My Battle with Condemning Thoughts & Dreams

There’s Hope!

    About this page:

    Ken, as we shall call him, has been used of God in youth ministry, despite being haunted by uncontrollable thoughts praising Satan, by terrifying dreams saying he was dammed, and blasphemous thoughts about the Holy Spirit. “It was as if a demon were sitting on my head, accusing me of every evil in the world 24/7!” he writes, “ . . .  I was often depressed and often doubting my salvation.”

    Ken shares his experiences in the hope that it might encourage others who battle condemning thoughts and dreams.

    Grantley Morris
    Founder of and ghostwriter of this webpage

    The Testimony

    I have been so touched and blessed by the help and testimonies on the Net-Burst.Net Website. I can’t tell you how healing it is to know that I’m not alone, and that there is victory over these oppressive things some of us believers suffer in the mind!

    My first experience as a believer was as a child picking up the Bible with a sense of wonder, thinking to myself, “Wow! This is the word of God!” I believe this was a special moment for God, as well for me, to see little me, perhaps six or eight years believing in such a pure way. Around that time I had two powerful dreams featuring Jesus.

    In the first dream, I saw very vividly Jesus on the cross, paying for my sins. I woke up crying! I cried for a long time over what he went through, though I don’t think at the time I fully understood it. It was very powerful.

    The second dream came soon after. This time I remember Jesus showing me the whole world covered with fire! He said to me, “I’m holding this back for you!” Wow! I don’t imagine he meant just me, but as I recall this dream now I wonder how much longer he will hold it back, and am I ready?

    As I grew older I drifted away from God. I read from the New Testament and made little prayers, but that was the whole sum of my walk with God for a long time. Still, I remember being touched by Solomon’s prayer for wisdom. I made the same prayer. I also offered many other prayers, about not growing proud, about God making me truly grateful for salvation, that he would get me through the narrow door no matter what it cost me, that I would never marry the wrong woman, and a few other prayers I can barely remember. To be honest, I see the Lord truly has answered all the prayers that could be fulfilled so far, which is amazing in itself!

    In my teenage years I grew farther and farther away from my faith until I was even exploring some very New Age ideas and astrology and the like. God hadn’t finished with me, though. In the most unlikely of places I met a Christian who was very heavily into Bible prophecy. He truly inspired me; waking me up to the fact we are in the last days. I was soon praying to God for forgiveness, asking for salvation, but at the same time I wasn’t really repenting of some sins. Still, I believe God was again working with me. I was praying and seeking him again.

    Not long after this, I attended a big church meeting. I was very impressed by their dedication to God and I soon joined. I lived in a Christian community; even gladly giving up all my wages.

    I often witnessed on the streets with them. Once we came against Satanists. They were spitting at some of the brothers. Even people praying for us had a brick thrown through their window while they prayed! The day we first left on this witnessing trip a man shouted praise to Satan and threatened to cut throats! It was at this time that I sat with a stranger to share the gospel with him but, instead, he severely messed with my mind. He acted like he knew me. I asked if he knew something about me. He said it [whatever the mysterious thing he seemed to know about me was] would destroy me. This shook me to the core! I had no idea who he was. He asked me why I was with this church and implied it was because I like feeling loved. The man was completely cold and he walked away, saying little after he saw he had shaken me up. With just a few words he left me in tears, shaking and full of fear! He didn’t as much as know my name, and yet it all worked together to break me. I have forgiven him but I believe something very nasty and demonic occurred in our conversation.

    Soon afterward, against my own will, I started having thoughts praising Satan in my head! It was shocking and horrible but I simply could not stop them coming. I just carried on and ignored them. To be honest, I wasn’t too bothered, as I knew I truly disagreed with those silly thoughts. I also knew God knew that, too.

    My libido and immaturity threw a wrench in the works. I was extremely sexually frustrated and desperate for a girlfriend. I got in an argument with the house leader over who, and when, I should date, and I lost my patience. I left, asking for time out to think.

    After leaving this church, I was very vulnerable. I was still dealing with these thoughts, still freaked about the strange guy, and still very sexually frustrated. The night I returned home to my parents after leaving the community, I was really relishing the thought of venting all my frustration through masturbation, but I wanted to do it without sin, so I did it while looking at drawings of girls instead of photos. “This could not possibly be sin,” I told myself, “as the girls are not real. How could I fornicate or commit adultery with a drawing?” At the same time I believe God was trying to show me it was wrong, but I wasn’t sure it was God. As I already had voices in my head praising Satan, why should I listen to any voice in my head?

    That night I had a terrifying dream in which a black man said to me, “I have damned you to hell.” I woke up in sheer terror, but as I did, I saw like a kaleidoscope of numbers. It was like something from the movie The Matrix, only with many colors. It was very . . . digital. It was more like someone had put a computer in my head than a normal dream. That aside, I was in sheer panic! Who was this man? Was it God? He never said who he was or anything other than judgment. I prayed and prayed, trembling in fear, begging for mercy, asking for another chance, not sure whether this man was from God or the enemy.

    What was with all the digital stuff? If it was God, why didn’t he say so? The guy in the dream seemed just plain weird to me, but very scary.

    For the next few months, I woke everyday full of fear and saying repeatedly to God and to myself, “Heaven or hell?” It was unbearable. I was a broken man, but I got on with life. I preached the gospel to all I met. I asked God to give me a dream to nullify the last one, or I would lose my mind.

    I joined a church. I was still sinning often with porn, but I was just as often grieved by my sin and desperately seeking a wife so I wouldn’t need to burn with passion and sin anymore.

