in a pitiful attempt, either to cope with unavoidable abuse (which they might have ended years ago without them realizing it) or to cope with the resulting horrific flashbacks.

Regardless of how it plays out, however, a large proportion of alters were created as a desperate attempt of people’s minds to mentally survive the trauma of being sexually abused. And this is particularly true of almost all alters who engage in embarrassing or even disgustingly inappropriate sexual behavior. You might currently have no recollection of having been molested, and you most likely do not yet know the full extent of what you suffered, because alters are formed for the specific reason of protecting you by keeping such horrors from your awareness. Until you discover exactly what atrocities they endured, it would be a grave injustice to prejudge these alters.

Given the likelihood that the alters distressing you were sexually violated, I will set the scene by telling you of a simple but profound revelation that Flower, one of Violet’s alters, received. You will learn more about Violet as we proceed but I’d like us to start here because it shows how we should view not just alters we find easy to love but those we might initially be tempted to detest.

This alter likes flowers so much that she named herself Flower. As is so tragically common, Flower was formed by someone devastating her and breaking God’s heart by sexually violating her. Some of Violet’s alters even worried they might be permanently sexually mutilated by the abusers using instruments on them.

Flower was terrified of Jesus because one of her abusers used to claim to be Jesus. After a lot of coaxing and reassurance, she eventually spoke with the real Jesus. You might call that special encounter a vision but it was very real to her. Jesus gave her a stunningly beautiful dahlia flower and said what I believe to be true of all alters formed because of sex abuse: he told her she was like that particularly desirable flower.

Jesus explained that dahlias of such staggering beauty do not occur naturally. They are formed only by years and years of selective breeding involving artificial pollination. This, of course, does not distress the plants but Jesus likened it to people forcing plants to have sex. God detests what sexual predators do, but Jesus was saying that, despite it all, the alters who result from this violation are especially beautiful to him and delight him, just as the exquisitely beautiful dahlia delighted Flower.

The Holy One is angered and repulsed by people hurting and defiling children but, rather than the atrocities inflicted on them devaluing alters, it makes them, if anything, more precious and desirable in his eyes. This is the heart of God and should be the foundation of our attitude towards every alter, no matter how some of them might initially seem to us. As a beautiful baby starts life as a rather repulsive-looking fetus, not all alters seem beautiful at first but, if only we nurture them, their beauty will be manifested.

Given how much every alter means to God, to get down on my knees and serve one is to worship God. The vilest of alters bears the image of God and is so infinitely precious that the Eternal Son of God willingly sacrificed everything to make possible that alter’s restoration. No matter how depraved an alter might currently be, it is a sacred privilege and an honor of the highest order to do everything I can to encourage, support and serve him/her. Anyone failing to understand this does not know God as he ought.

To my shame, I confess that ridding myself of ungodly self-righteousness and a judgmental attitude towards people immersed in deliberate sexual sin has been a ridiculously long journey. I started early but ugly remnants lingered for years. If the Holy One loves those who are currently defiled, how dare I act more ‘righteous’ than him! What an insult to God! My attitude rendered me at least as worthy of God’s wrath as the vilest offender. Indeed, given my insights into God, humanity’s Judge had every right to hold me more accountable.

My driving passion is to edge you closer and closer to loving alters as God loves. This is my obsession because not only does acting like God exalt a person, love of divine proportions works the miracles you need. It transforms evil into good. It heals and empowers, whereas resentment and suppression perpetuates fracturedness. Since “a house divided against itself will fall,” (Luke 11:17) and to kill alters (if that were even possible) would be the same as killing off chucks of your brain and reducing your intellectual capacity, healing necessitates turning enemies within you into friends; melting the hearts of inner opponents with the warmth of divinely inspired love.

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Help & Inspiration From Someone Else’s Experience?

Your experience is unique. Nevertheless, I have carefully selected only those aspects of Violet’s story that are likely to be prove highly instructive for you.

Here are examples of what Violet found within her:

    * A pedophile alter who was convinced that it is good to molest children and was eager to do so.

    * A lesbian alter determined to achieve her life goal of using a man to have a baby and then dumping him to enter into a permanent sexual relationship with a woman.

    * An alter who engaged in physical self-harm of a sexual nature.

    * An alter who kept deliberately sabotaging Violet’s earnest efforts to stop masturbating.

    * An alter committed to serving Satan and summoning demons who ruled over other alters, demanding that they engage in various sexual sins (this is not Jessie – an alter referred to later in this webpage – but the account appears at the end of the explicit record of my interaction with Jessie).

    * A demon (initially thought to be an alter) who molested Violet

Not only have each of these issues been resolved in Violet, I will detail how each transformation came about. You might have alters with other sexual problems – perhaps engaging in promiscuity behind your back, alters sexually molesting other alters, or something else that horrifies you – but the principles that changed Violet’s alters will also change yours.

Violet is a middle-aged woman I have been daily supporting for quite some time. We live on opposite sides of the globe and have never met in person. Nevertheless, she has shared so much and so openly that I am sure I know her heart well.

Perhaps you have not been addicted to sexual highs as she had been. Parts of you that have yet to reveal themselves to you, however, might have more issues than you currently realize. Violet’s experience with forgiveness is also more pertinent than it might seem.

