Why the Life of the Party
Clams up at Home

Many women are bewildered – and even feel hurt – over how their husbands can be the life of the party when socializing and yet when these same men come home all their talkativeness drains out of them.

A basic part of our humanity that sets us apart from machines is that our mood and speech dramatically change according to who we are with. This is so powerful that it overrides our conscious ability to control the way we act and speak. To realize how radically our verbal behavior can change, picture yourself communicating with:

* someone on his deathbed

* a friend on cloud nine over having recently fallen in love

* a child being continually naughty

* a cute, happy baby

* a baby who won’t stop crying

* a criminal threatening you with a knife

* a head of state

* a beggar

* a friendly pup

* a snarling guard dog

To the eyes of an observer, our personality instantly changes according to who we are with. The effect is so overwhelming that even if we forced ourselves, we could not stop our speech patterns from altering according to the situation we find ourselves in.

I believe a common reason for some men being talkative in some social settings but monosyllabic at home is because being in a situation where it seems likely that people will think you witty and intelligent and hang on to your every word, creates a natural chemical high that temporarily increases one’s verbal fluency. Just as stage fright significantly lowers one’s ability to speak, so there are other situations that temporarily boost a person’s ability to speak.

We know that with a rush of adrenalin a person temporarily gains new powers – heightened alertness, quickened responses, increased strength. We also know that the artificial chemical high of alcohol can ‘loosen one’s tongue.’ So it seems a good guess that just as some social situations can lower one’s ability to speak, so certain situations can – depending on the individual – release chemicals into the brain that heighten one’s ability to speak. These, however, are only short-lived states of mind. They cannot forever override one’s natural ability.

So there are limits as to the long term miracles a person can perform in making a loved one talkative. Nevertheless, there are some things that a partner can do. Just as being with people who regard one as being witty and intelligent can boost one’s talkativeness, being with a partner who groans at one’s jokes and does not hang on to one’s every word, dampens one’s talkativeness.

Suppose you are coming home, feeling very romantic and wanting to tell your partner how much you love him/her. You find your partner alone and immediately launch into what you intend to be a stream of sweet nothings. ‘Darling . . .’ you commence.

‘What now!’ angrily snaps your partner.

Wouldn’t that stream of romantic words suddenly dry up? One’s perception of a person’s receptivity to what one says, dramatically affects one’s talkativeness.

Many a wife has found that she cannot suddenly wrench herself into the mood for physical lovemaking with a husband who at other times has been treating her coldly. Likewise, a man cannot suddenly become relaxed and talkative with a wife who at other times has not treated him as witty and exciting to listen to.

It is obvious that just as a man cannot continually be on a talkative high, so a wife cannot maintain the intensity of attentiveness to her husband’s every word to the same degree that people can who only occasionally hear this man speak. You can raise your husband’s talkativeness, but both of you have limits as to how far you can take this.