Help for People with
Dissociative Identity Disorder (D.I.D.)
Also Known as Multiple Personality Disorder (M.P.D.)
Healing and Integration of Alters
(Alters are Also Known as Insiders)
These pages in Spanish, Swahili
Part 3
Danger
Before moving on, I must alert you to two serious dangers and hindrances to healing. One is caving into a fear of people so that you let no one close enough to help you on your healing journey. The other danger is becoming too dependent upon a single individual. Let’s investigate that latter danger more deeply.
The first person I ever knew who had Dissociative Identity Disorder – I’ll call her Samantha – had fled a dangerous cult to live interstate with a young woman I’ll call Julie. Samantha had suffered horrific Satanic Ritual Abuse and needed virtually around-the-clock care from Julie to protect her from suicide and other dangers. So she moved in with Julie. Julie was an inexperienced but devoted and competent counselor and Samantha quickly became highly dependent upon her emotionally. The strain upon Julie was such that she ended up getting sick and had to take a compete break from helping anyone. This was so devastating to Samantha that many of her alters took it as rejection and she tragically ended up returning to her abusers. To my knowledge, virtually all the healing was lost and, years later, she is still in torment.
Another woman with D.I.D. found acceptance and the father’s love she had always craved in a kind pastor. This caused her to feel an abnormally strong bond with this pastor such that she was constantly battling feelings of jealousy regarding him, and when he needed to move permanently to a church in another part of the country it felt like rejection to her and it proved a huge setback in her healing journey.
These are just two examples of how people with Dissociative Identity Disorder can quickly develop unhealthily powerful attachments to those who show them kindness, and what initially feels good and speeds their recovery can end up sabotaging their healing.
Until they heal, people with D.I.D. might have many casual friends but deep inside they are tortured by extreme loneliness and intense yearning for acceptance, further compounded by the belief that anyone discovering the full truth about their past would reject them. They feel haunted by dark, tormenting secrets that they keep suppressing from everyone (and even from themselves). To release that fearful pressure and isolation by sharing their secrets and find warm acceptance is such a relief that it powerfully bonds a person with whoever the secrets are shared. This, combined with the false but strong deception that virtually no one would else accept them if they truly knew them, typically causes people with Dissociative Identity Disorder to feel strongly attached to, and dependent upon, a counselor or whoever they open up to.
To understand the power of the forces at work, remember that parts of the person are literally like little children desperate for a parent’s love and approval, others are like older children yearning for a best friend and still others are like teens pining for romantic love. It is not at all unusual for some to be sexually attracted to someone of the same gender as their own body. And all these different alters can believe they have found in the one counselor (or friend they have opened up to) all the love and acceptance they have been starved of all their lives. Almost overwhelmingly powerful forces combine, not only on a conscious level, but on a subconscious level.
Little children typically think their parents infallible, and starry-eyed lovers are blinded to faults in the person they idolize. People who are hurting are exceptionally sensitive. Alters can take the tiniest thing as a huge personal insult. Bring all these components together and the result is such intense emotions that if you and your alters bond exclusively to one person, then even temporarily losing access to this person can feel not just like being orphaned but being widowed, and like being betrayed by your best friend, all at the one time.
What makes these attachments so dangerous is that no one but God can guarantee never to die or get sick or need a break. It also puts enormous pressure on the person who is the object of this dependence. Becoming so crucial to another’s healing and well-being can easily so overload a helper that he or she cracks under the demands placed on him or her. Furthermore, it makes the person with Dissociative Identity Disorder dangerously vulnerable to exploitation if the one they depend so highly upon has the slightest moral weakness.
It is for very good reason that it is considered not just unwise but highly unethical for a counselor to have a romantic relationship with someone he or she is helping. Doing so is enough to get professionals deregistered because it is well established that people who are emotionally wounded are highly vulnerable and can so easily end up feeling emotionally attached to anyone offering them support. This is further exasperated by the fact that people with Dissociative Identity Disorder usually need prolonged help.
Anyone recovering from Dissociative Identity Disorder needs to be in a position where the most significant person in their recovery could at any moment die or be forced by circumstances to withdraw without it undermining much of the progress made.