There are three types of forgiveness that are vitally important for our well-being:

    1. Being convinced that through Christ God has forgiven us

    2. Forgiving ourselves

    3. Forgiving others

Years of counseling people has shown me that these three types of forgiveness travel together. Progress with any of them will aid progress with the others.

Resenting alters who give us a hard time is as dangerously counterproductive as making an enemy out of the only person who can help us. Following Christ’s example, we need to honor and respect alters who gave us a hard time, and forgiveness is an integral part of this.

For twelve heart-wrenching years, Violet unsuccessfully battled sex addiction. She joined a recovery group and witnessed many other people’s transformation, but her own victories were riddled with soul-destroying failures as she fought to break her slavery to porn, masturbation and fantasizing about rape. Not everyone who discovers highly sexual alters follows this path. Some are initially unaware of any sexual craving. You will discover enough points of contact with her experience and that of her alters, however, to make it valuable. She writes about her sex addiction:

    I told God my frustrations with always failing. He said, “I know, but my grace is sufficient here, too. Just keep confessing your sin and accepting my forgiveness. You will recover.”

    For twelve years that was all I heard about my recovery. Honestly, I felt so isolated from him that sometimes that I felt lucky to get even hear that much from him. I wondered if he even cared.

    I examined what little of my past I could remember and started healing from it. I remembered a small portion of the abuse of my father. One day he gave me a hundred swats with a belt on my bare bottom. In my ignorance, I thought this was bad but it certainly wasn’t abuse.

    When I finally figured out that it was abuse, I was floored. I had never thought in those terms. I began to hate my dad. But that felt awful too! Then I learned about forgiveness. Forgiveness isn’t about forgetting that a person hurt me. It’s about remembering that they hurt me but letting God deal with them and their sin while I set boundaries to keep myself safe. Because I chose to look at this part of my past I learned that if I can forgive and forgive and forgive, without my father ever asking for forgiveness, then God is willing to do that for me.

    So, even though I regularly lost the battle with addiction I continued to confess and accept forgiveness.

    Then I accepted my part in abusing my brothers and asked their forgiveness. Through grappling with this I learned that nothing is unforgivable. This helped me to confess my sin and accept God’s forgiveness more easily. It became a natural rhythm for me: I’d fight my sex addiction and lose. Then, in utter humility and contriteness, I’d ask for God’s forgiveness. It was miserable, but livable.

    I looked at all the horrible lies I learned from my father such as being told I was worthless and a failure. One by one I went through the memories attached to these lies and little by little I began to see myself as worthwhile and capable and even loveable, despite still having no control over my sex addiction.

    Next, I looked at the religious abuse my father afflicted on me. He was a pro at using the Bible to tear me down. I couldn’t even read the Bible without it speaking condemnation to me.

    I was brought to my knees by the death of my father and my being diagnosed with the same heart condition that lead to his death. I ended up at a church retreat. It was here that things came to a head. I told God, “I don’t believe you love me. You talk to so many other people but you don’t talk to me. You hate me. But life without your love is worthless. I will no longer not seek you. You must find me. Unless you personally tell me today that I am precious, I will kill myself in the morning. I am done living life without you in it.”

    God made himself abundantly clear that day and he called me precious. The man God used for that life-changing event also learned how my father had used the Bible as a weapon against me. He prayed for Jesus to remove the words that had been inappropriately implanted into my heart. From that moment on, the Bible became a living book. It spoke to me in comfort rather than condemnation. My confidence in Jesus’ love exploded.

    I continued to know absolutely no reason for my sex addiction. It was just there. Even being convinced of Jesus’ love didn’t make it go away. But I had worked so hard on what little I remembered. I had learned to forgive myself and others. I had learned that I wasn’t the scum of the earth and had developed an appropriate love for myself. I had learned to deal with stress. I had learned to set boundaries. I had learned that above and beyond anything else, Jesus loved me!

    It was not until less than a year ago that I finally discovered I have alters. The first alter I met was Rose. It was a very strange experience. She told me about my grandfather repeatedly molesting me.

    Since then, I’ve been finding more and more alters and, as story after story came out, learning more and more reasons for my problems with sex and how to resolve them. I have now met 84 alters and still more keep appearing. As they have revealed themselves to me, and allowed me to know the secret they have held on to, I have gained healing and so have they. Yes, each discovery is incredibly painful but we no longer fear pain. We face the pain together and it is facing that pain that has molded us into a team and empowered us to gain what is now two months of hard-fought sexual purity. Now I know what Jesus meant when he said I would recover. I could not do it without my alters and they could not heal without me confronting the pain of their memories. I treasure every one of them above everything else in my life, other than Jesus.

I want you to grasp the timescale: Violet was approaching her forties before she realized she had any alters. It was only then that she commenced her journey of discovering previously suppressed memories and so many parts of her that, for differing reasons, were feeding her sex addiction and continually sabotaging her earnest attempts to stop. The previous years of learning about forgiveness and deepening her relationship with God, however, formed a necessary foundation for what followed.

Befriending and loving her alters, understanding their inner torment, comforting them, gently correcting their mistaken beliefs (most of which had been torturously pounded into them by abusers) and coaxing them to befriend Jesus has finally empowered Violet to take control of her life and end unwanted behavior.

Whereas we might expect that suppressing highly sexual alters would give one mastery over one’s life, the opposite is true. The way to empower oneself is to empower one’s alters by respecting them, letting them vent, empathizing with them and, based on what they reveal, gently guiding them into truths that set them free.