    One special day, I had my next dream. In this dream, I walked into an empty bar, and God was sitting there. He looked like Morgan Freeman from the movie Bruce Almighty, but I just had this knowing it was God. I walked over and sat next to him. He said to me, “What are you worried about?” I replied, “I’m scared I’m going to hell.” He then picked up some papers next to him. I knew somehow this was my life written down. He held them and looked at me. “You have nothing to worry about.” he said. With that I woke up full of joy! That very same morning I found out my girlfriend was cheating on me with my friend. I didn’t care. I forgave both of them instantly! I was just so relieved to have had that dream!

    Not long after this, I went on a Christian camp, where I had a half waking vision of men with upside down silver crosses doing some ritual. I wondered if I were some sort of target.

    Over the next few years I got on with serving God. My bad thoughts grew worse again, but this time they changed. As I was riding my bike, a terrible thought about the Holy Spirit came into my mind against my will. I was shocked, but again I realized it wasn’t my heart. I love God and his Spirit of love, joy and peace! I tried to ignore the thought, but it kept returning. Of course, I wrestled with fears about blaspheming God’s Spirit, but I knew the thoughts were very much against my heart, so I just kept telling God that the thoughts are not my heart, and that I hate them. I knew God knew I was being honest with him.

    While all this was going on, I started a youth group with a friend at my church. We did well and had many young people come in over the years. I also had some amazing answers to prayer, including my wonderful fiancée! But before she came along, the enemy had a go with a married woman. I was so close to going with her but my faith in God, though a bit weak in some areas, stopped me sleeping with her. God was still there for me. He made a way out, provided me a great apartment, job and fiancée all around the same time! I praise him always for his faithfulness with these things!

    More recently, things have been more intense. Last year, I redoubled my effort to draw near to God, praying he would make me clean. I made some special fasts and really started to deal with my besetting sins, especially pornography and worldly things that really had no part in my life. As I did this, however, my horrible thoughts grew worse and worse. It was as if a demon were sitting on my head, accusing me of every evil in the world 24/7!

    I read a very spiritual testimony about a girl who had been shown heaven and hell. It changed me forever, as there were some excellent warnings about sins I had been ignoring and not dealing with. As I was reading this testimony, I saw two bright flashes at the end of my bed! I wasn’t alarmed for some reason. I felt that a spiritual battle was going on around me. And the battle became intense.

    One morning, I awoke seeing strange digital images again – like it was fake – and a voice saying in my head, “You will never be saved.” I found myself repeatedly crying out to God, because almost every hour of every day I was having thoughts of hopelessness. Some being was telling me such things as, “It’s too late,” or “No hope” – anything to dishearten me. And it worked. I was often depressed and often doubting my salvation. I fought against the voices, sometimes in victory and sometimes in defeat, leaving me in tears and feeling lost.

    One morning, I awoke with the usual horrible thoughts. When I get these thoughts I normally cry out to God. This time, I fell back to sleep after not bothering to fight but almost accepting the condemnation. Then I had a dream seeing lots of people in white sitting on benches in a park. I was there, too. Jesus was silently walking past all these people. As he walked past me, he spoke to me, but not with his mouth. Instead, I received a concept in my mind, fully formed. He said, “You have a sword and a shield. Use them”. He also said to me, “Don’t think in terms of where you are going in the future. Instead, think, ‘Am I pleasing God in what I’m doing now?’ ” This was so helpful! Just as I was giving up, he told me to fight. He showed me my worry was useless. I’ve never had such good advice.

    Well, that about brings me to where I am today. The battle never stops. Every day – almost every hour of every waking moment – condemning thoughts come to me, telling me such things as there’s no escape or I am going to hell. Sometimes the thought comes, “It is the devil. He is lying.”

    You might imagine that latter thought would help. It does a bit, but the condemning thoughts just don’t stop. I have prayed for deliverance many times, but there has been no let up. I guess it is my cross to bear. I remember the apostle’s thorn in the side: God’s power is perfected in weakness.

    Despite the horror and nastiness of this battle, however, it truly has helped me grow in some important ways. It has accelerated my dealing with my sins, too. I’m quite ruthless now in getting rid of any cause of sin. In the past, I had tried to reason my way out of it. I don’t believe God has ever given up on me, even though sometimes it does feel like it.

    As a side note, I’m now fairly sure that I have Religious OCD. I’m currently trying, with some degree of success, the inositol remedy mentioned elsewhere on this website (Natural Cures for Anxiety-Related Illnesses). I was always a heavy coffee drinker and apparently too much caffeine can kill inositol, which seems to be an important factor in mental stability. I’m also more often victorious now, knowing that God is both able and willing to forgive me if I repent (1 John 1:9) and that he will never leave me or nor forsake me (Hebrews 13:5).

    I would like to say to anybody going through similar stuff, never ever give up! Endurance is so important if we are to be overcomers. And God is good! I would also like to ask anybody who reads this to say a little prayer for me that I will be strong in my battles. God bless you all!

    You Need More:
    If you want a rest from reading, now is a good time. If you worry that you are in spiritual danger, however, you will need to return to these webpages whenever you can and read more. Record the web address of the next webpage before leaving.

    Next: God Can Turn Any Bad Situation Into Something Good!
    Religious Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (O.C.D.) Testimony

    Not to be sold. © Copyright, 2012, Grantley Morris. Not to be copied in whole or in part without citing this entire paragraph. Many more compassionate, inspiring, sometimes hilarious writings by Grantley Morris available free at the following internet site Freely you have received, freely give.

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