An alter wrote to me, saying:
My host’s husband left her alone with all her outside children to raise all by herself. He told her, “You need too much.”
We don’t want you to go away from us like he did because we need too much because that made our host cry and cry and cry and throw up until she almost died. We don't want to make that happen to her again.
I replied:
Precious Friend,
I understand your needs. They are very deep, intense and critically important. I feel for you and long to be used of God to help you have all these needs met. But although humans can facilitate, your needs are so great that it is critical for your well-being and for other people that you don’t look to other people to meet your needs. You actually need someone who is available 24/7 and who can guarantee not to burn out or die. Otherwise you are vulnerable to more heart-break – and you have already suffered far too much of that.
I will do my best, but the only safe and totally effective way to meet your needs is through Jesus and through each part of you loving, understanding and supporting every other part of you.
As you understand, it is not fair on yourself, or on any counselor, to look to a counselor as if he were a substitute husband who pledges to be with you till death and gives you priority over everyone else who needs him. I know you don’t think this is what you are asking but it is so easy to slip into this degree of dependence without realizing it.
Nor is it safe for you, or fair on any husband, for you to unconsciously make a husband into a substitute mother and father for your every alter, even though your alters desperately need it. This does not mean that your needs cannot be met but they must be met through Jesus and through you loving and supporting each part of you. My role must not be primary, but must be to help you discover how to have your needs met by Jesus and by yourself.
Since only God is immortal, infallible and unchangeable, alters need to learn as quickly as possible to keep availing themselves of human help while at the same time shifting their dependence as much as they can from humans to God. For this reason I established a DID group, an important goal of which is that members bond to the group rather than to myself or any individual in the group. Other people are an important part of the healing process but alters are best helped by looking primarily to God and their host for nurturing, approval, parenting and so on.
The Goal of Integration
In another webpage I explain why I believe people with Dissociative Identity Disorder have superior brains. So I don’t believe the goal of integration should be to become entirely like people have never had D.I.D., any more than the goal of a genius should be to lower himself to having “normal” intelligence. (I do not have D.I.D. myself, so I say this without bias.) The goal should be for all the alters to be identified and work harmoniously as a team that dearly love and support each other, know each other’s secrets, and have full access to each other’s memories and abilities. I do, however, think it best to try to avoid having some sleep while others are awake. For all of them to sleep at the same time and be alert together will avoid unduly exhausting themselves and having to struggle through on less than full intellectual capacity.
toward Wholeness and Integration
A child alter, who had been formed because of sexual abuse, was greatly disturbed. She who had seen herself as a little girl had come to realize that she had the body of a mature woman. This alarmed her because she believed that a sexually mature body would make her more subject to unwanted male attention. She found comfort when I explained how having an adult’s strong body, and the authority and believability that goes with it, made her less vulnerable to molesters. But she was still upset by the thought of no longer being a child.
Among the blunders I mentioned earlier was telling an alter who thought she was four years old that she was an adult. This is the alter. Before I blundered, she had already grasped that she had an adult body. To point out that she also had an adult mind had seemed a small step to me, but not to her. Until then she had seen herself as a little girl trapped in an adult’s body. She found the thought of being a full adult horrifying because she saw it as being robbed of her childhood and of her dreams. After me telling her too early and too bluntly, she had coped primarily by living in denial of what I had said.
A couple of weeks later she asked, “How old am I really?”
I looked to the Lord, anxious not to make another mistake.
I began a careful explanation of how she had come to exist as an alter and concluded with, “It’s most unfair that you’ve been dumped with all the pain and have missed out on all the good memories, but Jesus suffered so that he could take all your pain upon himself. You got left behind when the rest of you grew up but God wants to make you happy by helping you catch up so that you are reunited with the rest of you. That way, you’ll get all the good memories that you deserve – the memories that until now you have been robbed of.”
I ended by specifically answering her question. “I believe that at present you are emotionally four years old. I’m not sure what your mental age is, but you certainly seem smarter than a four year old. And you have the beautiful, strong body of a mature woman. These three things are out of step. It’s no wonder you’re confused. It would be confusing for anyone. But God wants to heal you so that all of you is the one ‘age’ with happy memories and no confusion.”