Over and over and over I find that alters who shame and even hurt other parts of the person might be confused and mistaken but they are sincerely doing their upmost to help, and a little love and instruction transforms them. For example. Grace, who sees herself as 14 years old, writes:

    I saw it as my job to override Violet’s wishes and masturbate regularly to keep our sexual desire and certain alters at bay. I had learned that if I masturbated my dad, he didn’t feel the need to molest me. I hated being molested, and by making him orgasm he’d leave me alone. I thought having an orgasm is what stopped people doing sexual things to another person.

    I utterly hated masturbating but I was terrified of what could happen if we stopped doing it. We had already been in some very bad and dangerous situations because of our sex addiction and I thought masturbation was needed to avoid this serious danger.

    When I began making myself known to Violet I expected her to hate me. After all, it is because of me that she was unable to maintain her attempts to stop masturbating. But she loved me and listened to me. I’d never had real love before. I’d only known about fake love.

    I learned from Jesus that having an orgasm solved nothing and even made things worse. So I stopped forcing us to have an orgasm. Now my job is to help those alters who feel the need to give us an orgasm. I lead a support group inside. In this group, alters talk through the things that have caused their sex addiction and they receive the love of their sister parts. Had it not been for my talking to Violet about my bad memories, I would not be doing this. I would still be making sure the body masturbated.

Tracey, an older alter, provides another example of the role of love in changing alters with sexual issues. She writes:

    I was host [the alter most often in control] when we were in our early twenties. My life’s goal was to have sex with a man just to use him so that I could have a baby, then find a woman who loved me. Then we could marry each other and live happily ever after.

    Here’s how this became my goal: My expectations after graduating high school had been to go to college and marry a man and have children. So I found a guy and repeatedly had sex outside of marriage with him but I found no pleasure or connection with him. I couldn’t even orgasm with a man. I happened upon a relationship with a woman at the same time. I felt extreme pleasure and a strong connection with her because we could orgasm together. Since I wanted any child I had to be loved by parents who were connected to each other, I thought this meant I had to get a baby from a man and marry a woman.

    I loved this woman and would do anything for her; sometimes even risky things like sex and nudity in public. Then, one day, she tired of me and kicked me out. My world fell apart and I retreated inside to hide. After a while, however, I began to take over the body again. I wanted my lover back. But she had rejected me. So I started searching for another woman.

    When I first met Violet I attacked her. I hated her. I thought she was keeping us ugly by the way she dressed and behaved and that this was why I couldn’t attract a lover. My plan was to prevent her from being host and take over so that I could fulfill my dream. I thought that then I’d be safe. But Violet worked with me, even though I asked her to do horrible things.

    She wanted me to talk to Jesus. That made me laugh. I’m stronger than Violet. She can’t make me do anything. But she never tried. Instead, she made a deal with me: she’d take a shower everyday as I wanted, regardless of the eczema that would be aggravated, and I’d spend twenty minutes in the same room as Jesus, without even having to talk to him. I agreed. I didn’t think she’d actually follow through, but she did! So I glared at Jesus for twenty minutes and he looked genuinely pleased to be with me. That shocked me.

    Then Violet wanted me to read one of Grantley’s articles about Jesus’ love. My response was, “HELL NO!” Violet was not put off. She asked me what deal we could make that would help me read that article. Knowing Violet’s hatred of our sex addiction, I said, “You watch porn and masturbate and I’ll read your *!@%# article.” She looked at Jesus who, to my utter shock and amazement told her, “I know you hate it but my grace is sufficient here, too.” I was floored further when Violet, fighting back tears, agreed.

    [I would be grieved – to say nothing of how God would feel – if any reader used this as an excuse for indulging in sin. Had Violet sought my input I would have strenuously advised her to resist Tracey’s request. But I was not consulted. I have always urged her to go to Jesus rather than to me and I have never known her to mishear him. This instance stretches to the limit my faith in Violet’s ability to always hear from him but a critical factor is that Tracey was powerful enough to override Violet and get her own way anyhow. Instead of acting like a wild cat viciously fighting a losing battle with a wolf, Violet was kind and gracious and it was this that eventually won Tracey over. – Grantley.]

    She did the deed and I read the article, part of which said, “We would be appalled if a man kidnapped a woman and raped and enslaved her because he claims he loves her, wants her as his wife and is convinced he can make her happy. It would be an immoral abuse of power, regardless of whether he used physical force or threats – in which case she would be conscious of the violation of her rights – or if he used drugs or hypnotism so that she is unaware that what is happening is against her will. Real love respects the desires of the beloved, no matter how much it clashes with the lover’s personal longings, and no matter how certain he is that the person would benefit from a lifelong intimacy with him.”

    I ran away after reading those words. I had just forced Violet to do the one thing she loathed and she had done it while in tears. Her pain was palpable. I was just like the man who raped the woman. But Violet had respected my wishes even though it hurt her to use our body that way. This was my first experience with real love. I figured out that day that this love is what I really wanted. My lover had never been like that. She just loved having sex with me. I decided to join the other alters and put away my desire to sleep with a man and marry a woman. If Violet had never let me work through my memories and feel the complete shame of having prostituted myself with others, I would probably still be trying to have sex with any and every man and trying to find love in all the wrong places.

