Blasphemy Against the Holy SpiritKelly’s Testimony of Hope
Convinced I was guilty of blasphemy against the Holy Spirit and was doomed for hell, I stumbled upon your website a few months ago when researching the subject. I am thankful to Jesus for what he is doing through this website.
Since I was a toddler, my parents went to church at every opening of the doors, and of course brought me every time. I believed in Jesus and God’s Holy Word at a young age, but I never professed faith until I was ten years old. Even before making this profession in church and being baptized, I prayed (usually with my dad’s help) before bedtime, and he would read us the Bible almost every night.
In my teens I slowly quit praying and reading my Bible. I still went to church, but was not highly motivated to go.
At age 18, I started having serious panic attacks to the point of being unable to eat or sleep. I became so depressed that the thought of suicide was almost comforting. I lost 35 pounds in eight weeks, and had to leave college. I had to start on an anti-depressant (Paxil), which helped tremendously, but being back at home away from all of the stress helped even more. I began going to church again and rededicated my life to God, thinking that would help all of my feelings and problems. That December I started working and studying full time while living with my parents. I thought that I was “back to normal” to do whatever I pleased. I started drinking regularly on the weekends and going to parties. I was introduced to marijuana at 19 and started smoking it almost every weekend.
Eventually I married. We would occasionally go to church together, but we never were that spiritual. I was still smoking pot three or four days a week and sometimes binge drinking. Married life wasn’t easy but I loved my husband and felt so secure with him that I went off Paxil because I didn’t think I needed it. After about a year, I had a panic attack that spiraled into more panic attacks until I became severely depressed and had to go back on the Paxil. I told God I would start living for him if he would make me feel better and feel normal. Once the Paxil started helping me, I thought it was God’s way of saying, “Okay, start living for me”.
I felt like I was renewed, but still would occasionally drink and smoke pot. Then I fell pregnant with twins. I was in shock. I stopped all drinking and smoking pot and tobacco, but the doctor said I also had to stop the Paxil. I was scared to death, because I couldn’t eat and sleep without it. How was I going to be able to function and be healthy enough to nourish two other lives in me? I lasted seven weeks without Paxil until I could no longer function. My doctor allowed me to go back on it. I felt guilty and felt like I had failed my children and that I must not have much love in me to keep taking it despite that it could possibly harm them.
Throughout the pregnancy, my husband and I went to church and it helped. The pastor even counseled and prayed with me a few times due to the panic attacks and having to be on the Paxil again. My children were born five weeks early and were very sick. The doctors diagnosed them both with a serious heart condition that could require surgery. Everyone in my family and many people I didn’t know were praying for my twins and me. When they flew them by helicopter to a higher level NICU, the doctors said that they wouldn’t need surgery and that they would be fine to take home in a week or two. I know that the Lord healed them of this serious heart condition, because it was the same diagnosis that other newborns were getting from mothers who had been on Paxil during pregnancy.
The first year of my children’s life was very good and I enjoyed most of it. I still felt like something was missing, and I was still living in fear. I was going to church when I could, but didn’t pray much or read my Bible much. I was still on the Paxil. After the first year of my children’s life, I started binge drinking again and smoking pot occasionally. Then in my children’s second year of life I started having panic attacks again.
I bought a self-help program, and resolved to stop all of the mess in my life once and for all. I decided to search for the “truth”, and because of growing up in church all of those years I knew that Jesus said he was the truth. I began reading my Bible and praying regularly in conjunction with the self-help program. I stopped the Paxil, stopped drinking, and stopped smoking pot.
[Paxil, unlike alcohol and tobacco, is a medication and stopping this medication probably caused or contributed to the following. – Grantley]
I started becoming obsessed about God and how to be righteous. I became self-righteous and was reading my Bible and praying obsessively but never getting any peace from it. I eventually stopped the self-help program because I thought it was too selfish and that God could heal me himself. I was scared to death to sin or even have a bad thought because I was afraid that God would take away my salvation, if I even had salvation in the first place. I was bypassing the cross and Jesus’ sacrifice, and was trying to earn God’s approval through my thoughts and what I did.
I started having “revelations” and “visions” about God when I was reading the Bible obsessively, but at the same time, I was feeling more condemned. I was becoming self-righteous, yet still was finding no peace. I kept searching the scriptures to see if I was saved or not. I couldn’t confirm it. I eventually became so discouraged and so religiously obsessive compulsive that I couldn’t function anymore.
I was afraid to take Paxil or any other anti-depressant, thinking that I was sure to go to hell if I took it. I started having thoughts in my head that I had blasphemed the Holy Spirit and that there was no way that God could forgive me now because I had “treated Jesus as unholy” and was having obsessive uncontrollable thoughts about Jesus being evil or being the devil’s brother or other such things. One night, my husband was playing guitar and asked me to sing “Amazing Grace”. I told him, “It doesn’t apply to me”. Then I felt even more discouraged.
I even had the thought that maybe I was God or that God was going to make me a God because I was having these “revelations and visions” about the Bible. I started having thoughts that I was the Antichrist and that I was the one that John was talking about in the book of Revelation. I felt so betrayed by God, because I had tried so hard to please him but couldn’t, and I felt rejected. I hated God at this point and wanted to end my life. The thoughts and plans of suicide were so real that I knew that I needed help, or I would do it, or the devil would make me do it. The only things keeping me from suicide were the thoughts of burning in hell and my children. I told my husband I was going to kill myself. Two days later I was admitted to a behavioral unit for a week where they put me on three different meds.
