How Holy Wives Express Marital Love

Smashing Inhibitions and Misconceptions

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If you have suffered sexual abuse, I suggest you start with
The Abuse Survivor’s Ultimate Revenge: Reclaiming your Sexuality

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      The more godly the wife, the more staggering the gulf between her moments of intimacy with her husband and her behavior in any other context. What she would gladly do when alone with her beloved would horrify her in the presence of any other person. Such an immense discrepancy can be unsettling. A wife can almost feel as if two different people dwell inside her. What it really means, however, is that she is a princess of God, captivated by the holiness of marriage. She is a devoted wife who delights in the divine blessing that rests on marriage. She honors the wonder, the uniqueness, and the exclusiveness of the marriage bond.

      For health reasons, children are usually lovingly trained to be revolted by the thought of drinking from someone else’s cup. Consider how far removed this is from enjoying tongue-kissing. This is but a minor demonstration of how, in our most impressionable years, we are usually taught that certain things are physically dirty or crude or sinful, only to grow up and suddenly find all the rules changed when alone with our marriage partner. It is inevitable that a normal person brings to the marriage bed deeply entrenched reservations. These reservations, although perfect for every other situation, are completely inappropriate when a godly wife is alone with her life-partner.

      Of course, a primary goal of a woman’s childhood training is to protect her physical and moral assets, enabling her to maximize the value of her special gift to the man of her dreams. What a tragedy if this got twisted and ended up causing her to rob the very man that the precious gift had been reserved for. What if her inhibitions actually caused her to be devalued as a wife, when in reality she has so much to offer?

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      A Tender Conscience

      Inhibitions that are merely an inappropriate carry-over from one’s tender years are not from God and yet they will inevitably feel like one’s conscience speaking. Simon Peter would have felt similarly when challenged by God to eat food that he had been brought up to regard as unclean (Acts 10:10-16). Scripture says there are times when our hearts wrongly condemn us, but it adds that God is greater than our consciences (1 John 3:19-20).

      It is worth prayerful consideration whether behind a failure to fully enjoy marital lovemaking is the half-buried feeling that you should punish yourself for some past sin. The enemy of our souls will seize even half an opportunity to try to con us into imagining we should punish ourselves for real or imaginary sins. The Accuser delights in this evil trick because he knows how much it insults the Son of God, who suffered so horrifically on a cross for our every sin. An attempt on our part to punish ourselves could render Jesus’ suffering an utter waste as far as we are concerned.

      We instinctively know that sin must be punished. Yet no matter how much we punish ourselves, we will still be burdened with guilt. Only Jesus suffered so completely for our sins as to consume our every trace of guilt, enabling us to break through to innocence and purity. Once we realize the necessity and breadth of what Christ has done for us, it becomes clear how dishonoring to Christ it is to sub-consciously punish ourselves. In this context, to thoroughly enjoy marital sex is to celebrate God’s goodness and to honor the magnitude of what Christ achieved by bearing our punishment. A link at the end of this webpage will help you with this vital issue.

      To incite lust is a sin. To incite marital passion is a virtue. What makes conceiving a child godly or ungodly is simply whether it is done in love and within marriage. In this case, the sole determiner of morality is the context. It has nothing to do with the nature of the act.

      It is not unusual for a godly wife to feel she is acting like a harlot if she were to do certain things for her husband. In direct contrast to harlots, however, she would actually be acting like a devout wife, displaying a side of her that is reserved exclusively for the life-partner God has entrusted to her. She is bonding with her husband by sharing exciting secrets that only the two of them could ever guess. Of course what makes harlots grossly immoral is that they have what should be marital relations with almost any man. Driven by money, they take pains to find out what men like and then give it to them. They put aside their own pleasure and focus on pleasing a man. How tragic it would be if, for the love of money, godless harlots are willing to do more to please strangers (including your husband, if they could connive it) than you would do for the love of the man you are committed to for life.

      It is not easy to shake free from inhibitions created in one’s tender years, nor to span the gulf between what is perfect in marriage and what one should rigorously avoid in any other situation. I suspect for their entire married lives most wives lug into their bedroom emotional baggage that should have been left outside the door. It will take more than mere reading for you to be freed from these deep-seated feelings. It is a matter worthy of concerted prayer.

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      Sexual Torment

      For a man to marry is for a strong, independent person to relinquish his ability to defend himself and hand someone the power to sexually torture him. If you fail to understand your husband’s sexual cravings, or refuse to love him enough to satisfy his gnawing sexual hunger, you might as well regularly chain him and sear his flesh with a branding iron. Tragically, some women so misunderstand the situation as to wrongly suppose they are assuming the higher moral ground by acting with such callous cruelty that they refuse to meet their husband’s sexual yearnings.