    Jesus never fought me. He never pushed. But still he won me. When I compared the depths of his love to the shallows of my lover’s affection, the need for fake love went away. My lover only wanted the highs. But Jesus went through the highs and lows with me. My lover loved me for what my body gave her. But Jesus loves me for what he can give me. He loves me just to love me. My lover came to the point when she no longer wanted me. Jesus says, “You refresh me every day. How could I be without you?” The love I felt for my lover was nothing more than fake love born out of a desperate need to be loved. The need for imposter love disappears when the real thing comes.

    Jesus gave me the love I was searching for – and he did it without sex. My body still yearns for a sexual high but I can live without it. I have real love – not a sexual high masquerading as love. It changed every desire I had. Being connected with Jesus and all my sister parts has proven to me that connection isn’t about sex; it’s about being loved. So the connection I felt needed to exist between a child’s parents is not about sex but about being loved. I now see sex as like a lane on the multi-lane freeway of love. There are many other ways to be connected. If sex breaks down, there are always the other lanes. Moreover, Jesus has told me that marrying the man of his choice won’t be a problem sexually.

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Like it or not, your alters are an integral part of you. Releasing them from bondage will release you.

Of critical importance is coaxing them to share their heart with Jesus and let him talk with them. Over and over and over, Violet’s alters have come to me with issues and – as is inevitably the case – the greatest breakthroughs always come when I finally get them to talk with Jesus about it. He is the one with all the wisdom and all the answers. He not only brings encouragement like no other person and knows precisely what to say and the perfect way to communicate it but, even more importantly, he alone offers unshakable security and has the infinite reserves of deeply personal love they desperately need.

His uniquely warm, selfless, unconditional and dependable love fits everyone’s need, like the one key that fits a lock, and joyfully releases us to our full potential. He is the one who heals and fulfills. Anyone else is an inadequate, potentially dangerous substitute. A good therapist/counselor is like someone desperate to return a lost child to its loving parent as soon as possible. Any other approach is equivalent to kidnapping the child.

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An Alter Too Evil to Love?

Let’s get highly practical. You’re a highly moral person who detests child abuse even more than most people. What if a previously unknown alter emerged from within you who is alarmingly strong and is determined to molest children? What if this part of you had not only been stripped of morality by a skilled pedophile, but she craved to be a sexual offender and was hell-bent on acting on her yearnings the first opportunity she got? Violet found herself in this appalling situation. And I had to counsel her.

To protect your sensitivities I will omit details here but in another webpage the privilege is available of reading word for word this alter’s private conversations with me so that you can see precisely what it took to bring her to the point of sincerely wanting never again to molest children. Confidentiality is critically important and this revelation is, of course, made only with the alter’s full approval.

Violet’s alter with atrocious cravings was a child called, for the sake of these webpages, Jessie. The sexual crimes she yearned to impose on real children appalled and disgusted me. Filled with virtually uncontrollable lust, Jessie was stubbornly adamant that for her to sexually interfere with innocent, vulnerable little children and training them to seduce and molest other children was not only the ultimate pleasure but is morally good.

No matter how sickened I was by Jessie’s views, however, and how much her views were at enmity with my own heart, God expects us to love our enemies. Moreover, in Sexual Abuse & Sex Addiction I provide a number of biblical examples of Jesus befriending, comforting and even defending sexual offenders. Furthermore, Jessie was not even an enemy. She was a highly confused, cruelly tricked, part of a woman I respect. Although in an adult’s body, Jessie’s understanding was less than that of a little child.

A child’s most trusted – and virtually sole – sources of truth and moral guidance are her parents and relatives, her school, and her church. From infancy, Violet had been sexually interfered with by her parents and grandfather. Additionally – although for years she had lost all memory of it – a satanic cult had brainwashed parts of her using powerful Ritual Abuse techniques (and, as proved later, aided by very real demons). Moreover, this very cult had been in charge of her education and represented the church. Violet’s school was church-based and the satanic cult had full control of it. Her school teacher was the cult leader’s wife and joined him in the torture. The leader of the cult (called the priest, though it was not his church title) was both the school principal and the church pastor. The fake Jesus was the school janitor. Children usually regard their school teachers as infallible sources of truth and, in Violet’s school, pupils were regularly taught to sexually abuse each other.

As an inevitable consequence of all these influences, little Jessie ended up sure it was irrefutably true that sexually defiling vulnerable children was not just morally neutral but a necessary act of kindness, on par both with lovingly tending to a child’s scraped knee and with preparing children for life by teaching them to read and write.

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Compassion?

Reasons for alters having diminished responsibility go way beyond some being created at a young age and never allowed to mature or develop beyond that. Even during adulthood, for example, alters can be formed that have had totally erased from their memory all the person’s previous experience and knowledge (even of their Christian beliefs and ability to read). In fact, reasons for alters deserving not our judgment but deep compassion are so diverse and extensive that although I began listing them here, to do justice to the subject I needed to devote a webpage to it: Diminished Responsibility How Accountable are People with Multiple Personalities?

Despite later ending up quite intelligent, some alters seem as if they are intellectually impaired or in a mental haze before beginning to heal. It took several of Violet’s alters quite a while to be taught the meaning of even fairly basic words such as the word ‘safe’. I should point out that it took me a surprisingly long time to discover that I was not being as well understood as I thought and, even then, it was only because a more knowledgeable alter explained to me that others were having this problem. Conversing with anyone of such severe limitations is so foreign to us that we are strongly biased to presume alters are more capable than they actually are. Moreover, Dissociative Identity Disorder often compels alters to become adept at being thrown into situations they know nothing about and forced to give the impression they know what they are doing.