Even after coming home, I was still convinced I was going to hell and that there was no hope for me. I was still very angry and confused with God, yet I kept praying for God to give me another chance. I asked him to at least let me have some joy with my kids and husband before I die and go to hell. I was going to counseling and unable to work. Eventually, I had to start work since we were unable to pay bills. I worked thirty hours a week, but was still spiritually “dead” and very unhealthy. I was scared whenever someone mentioned something about God or asked me if I were a Christian. I started having “visions” in my head of performing sexually explicit acts with people, and the more appalled and disgusted I was by these thoughts, the more I had them. I was afraid that people would know how wicked I was and that I belonged to the devil.
As the medicine started helping me to sleep and eat a little bit more, I decided to start researching blasphemy against the Holy Spirit. Although I had not yet reached your website, I found some other testimonies about people who thought that they had committed this sin. I started seeing an inkling of hope. I decided to recommence reading my Bible and maybe even try praying again.
I came to the realization, which I believe was Holy Spirit inspired, that I had been trying to save myself this whole time. I was still having obsessive thoughts and “visions” at times, but would try to ignore them and focus on Jesus Christ. I remember re-reading Jesus saying “him that cometh to me I will in no wise cast out”, and “WHOSOEVER believeth in him” shall not perish” (KJV). My hope grew.
I was still confused, though. I asked God repeatedly for forgiveness; sometimes feeling forgiven and having hope; other times feeling scared and about to be rejected by God all over again. I began seeing a Christian counselor who used scripture to help me. The more I was reading my Bible and saying out loud to God that I know that only Jesus was able to forgive me of my sins, the more I began feeling like I was in a relationship with God. I finally weaned myself off of all the medications.
[Should Kelly later need medication, this would not mean she had slipped spiritually, any more than needing hay fever medication would reflect on her spiritually. – Grantley]
I started becoming obsessed with having to love everyone. I was trying so hard to love everyone that I began feeling self-righteous whenever I thought I accomplished loving someone. Eventually, I realized that once again I was trying to earn grace – this time by loving others, not loving others as a result of his grace and love. Then I found your website. Reading those testimonies gave me even more hope in Jesus. I finally concluded that Jesus has saved me and I need to quit trying to save myself by trying to change my own heart. I now know that it is Jesus’ death, burial, and resurrection that has saved me, and that it is by the grace of God through Jesus Christ that I am saved.
I still sometimes get caught up in trying to please God by my own thoughts or trying to change my own heart. But I am able to escape the devil’s traps by my faith that Jesus Christ alone is my salvation. For a while I thought if I maintained my good perceptions of God, that I would remain in his grace. It is the Holy Spirit that has revealed to me his grace, however. It is not my own perceptions of the Word that saves me. I realize now that it is the Holy Spirit who renews one’s mind, and not oneself. Instead of purifying my own mind, I rely on the Holy Spirit through Jesus Christ to lead me to be renewed.
I still struggle some days with old guilt and OCD thoughts – most recently sexual OCD thoughts – but Jesus has given me life, and no one can pluck me from his hand, not even the devil. Jesus won the war for me, but he is helping me with the battles I face everyday.
Your pages about demonic oppression really opened my eyes to what was going on with me. I was demonically oppressed to the point that I was so blinded from the reality of God’s grace through Jesus, that I was convinced I had blasphemed the Holy Spirit. I know now that Christ is my salvation and that I have been saved. I no longer worry about blasphemy against the Holy Spirit, thanks to the Holy Spirit working through your website.
I still have doubts at times that make me question myself, “Are you truly saved by his grace? You’re not depending on yourself for your salvation, are you?” But instead of dwelling on fruitless self-examination I visit your website every chance I get to gain more insight, because I truly believe that this is a Bible based, Jesus based website. I pray that more people will be reached by your website.
This is Not Enough
and all the pages the above links leads to.
“Twice I said, ‘I blaspheme the Holy Spirit’ ” To Skip Testimonies: When a Christian Commits Gross Sin  Not to be sold. © Copyright, 2009, Grantley Morris. Not to be copied in whole or in part without citing this entire paragraph. Many more compassionate, inspiring, sometimes hilarious writings by Grantley Morris available free at the following internet site www.net-burst.net Freely you have received, freely give. I suggest you follow the above link but if you want a change of pace, the following is here for you.
The Beginning The only way to not miss any of this feast of uplifting webpages about false guilt is to start at Feeling Condemned? There’s Hope! and follow each link. You won’t regret it! Feeling Rejected by God An important part of this series of webpages Unforgivable? The part of the series that deals with the unforgivable sin Testimonies They thought they were unforgivable Scriptures Some of the vast number of Scriptures proving that you can be forgiven How Much Does God Love Me? Have Your Very Own Revelation of God’s Love A separate, very important series Demons The beginning of a series of webpages Dealing with Depression and Discouragement God & Suffering Coping with fears that God might be harsh and unloving Becoming a Winner Breaking addictions and besetting sins Encouragement When You Feel Defeated Index to Entire Site A treasure trove of stimulating, compassionate, often humorous, webpages for Christians by the same author on a vast number of topics. This website is enormous! [Much More!] [Daily Quotes] [My Shame] |