      My heart goes out to every woman who suffers sexual problems. These dear people are usually blameless and deserve boundless love, compassion, gentleness and patience. Such a wife, however, should at least convey to the man she is tormenting how deeply she regrets what her problems are doing to him.

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      Introducing change

      If you decide to change an aspect of your lovemaking, both you and your husband are likely to feel more comfortable if you first carefully explain to your husband your intention and motives. You might not want to give so many details as to spoil your exciting surprise, but neither do you want your husband shocked or wrongly guessing the reasons for your new behavior. Explain to him that from now on you will be trying some new ways to express your devotion to him. Assure him you have not suddenly turned into another woman; it’s just that you are trying harder than ever to release the love locked inside of you. Tell him you assume that worldly women are skilled at pleasing men and that you greatly admire him for not yielding to them. Affirm that he deserves every bit of pleasure they could ever give, plus the unique joys of the exclusivity of marriage, so you are determined to do all you can to give him anything others could offer, plus God’s priceless blessing. Ask for his patience and understanding if your guesses as to what excites him are not always correct, and affirm to him that you long for his feedback to perfect your attempts.

      As carefully explained in Is it Perverted? it is essential that by talking together you fully explore your husband’s understanding of what, if any, type of marital lovemaking he feels God would disapprove of. If a person believes something is sin, then no matter how innocent it may be, it is sin for that person. The spiritual stakes are too high to rely on guesswork, such as merely assuming your husband’s views have not changed since he last mentioned the matter years ago.

      It’s easy to misunderstand a husband’s likes and dislikes. For instance, Mary noted her husband complaining about a woman for “dressing like a slut” by wearing black stockings. For years Mary avoided black stockings, not realizing that John loved black stockings so much that he was objecting to anyone wearing them outside the intimacy of marriage. John was thrilled when Mary finally understood. And Mary discovered that dressing sexily in private moments with John added to her own excitement by making her feel more desirable.

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      Naked and not ashamed?

      Do you feel uncomfortable about your husband seeing you unclothed? To wish you could hide your body from the eyes of the person you are one flesh with is usually a needless tragedy. It is almost inevitable that in the course of a normal marriage a wife would at times think her husband is giving negative vibes about her appearance. These instances, however, need to be evaluated in the cool light of reason. It is human nature to take to heart one negative comment from a husband and ignore ten positive ones. It would be a great shame to let this natural tendency toward over-sensitivity lead you to misunderstand how your husband views your body. Don’t permit such a mistake to ruin what should be a beautiful aspect of the heart of your marriage.

      There are many surprising reasons for not taking too much notice of negatives. For instance, a husband could delight in one aspect of his wife’s figure, only to find unexpected delights as his wife’s appearance changes. If you have gained weight, know that not even the average man, much less your husband, has fallen for fashion’s current infatuation with anorexia. Maybe you’ve noticed your husband eyeing other women. Many women don’t realize that when a man does this he is yielding to his desire for variety. It is not the slightest reflection on his wife’s appearance. How long would flesh magazine stay in business if they used only one model? Believe me: if, like most men, he has this weakness he would do it if you were the most stunning woman alive. Moreover, a link on this webpage will introduce strategies for counteracting this male tendency.

      It’s hard for the average woman to imagine how beautiful and exciting she is in her husband’s eyes, especially when he is aroused. When locked up with your husband, throw out the window your own critical view of your body. Honor your husband and thrill yourself by focusing on his enjoyment of you. It wouldn’t matter how plain you might be in the eyes of most people, if your husband finds you sexy, that’s all that matters when you are together. At such times, there is every reason for you to consider yourself the sexiest woman alive, because, especially when your husband is aroused, that’s how he sees you. Beauty really is in the eye of the beholder, so abandon yourself to sheer delight in the fact that when there is just you and your man, you are exquisitely beautiful. Once a woman learns to do this, it not only thrills her husband, it is one of the most deeply moving and beautifully healing experiences a woman can ever have.

      Let’s examine an extreme situation. Suppose you had a mastectomy. You would both have had enough trauma over this without adding to it by withdrawing from your husband. Don’t you think you shrinking from him would cause him to resent the mastectomy more than the mere loss of your breast? I realize it would be enormously difficult for you to keep your mind off it, but if you could manage not to let the operation affect your lovemaking too much, you would minimize the loss in your husband’s eyes. You’d soon have him so distracted that he’d barely be aware of your operation. This, in turn, would help make you feel better.

      Within the sanctity of marriage, you can return to the paradisaical innocence of Adam and Eve who were “naked ... and ... not ashamed (Genesis 2:25).”