Although some alters are more experienced, some have been unconscious nearly all of the time, and even on the fleeting occasions they were allowed to function, it was in a very limited way and always for the same purpose. It defies my imagination to grasp what it would be like to try to think with a mind that has had such a miniscule experience of life.

So Jessie, totally naïve, brainwashed, and deprived of all other knowledge, understanding and opportunities to mature, literally did not know any better; bringing diminished responsibility to a new low.

She simply needed instruction, even if I grew frustrated and disturbed over how long it took for this information to impact her.

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There is another, entirely different, set of reasons for alters deserving our deep compassion despite seeming so vile as to disgust us.

After the events detailed in the webpage about Violet yet another of her alters appeared. I was going to include the details in that webpage but, instead, here is a mild and summarized version of what happened. I do not want you to miss it because it demonstrates how alters are typically nothing like the depraved beasts we might hastily judge them to be.

Violet was battling an unusually strong yearning to masturbate, but to honor God and protect herself and her alters, she was determined not to yield, no matter how excruciatingly intense the cravings were. She added that if she caved in to the temptation:

     . . . I would be in serious danger of demonic attack. I can’t afford that, with all my littles [ young alters ] around. My relationship with Jesus would be compromised and I’d have to look into His amazing eyes and apologize, knowing that I treated this temple he gave me as garbage. I can’t do that to him or me. I can’t afford to lose my virginity again. I won’t do that, no matter how much my body screams at me. I just won’t!

Then an alter, using crude language, tried to seduce me. Upon my refusal, the alter complained bitterly and tried even harder to seduce me.

The type of sex she was begging for was likely to be painful, especially for a child. I questioned her as to why she would want it. In addition to saying it is what she needs, she replied, “I love pain! Especially when it gives me such pleasure.”

I told her that both Violet’s refusal and mine were because we loved and respected her. She denied this and said that Violet did not love her. She complained that she had caused Violet’s sexual cravings and that Violet had considered her to be a demon and treated her accordingly.

I informed Violet. Unaware that an alter had been involved, she apologized to the alter.

Her fellow alters and I explained to this alter that she was now free from her abusers and so no longer compelled to obey them. Upon hearing this, she instantly changed; filling with shame and remorse over having talked dirty and trying to seduce me and giving Violet sexual cravings.

It turned out that her abusers had given her the task of pleasing certain pedophiles who would pay money for a child who talked dirty and pretended to want to be defiled. Her apparent lust and vile language were nothing but an act – something she found abhorrent but felt compelled by her abusers to do; knowing that if she failed to seduce or failed to make certain alters crave sex, she (and perhaps other alters) would be severely punished with still more sexual torture.

There is another side to this alter’s story. It is significant because it reveals yet another set of reasons for alters having severely diminished responsibility and for us filling with compassion for them. I will save this, however, for later in the webpage.

* * *

When communicating with any alter, it is critically important to die to personal prejudices and be gracious, respectful and friendly. In all that we do we must be Christlike. Jesus is not coldly clinical and every Christian should have deep compassion for those caught up in sexual sin.

I have seen over and over and over how astonishingly powerful Christlike love is in transforming alters who have ungodly attitudes. So, as is my custom when communicating with an alter, in my e-mails to Jessie I frequently used tender terms, such as often slipping “my friend” into what I said to ease the blow of some of the frank things I needed to say. Additionally, I often closed my e-mails with “Your friend, Grantley” (I never refer to myself as “Uncle”) or something similar. These endings have been omitted from the next webpage to lessen your reading. Had Jessie perceived me as harsh or judgmental, she would almost certainly have terminated communication with me, thus denying me the opportunity to help her.

My counseling style was not some act, however. I keep praying that God give me his heart – his attitude to everyone and everything. There is sure to be plenty of room for improvement but our Lord has graciously given me genuine compassion for those he loves, regardless of how twisted their views are.

Before moving on I should briefly address the big temptation to think that although we should be kind to others, we have the God-given right to despise part of ourselves. As I have written elsewhere:

    You and your alters might share the same body but this fact in no way gives you license to be less than loving towards them, any more than a husband and wife being one flesh (Mark 10:7-8) gives anyone permission to mistreat his wife. On the contrary, sharing the same body increases your responsibility to be kind to your alters, just as being physically one increases a husband’s obligation to be tenderly compassionate towards his partner. In fact, the Bible insists that for a man to ride roughshod over the feelings of the woman he is one with will threaten his relationship with God (1 Peter 3:7).

There is a huge complication in showing love to someone else’s alters, however. Healing from Dissociative Identity Disorder takes years, and so a faithful counselor needs to be around for a very long time. Moreover, alters are desperate for love, and especially for a parent figure. This makes alters highly vulnerable to forming dependencies and attachments to counselors that are unhealthily strong. Moreover, since such a long time period is involved, there is a significant possibility of unforeseen circumstances eventually preventing a counselor from being able to maintain the relationship. Should this happen, the greater the dependency and attachment, the more devastating the resulting setback will be.

