Note for Women

Just as I don’t want wives reading my webpage for husbands, it is healthier for me to address my own gender, since each of us should be focused on our own responsibilities, not on those of our partner. All of us need to ignore the speck in the other’s eye and concentrate on the log in our own.

Moreover, I suspect I’d be wasting my time writing a page for wives because those who most need it would probably reject it simply because I’m male. Those who would easily accept it are probably already living it and so have no need for it, but those who need it most are hurting too much to receive it – especially from a man. I have great empathy for women who rage against what I would be forced to say because at some time in their lives they were treated despicably by a man – and quite likely one who slandered God by claiming divine authority for his ungodly behavior.

On the other hand, there are vast numbers who need a webpage detailing the responsibilities of wives simply because much of it would be a new concept to them and/or, like so many men, they have never ever seen an adequate Christian role model.

Over the years I have received quite a few e-mails accusing me of being anti-men. Regardless of any bias I might have, however, no gender has a monopoly on callously and selfishly trying to get one’s own way. The God of love opposes selfishness and abuse of power, irrespective of which gender initiates it.

No matter how much some people have wrongly given the impression that God favors one gender over the other, the cold truth is that God is rigorously fair. This might not be obvious in the short term, just as in the short term it might seem that God favors the rich and powerful, simply because for a while they get away with behavior that infuriates him.

There are many exceptions, but women tend to be less hung-up about admitting that they are deeply hurting. God’s eyes, however, penetrate every tough exterior. Regardless of their gender, the heart of God breaks for all who are hurting and/or oppressed. He is appalled when women suffer at the hands of men and yet he is also concerned if some of these dear women let their bitterness against men flare to such extremes that they mistreat even men close to them who have done no wrong.

The Lord mercifully gives all of us plenty of leeway in the hope that we come to our senses and see the gravity of our error and repent before the axe of his judgment falls. Nevertheless, the time for the execution of divine justice will come.

Roles might differ but don’t imagine that the God who expects a husband to sacrifice everything for his wife is not equally exacting in what he expects a wife to do for her husband. Regardless of how his partner treats him, a husband should lay down his life for his wife, and a wife should be equally self-sacrificing even toward an ungrateful husband. The joy and fulfillment we receive is in proportion to what we give.

To be critical, judgmental, moody, self-centered, controlling, manipulative or lazy is to be unsuited for any relationship. Neither gender should use one’s tongue as a weapon, nor resort to bribes or pouting or the silent treatment or the withholding of sex or other favors to try to inflict one’s selfish ways on one’s partner. “In everything, do to others what you would have them do to you,” (Matthew 7:12). A wife who wants to be treated as a princess, must treat her husband as a king. She should seek to be a giver, not a taker. She should strive in every way to build up her husband’s self-esteem. She should continually encourage her husband, please her husband and do all she can to satisfy him. No matter how many times she has heard them before, she should laugh at her husband’s jokes, and develop an interest in whatever interests her husband.

Love believes all things, says the famous love chapter (1 Corinthians 13:7). In other words, love chooses to believe the best of a person. So we should go out of our way to be proud of our partners; boasting to everyone about their achievements, abilities and good qualities. We should be fiercely loyal to them behind their backs; never criticizing them to other people and doing our best not to criticize them to their face.

Since God is infinity superior in morality and intelligence; it would be ridiculous to expect his revelation to make immediate sense to us. What would be the point of a Bible that tells us only things we could deduce without divine revelation? The more we open ourselves up to God and his ways by obeying him, the more loving wisdom we will discover in his directives but to limit our obedience only to things that immediately appeal to our way of thinking would be to reject God and set ourselves up as God.

If you object that God’s directives for married people do not make sense, the following are just a few examples of equally problematical Scriptures:

Luke 6:27-30 Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you. If someone strikes you on one cheek, turn to him the other also. If someone takes your cloak, do not stop him from taking your tunic. Give to everyone who asks you, and if anyone takes what belongs to you, do not demand it back.

Luke 9: 23-24  . . . If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me. For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will save it.

Luke 18:14 For everyone who exalts himself will be humbled, and he who humbles himself will be exalted

Luke 6:20-36  . . . Blessed are you who are poor, for yours is the kingdom of God. Blessed are you who hunger now, for you will be satisfied. Blessed are you who weep now, for you will laugh. Blessed are you when men hate you, when they exclude you and insult you and reject your name as evil, because of the Son of Man. . . . But woe to you who are rich, for you have already received your comfort. Woe to you who are well fed now, for you will go hungry. Woe to you who laugh now, for you will mourn and weep. Woe to you when all men speak well of you . . .

1 Peter 2:20-21 . . . if you suffer for doing good and you endure it, this is commendable before God. To this you were called, because Christ suffered for you, leaving you an example, that you should follow in his steps.

Let’s grapple with a Scripture that causes many qualms:

1 Peter 3:1-6 Wives, in the same way be submissive to your husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words . . . when they see the purity and reverence of your lives. Your beauty should  . . . be . . . a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight. For this is the way the holy women of the past who put their hope in God used to make themselves beautiful. They were submissive to their own husbands, like Sarah, who obeyed Abraham and called him her master. . . .

It is futile to try to squirm out of this by saying, “Oh, that’s just the apostle Paul!” as if he were not God’s chosen but some despicable woman-hater. The above was written by the apostle Peter and, as confirmation that this was of God, he cited yet another part of the Holy Scripture (Genesis). That Peter should write this means that wives submitting to their husbands was not some Pauline aberration but the teaching of the entire early church. If Jesus, who left no written documents of his teaching, got it wrong as to whom to entrust the transmission of his message – after prayerfully choosing Peter and the rest of the apostles – then Jesus was not of God.

It shocks us, but Peter, writing under divine inspiration, declared that wives are to be like Sarah, who not only obeyed her husband but habitually called him lord, or master.

Sarah was not only Abraham’s wife but his half-sister (Genesis 20:12). She had lived with him since she had been a little baby and was still calling him lord after something like seventy years of marriage (Genesis 17:17). For all that time she had known his every bad habit and weakness and yet she still called him, “My Lord.” No doubt, she loved him dearly but she did not let love and familiarity erode the honor and respect she gave him. Moreover, upon examining the biblical basis for Peter’s declaration, we see that Sarah’s behavior was not mere lip-service or something Abraham demanded:

Genesis 18:12 So Sarah laughed to herself [over an angel saying she would have a child] as she thought, “After I am worn out and my master is old, will I now have this pleasure?” (Emphasis mine.)

She did not merely call her husband master, as some outward sign of submission, she thought of him as her master. In her heart – her most secret thoughts – she called him master.

To our astonishment, this, says God in his sacred Word, is the model for a good marriage.