      A highly conservative friend of mine saw in her mind’s eye an unclothed baby girl lying on her back. Next to her was a beautiful pink rosebud. God tenderly kissed the baby. My friend felt God was saying by this symbolism that a particular woman’s genitals were as beautiful and perfect as a rosebud.

      Remarkably, completely unknown to my friend, the Lord had already given the woman an identical vision. So when my friend mustered the courage to share this with the woman, it proved to be powerful confirmation.

      It is sadly common for women to feel uncomfortable about their genitals, especially because adult genitals are naturally not as tight and neat as a baby’s. In this woman’s case, the need for God to speak so dramatically about this matter was especially great because she has suffered sexual abuse from before the age of four, and the abuser’s excuse for his molestation was his claim that her genitals were imperfect and that she needed him to “fix” them.

      In contrast to what she had always believed, God saw this molested woman’s genitals as exquisitely beautiful and perfect. You are no exception. As the Lord told Peter not to treat as unclean what he has declared to be clean (Acts 10:13-15), please do not denigrate or feel ashamed of what God created and has pronounced “good” (Genesis 1:27,31).

      Negative feelings about yourself are not of God. Just as you would refuse to accept negative thoughts about God’s son (Jesus), refuse to accept negative thoughts about God’s daughter (you). Don’t try to wriggle out of this by imagining that you are second rate, relative to the Eternal Son of God. If you are in spiritual union with him, you are joint-heirs with the Eternal Son (Romans 8:17). He is manifest in your body (2 Corinthians 4:10-11). He calls you his sister (Hebrews 2:11). You are already seated with him in heavenly places (Ephesians 2:6). The love that Father God has for his exalted Son is in you (John 17:26). In this world you are like him (1 John 4:17).

      In public, your body is meant to be covered up, not like a guilty secret or blemish, but like an exquisite, gift-wrapped present reserved for the exclusive admiration of the man of your dreams. Your most glamorous clothes are but rags concealing a priceless treasure. To remove your clothes in the presence of your husband is the unveiling of God’s breathtaking masterpiece. The fact that many women do not feel this way about their bodies is no more surprising than that vast numbers of Christians feel guilty and ashamed, even though through Christ they are pure, holy and perfect in God’s eyes (e.g. 1 Corinthians 1:30; 2 Corinthians 5:21; Philippians 3:9). In both cases, it is nothing but a cruel delusion, a trick of the devil, that we must not let dominate our thinking. We must do all we can to push through powerfully deceptive feelings to live in the truth that will set us free.

      I am convinced on the basis of Scripture, that God commands the man you marry to find your unveiled body – the real you – so attractive and desirable that the very sight of it makes him drunk with pleasure.

        . . . rejoice in the wife of your youth.
        . . . Let her breasts satisfy you at all times;
        be exhilarated always with her love. (Proverbs 5:18-19, NASB)

      The word here translated exhilarated means to be intoxicated or be driven by passion to the point of foolishness. The word satisfy refers to having taken one’s fill of pleasure, so that the man has not a hint of desire for anything else. This is God’s command to the man he gives you.

      I expound on the implications of this significant Scripture in a link below titled Putting Holy Fire In Your Marriage. If you have not already read it, start at the top of that page. For the moment, however, let’s note that the biblical onus is not on you to be pretty. The onus is completely on your husband to focus on you so exclusively through eyes of love that you are ravishingly, captivatingly beautiful to him. You have only two obligations:

        * To delight in the fact that the very sight of you thrills him

        * To train yourself to likewise find his body highly desirable.

      Yes, you may well have to train yourself. If it were always automatic, Scripture would not have to tell us to do this. Nevertheless, the fact that it tells us shows that God wants it. And anything the Almighty wants, he is more than capable of bringing about. All he yearns for is our cooperation, as he does when he asks us to take by faith the fact that Christ has cleansed us, no matter how dirty our spiritual enemy, the deceiver, tries to make us feel.

      So if, for example, you are tempted to regard your man as too hairy, resist that temptation – steadfastly reject the thought – and train yourself to love that hair, delighting in it as much as a starry-eyed mother has ever delighted in her new born babe that some coldly objective people might not regard as beautiful. God longs for you to cooperate with him in finding every part of your husband beautiful; doing it as an expression of your love for God and for the man he has gifted to you.

      A mother gave birth to a baby who was thinner than most babies. At first she was taken aback. She so loved the baby God had given her, however, that she soon found herself regarding her baby as perfect and other babies as unnaturally fat. Her next baby was quite plump. She then found herself thinking of other mother’s babies as too skinny to be beautiful. It was love that made all the difference. Love is blind to imperfections. Love intoxicates. It drives a person to find beauty in the object of one’s love. And God commands your husband to love you. Let him.