So I insist that alters bond with Jesus, not me. He alone is the perfect therapist and able to be present 24/7 and can guarantee never to burnout, get sick or die. He alone can hug them and play with them in a completely safe and non-sexual way. Little alters must always make him their Daddy and never me. And the goal must be for them to feel closer to each other, than to any counselor. This is vital for their healing, since they all share one brain and I am not part of that brain. Both types of bonding – bonding with Jesus and with each other – foster healing and have no downsides.

I am delighted that almost all of Violet’s alters call her “Momma” and call Jesus “Dadda,” and this is not mere terminology but their heartfelt cry. Jesus has often told her alters they can choose their daddy. After a little thought, each has independently decided that Jesus would make a far superior daddy to me. I admit to sometimes feeling a twinge of pain about this but I know it must be this way.

Showing sufficient warmth and tenderness without unhealthy bonding is a difficult balancing act that I’m sure to sometimes get wrong. It was with considerable reluctance that I gave in to the pleas of Violet’s alters that they call me Uncle Grantley. I have never allowed anyone else’s alters to do this. However, they felt uncomfortable about calling an adult by his first name and I felt that calling me Mr. Morris was too cold.

When Jessie began telling me about what she wanted to do to children, I was not just horrified but stunned. I had not seen it coming. It was utterly out of character for Violet. I had always considered her alters to be utterly trustworthy with children.

When some of her alters had tried to seduce me, there was not the slightest chance of anything materializing because I was as unmoved as stone. It was far more alarming when defenseless children were the target. More worrying still was that, although childless herself and she had temporarily lessened her contact with children, Violet’s passionate plans for the future involved being a caregiver to an unusually large number of children.

I would be disturbed if Jessie had merely lusted after children but, as if it were the most natural thing in the world, Jessie had an almost uncontrollable yearning to seduce and molest little children with whom Violet, even now, was sometimes alone.

Violet is a woman of iron will, utterly devoted to doing things God’s holy way. This was good, but not enough. As already indicated, most people with Dissociative Identity Disorder have alters who, at least occasionally, slip out and do something contrary to the host’s knowledge and/or wishes. In contrast to most people, however, Violet had developed several layers of unusually effective ways of preventing wayward alters from taking over. This is a very difficult thing to achieve. Nevertheless, the stakes were suddenly higher than I ever imagined. If, for a moment, Jessie did something inappropriate behind Violet’s back, Violet’s entire future would be ruined, to say nothing about the harm inflicted on the children.

Thankfully, alters with views very different to their hosts can usually be won over fairly quickly when shown love and respect, paired with patient instruction. Jessie took more convincing than I expected. I kept trying to find something that would undermine her certainly that she was right. I knew that this would then open her up to what I was saying. It took a while to get there, however.

* * *

Helping You Help Alters

Since every alter is unique, the help you offer an alter must be tailored for that specific alter. So in guiding you I can only provide examples that, not matter how illuminating and encouraging, cannot be slavishly followed but must be modified according to the needs of each alter. To further assist, however, I can outline some general principles in supporting highly sexualized alters. The examples appear later in links but here are some general principles:

* Encourage Alters to Dialog with You But Do All you Can to Control their Access to the Body and to Other Alters

    It is vital to remain in communication with alters. This is the only way to help potentially dangerous alters and if you lose contact with them (because, for example, they don’t see you as being friendly) they will not only remain dangerous and in needless distress, they could at some time escape your control and devastate you.

    On the other hand, until you can convince such alters to change, you need to remain hypervigilant to ensure they do not take over the body and create havoc. Do whatever is feasible to physically prevent opportunities for wrongdoing. This might involve such things as changing a password to a critical Internet account or even changing a phone number, or isolating yourself from people, or, until the crisis is over, locking yourself inside your house at night and hiding the key. You might also need strong, trustworthy alters taking shifts for around the clock monitoring to prevent the alter from taking over the body. If only one alter is powerful enough to restrain the errant alter, other trustworthy ones can still act as sentries to wake up the powerful alter if needed.

* Be Christlike

    I earlier explained the importance of being kind, warm, loving, patient and gentle with alters. If they are your own alters, you have the advantage of not having to avoid them becoming too bonded to you, nor having them too dependent upon you. It will be good for both you and them, however, to keep helping alters grow stronger and to selflessly teach them skills you have. Alters are a part of you, and the more empowered they are, the more empowered you are.

* Encourage Alters to Connect with Jesus

    Always remember that Jesus is unquestionably the best friend, companion, advisor, healer, therapist and source of comfort that any alter – or anyone else – could ever have.

    Alters typically have remarkable interactions with Jesus in which he speaks to them with such clarity that I often have to try not to be envious.

    Alters fearing the real Jesus forces us to try to fill in the vacuum until alters finally overcome their needless fear and go direct to the One they need. I find it torturously frustrating trying to act like a counselor/therapist. I stumble around in my inept, clumsy way, when Jesus, the perfect therapist – and everything else alters need – is eager to do so much more for them than any therapist could ever achieve.

    The frustrating obstacle, however, is that alters have often gained a distorted impression of Jesus that keeps them aloof from him. Many alters have been tricked by their abusers into thinking that Jesus is scary. Abusers often ludicrously and blasphemously claim or imply that God approves of their atrocious acts, and alters swallow their poisonous lie. As already mentioned, some abusers even dress up as Jesus and pretend to be him while torturing people.

    So work hard on gently correcting any misconceptions or fears alters have about Jesus, and bring them to him as soon as possible. Monitor what happens, however, because, although it is rare, it is not impossible for alters to think they are relating to Jesus when it is an impostor. It is possible, for example, to encounter an alter who is convinced that he/she is the false Jesus and fool other alters.

* Don’t Focus Exclusively on One Alter

    In the webpage about Jessie, I included messages from Violet and some of her other alters, and if you read the full text you will see how relevant they were to helping Jessie. Here are some examples of the impact of other alters:

      * Other alters were able to let me know the extent to which they could keep Jessie from acting out her desires.

      * Jessie had enormous difficulty in breaking her emotional entanglement with the priest. If other alters showed her deep love and acceptance it would help break this bondage, whereas the opposite would happen if alters spurned Jessie. This is an example of how critically important the attitude of other alters can be.

      * Sometimes they provided vital clues as to how to help Jessie. It is not unusual for other alters to be able to provide deeper insights into beliefs, attitudes, feelings etc of the alter you are trying to help.

      * Often alters are dominated by stronger alters who are determined to keep the alters doing undesirable things. It turned out that Jessie had an alter putting pressure on her, but it took a long while for this to become evident.

* Keep Looking for Lies Alters Believe

    There are many lies that alters tend to believe that keep them feeling weak and hopeless. For example, they might believe they are unforgivable or useless or never able to escape the abuser’s power over them, or that the abuser’s threats can still be enforced when they cannot. Upon identifying lies we need to apply the next point.

* Try to Find One Thing that Proves to the Alter that He/She is Mistaken

    It often only takes the exposing of one misconception to make an alter willing to accept that everything else the alter believes might also be mistaken. If an attempt fails to crack an alter’s certainty that his/her view of reality is accurate, you will need to keep prayerfully searching for something else that achieves this. Here are examples of things that might work:

      * The calendar year

        Sometimes proving to alters what year it is shocks them into realizing how little they know. Discovering how mistaken they have been in this regard suddenly makes them open to believing other things you tell them. Of course, this only works for alters who have been inside for so long that many years have passed without their awareness. This is quite common, however.

      * The fact that years have passed without the abuser reclaiming them

        Continually pressing this point proved quite effective with Jessie.

      * Discovering how loving, gentle and trustworthy Jesus is

        An alter accessing the memories of fellow alters or seeing another alter interact with Jesus might help with this.

      * Discovering that Jesus is more powerful that the evil forces behind the abuser.

      * Helping an alter see how much abusing sex hurts one or more other alters.

      * Helping an alter see how at odds his/her views are with that of the general public.

    * Keep Persisting

      In what I initially thought would be an act of kindness by lessening your reading time, I toyed with the idea of providing in the next webpage only the highlights of my interaction with Jessie. Upon reflection, however, I decided you would be better served by seeing how prolonged the full process was and how at certain points it can be tempting to think the situation impossible and give up trying to persuade the alter. Breakthroughs await those who don’t give up.

    * * *

    The Other Side

    I promised you more about the alter behind Violet’s extreme sexual arousal and that it would reveal even more about the astonishing extent to which alters have diminished responsibility and are truly worthy of our compassion.

    I have left this account until now, because not only is it more intelligible after having explained more about Violet, I worry about tiring some readers, but a brief summary might needlessly alarm some by firing their imaginations into overdrive. It would be easier on such readers for them to know the relatively gentle way that events unfolded.

    This alter had been called Dirty Whore by her abusers. Now that she was being helped, she changed her name to Ardyce (meaning blooming field). She was still so distraught, however, that she yearned to die.

    She had previously believed that by sexually arousing alters she was making it easier for them to endure unavoidable rapes but now that she realized how much some alters hated those feelings, she was haunted by guilt over it. Added to this was guilt over trying to tempt me and all the things she had been forced to do to be seductive to men. Further compounding her crushing guilt was her awareness that even now Violet was still being tormented by extreme sexual arousal. Ardyce felt she was the cause but found herself unable to stop it.

    Yet another reason for her wanting to die was that she was plagued by a gnawing, unfillable emptiness inside her.

    It was obvious, both to other alters and to me, that Ardyce desperately needed Jesus’ help. The problem, however, was that she was mind-numbingly terrified of him. This was psychologically inevitable. After all, on numerous occasions a man she had at the time been convinced was Jesus had sadistically raped her. Now, whenever she looked in Jesus’ direction, instead of seeing him, she was assaulted by a flashback in which she would not only see a man brutally raping her but was overwhelmed by feeling the associated distress and excruciating physical pain.

    In fact, her terror grew because she witnessed Jesus’ power when another alter was being harassed by demons and Jesus protected them all by sending the demons fleeing. All her previous experiences of people with power were of people who used their superior strength to inflict themselves on her.

    She wrote to me explaining this, concluding with:

      “I can’t talk to Jesus if I’m always crying every time I look at him. Are you sure he would never hurt me? Not ever? Not even once? If you say yes to all of this then I will try to talk to him, even if all I do is cry and shake.

    I assured her, and added that even if she could not stop crying she could still hear Jesus. Later, she wrote:

      Uncle Grantley, I went and talked to Jesus. Well, at first I didn’t do any talking. I just couldn’t. I mostly just sat on the step and crunched myself up as much as possible. I was too afraid even to look up. Jesus didn’t even come near me. I think I would have split [ involuntarily created another alter ] if he did. He was just so terrifying. I shook all over and wailed a lot. Utterly terrified, I just cried and cried. I couldn’t stop.