      A Christian woman shares a secret:

        I began to develop breasts long before other girls in my school class. And I hated it. As if growing up were my fault, my mother kept calling me a slut because of my developing figure. And I had so wanted to be a good girl. Over and over my mother kept angrily warning me that breasts make a person the object of unwanted male attention. I so hated my body that rather than dare look at it when undressing, I would close my eyes.

        When I was in my teens, God meant so much to me that it was usual for me to spend many hours a night in prayer. When I was fifteen, after one such session of several hours with God, I went to the bathroom and a voice within me that seemed to be God, told me to take off my clothes. I rebuked the voice and spent several minutes commanding demons to leave in Jesus’ name. But the presence remained. “Why are you still here?” I angrily demanded.

        “You rightly tell demons to leave, but I am no demon,” came the reply. “I am your God. Please take off your clothes.”

        I withdrew to a corner and with not just great reluctance but such fear that I was literally trembling, I slowly removed some of my clothes. “You are beautiful,” God said. It took something like three hours of coaxing and God pronouncing that I was beautiful before I was finally completely naked and looking in a mirror. I had been so effective in shunning my body for so many years that I was astounded to discover that I had pubic hair.

        The next time God asked me to take off my clothes, it was easier. I guess it only took me about two and a half hours that time! The Lord kept it up until now, even though in public I am extremely modest, I have such freedom that I frequently strip off and lie naked in the privacy of my bedroom. It isn’t sexual to me, nor to God, who assured me years ago that he, the creator of sex, was himself asexual. But it is very comfortable. In fact, I often pray naked. I can understand how some people might think that disrespectful to my Lord, but the God before whom all things are naked and exposed (Hebrews 4:13) has assured me that he is quite happy with it and loves me feeling comfortable about my naked body. It is only when I am not alone that I honor him by dressing modestly.

        I am not yet married but I know that God has taught me how natural and beautiful it is to share my God-given body with the man he gives me. I will delight in showing him everything.

      Negative attitudes toward yourself – especially anything about your body that makes you cringe or feel shame when alone with your husband – are devilish attacks not just on yourself but on your marriage. Yes, the battle can be intense at times, but the thrilling news is that you do not have to surrender to these unpleasant feelings, much less agree with them. Through his sacrifice, Christ has made you an overcomer. So whenever these attacks occur, join your Creator and Savoir in rebuking and resisting negative thoughts and feelings about yourself. Take God’s hand and honor him by resolving to enjoy the body and the husband he has graciously given you.

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      For Simon the Pharisee, washing Jesus’ feet was a chore beneath his dignity. For the woman he despised, this same task was a wondrous privilege (Luke 7:36-47). For John the Baptist it was an honor so immense it seemed unattainable (Mark 1:7). What made the difference? Love.

      To get on my knees at the command of a gun-toting stranger would be humiliating. To get on my knees to pick up something that had rolled under the bed would just be practical. I’d do it almost without thinking. To get on my knees in the intimacy of marriage to joyously express my love by kissing my darling’s feet, however, would be a delight. What changes a humiliating act into a joyous expression of intimacy? Love.

      As darkness ceases to exist in the presence of light, so humiliation vanishes in the presence of love.

      Had, for example, I suffered a traumatic experience involving being forced to kiss something repulsive, the memory might diminish my delight in kissing the love of my life. The problem, however, would be my past, not the act, and part of the solution would be to stir up within me love for my partner and let that love propel me forward. It might be difficult at first. I might have to move toward it very gradually over several months, but if I knew it delighted my partner, I could eventually reach the point where I not only did it but delighted in giving my loved one pleasure this way. Of course, this principle applies to many aspects of expressing love.

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      God is on the side of devout wives who long to be freed from childish inhibitions and released from a tendency to lug into the bedroom a concept of holiness that in perfect for every situation except the marriage bed.

      I have ended the webpage here because this might be all you can handle at present. Perhaps you find this so challenging or potentially scary that you need to stop here and prayerfully bring this webpage before God and perhaps wait for days or weeks until you feel comfortable about it. When you feel ready, there is another webpage I suggest you pray about whether the Lord would have you read. It is called How to Thrill Your Husband. It gives a few suggestions as to things your husband might like. There is no pressure, they are simply things you might consider thinking about it, if and when you feel up to it.

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Related Webpages

The Abuse Survivor’s Ultimate Revenge: Reclaiming your Sexuality

Handling Guilt

How to Thrill Your Husband

Is it Perverted?

How Carol Saved her Doomed Marriage

Romantic fiction: The Hidden Enemy

Return to: Putting Holy Fire In Your Marriage

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