      Then he talked to me, but I could just barely hear him. He said that he was going to throw me a blanket that would cover me and help me calm down. It wasn’t fuzzy, which was good. I hate such things touching my skin. It was a nice cotton blanket. It was like a cone of protection around me. Nothing could touch me. I still cried a lot but I didn’t shake as much, and I didn’t wail.

      Then Jesus said, “Oh, my dear child. You are so precious to me. Your tears break my heart. My dear sweet child, I know you saw my power. Did it scare you?”

      I nodded my head. Uncle Grantley, it was terrifying to see his power and there he was, just a few yards from me.

      Then he said, “You heard a song tonight that said my love was furious. Momma [ Violet ] told you of a time when your dad fought off a Vietnam vet to protect someone who wasn’t even family. His love was furious at that moment. But that fury was pointed at the man who would harm another person. My furious love is like that. You are my child. You are my pride and joy. I will use my furious love to protect you. But I also have sweet love. My sweet love is never pointed away from you. I am always with you, lavishing my sweet love on you. Now I want to use my sweet love for you. I know you are scared to look at me. You can only see the evil that those men perpetrated against you. Would you like to see me, but not the evil things those men did to you?”

      I thought about that for a second. That was actually a hard choice, Uncle Grantley. I know that you and Momma and everyone else say Jesus is good and loves me and wants to help me and all that, but just thinking about something that good is hard for me to believe and it hurts when I try to believe it. But, I want to be rid of all this pain more than be afraid of it. So I decided to give him a shot. If you guys are right then I would stop feeling all the pain but if you were wrong, it wouldn’t matter because I already wanted to die. Adding just one more pain couldn’t make things worse. So I nodded my head.

      He said, “Okay, my sweet. Here’s what I’m going to do. I’m going to wipe your tears away. That means my thumbs are going to touch your eyes and cheeks gently. I will not hurt you. Remember, you can call Momma if needed, okay? You are safe with me.”

      He moved really slow and he was so gentle. He has all that power but he was so slow and gentle with me. I was amazed and confused. How does power do anything gentle? Then he came over and wiped my tears from my cheek and spread them on my eyes. When he touched me I felt so dirty and worthless and I shook all over the place.

      Then he and sat down, far away and said, “Would you please try opening your eyes to look at me?

      I breathed deep, opened my eyes and looked at him. The pictures of all that evil were still in front of me but now I could see him behind it all.

      He said, “Are the memories totally gone now?”

      “No,” I said, “but I can see you now.”

      “Perfect!” He replied, “Now for step two.” Then he looked at me and said sternly, “Come out now and give an account for your actions.”

      I was shocked. Why was he talking this way to me? But then this creature stepped out from my skin and said, “Please, don’t hurt me, Eternal One. I’m just following orders. What would you have me do?”

      Jesus replied, “Give an account for what you have done inside this child of mine. Then you may go and never return.”

      The creature hissed, “I leaked desire to those around her. She was the instrument to ensure every part’s slavery to sex. I completed her inability to see You so that she would never seek Your face. May I go now?”

      Jesus commanded, “You and your minions are to never return to any person inside this body. You and your minions are not to disturb their relationship with me. On the day you do that I will personally destroy you. Leave my daughters and sons and never return.”

      Then this dark creature rushed away.

      I looked Jesus in the eye. All the evil was all gone. I could see Jesus clearly. It worked! It worked!

      Jesus said to me, “Daughter, I know all of your fears. I know what those men did who caused extreme destruction in your life. But I am the Great Restorer. Unlike an earthly restorer, I can make things better than they were at first. I want to do this for you. Will you allow this? Will you let me into your skin to fix what the demon did inside you?”

      “Will it hurt?” I asked.

      “No,” he said, “it will be a seal on you so that nothing may enter you again. It will bring life and peace, not pain and fear. Will you allow me inside?”

      Uncle Grantley, you and everyone else were right. He only helps. His love is sweet and furious. Even demons cannot escape his commands. I decided to trust him, even though I was still afraid. I nodded my head and he asked me to open my mouth. So I did. He put his open hand in front of his mouth. Then he blew over his hand like he was blowing me a kiss. I couldn’t see anything but when his breath entered my mouth I could feel him enter me and there was a filling. He filled where I was empty and the pain of the hole in me left. I was complete. Uncle Grantley, I was complete. I can feel him in me and outside of me – both at the same time! I am completely surrounded by him. I don’t understand how a furious love can also be sweet. But I know it’s true because I’ve seen it and felt it. This is what I always wanted but never knew I wanted. Thank you for helping get me to this point. Thank you SO much!

    * * *

    Where to Next?

    The webpage introduced above is available, of course, but I draw your attention to milder options that you might consider reading first:

    [Much More about Dissociative Identity Disorder] [Other Topics] [Bless & Be Blessed by Facebook]
    [Daily Quotes] [E-Mail Me] [My Shame]

    Not to be sold. © Copyright, Grantley Morris, 2016. For much more by the same author, see www.net-burst.net   No part of these writings may be copied without citing this entire paragraph.

 

 

Multiple Personalities & Uncontrollable Lust



  Help for Sex-Crazed Alters



by

Grantley Morris 

 

 
 

 

 


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