Usually, when little alters fear losing their childhood, it indicates that they have not yet received all the fun, love and nurturing that they need. If this need were left unmet, the effect of deprivation during childhood would continue and one would expect the whole person would go through life suffering from unfulfilled emotional needs. If so, the Healing Lord understands and will not let these little alters miss out on what is needed for emotional wholeness. So little alters need not fear. God will not rush things. He will not let them miss out on the nurturing they long for.
As I continued to explain to her things mentioned elsewhere in this series of webpages, peace began to settle upon this dear alter. She no longer saw herself as a separate person trapped in someone else’s body but as a vital part of one person. Now she saw herself as having been tragically disconnected from the rest of her and that union with her other parts represents true fulfillment and the end of confusion. She was not the freak that she had seen herself as, but simply someone who, through no fault of her own, had been deeply wounded emotionally, and God wanted to heal that wound. Becoming one with her host was not the frightening loss that she feared but the gaining of new memories and abilities. It was discovering that she was a key piece in a jigsaw puzzle that would never make sense without her. It was a healing, a coming home, a restoration, becoming whole.
Just a little while later, this alter began finding herself merging with two of her fellow alters whenever they met with Jesus. I asked her what it felt like to be one with the other alters. She replied that it made her feel stronger, more capable and more alive. The experience took nothing from her; it added to her. It enriched her.
It is natural for alters to mistakenly suppose that integration would mean they would cease to exist. This is far from the truth. Not only will they never cease to exist, integration means gaining more abilities – the abilities of the other alters. There is no loss. It is a win-win.
One woman with D.I.D. put it this way:
As much as I hate having this disorder I often used to worry about who I would be without it. Through your webpage I’ve learned it doesn’t have to be that way. I would be more, not less.
A woman had many alters who were excitedly discussing forming into groups of two or three and merging with each other. Some, while not committing themselves to permanency, were actually trialing it for a few days at a time. This had come about naturally, without the slightest input from any counselor. Many of them would have loved to merge with their protector alter whom they greatly admired. The protector refused, fearing that merging would result in gaining each other’s weaknesses. She worried that gaining any weakness would lower her ability to protect the alters, should that need ever arise. Moreover, she did not want to inflict her own weaknesses upon any other alter.
I told the protector that I expected that each would gain the other’s strengths and that weaknesses would disappear, unless all the alters she merged with had the same weakness. At my suggestion she asked God about it. He always comes up with brilliant insights. He replied that it would be best to wait a little while before merging with any other alter and that she should focus first on merging with God. This alter was already a very committed Christian but at times was a little tentative in her relationship with God, as is typical of someone whose trust has been seriously violated by humans. Of course, God’s response is very scriptural. For example:
1 Corinthians 6:16-17 . . . For it is said, “The two will become one flesh.” But he who unites himself with the Lord is one with him in spirit.
The alter concluded that by merging with the perfect Lord, her own weaknesses would cease to be an issue.
Bursting Out of Confinement
In Heidelberg Zoo, Germany, a bear was confined in a small cage for years. Every day it would continually pace up and down as far as the cage would permit – twelve paces up and twelve paces back. Finally, the bear was released in a large new enclosure, but to everyone’s dismay, all it would do was walk back and forth, twelve paces up, twelve paces back.
Alters are like that. It’s not that an alter does not have the skills or memories or emotional ownership of certain events that a fellow alter has. It is simply that such alters are living in denial, or mistakenly think that they are more limited than they really are. They can access all the memories and skills of the full person but they believe themselves incapable of going beyond the narrow confines of who they think they are. They usually see themselves as having no existence before a certain age, nor beyond a certain age. They need to be freed from the confines that this self-image imposes on them.
As alters begin to heal, they will occasionally draw upon memories or skills outside of the age they imagine they are limited to. For example, an alter who thinks she is a child might display maturity or vocabulary or a skill that the person never had at that age. Or an alter might speak of an event that occurred before he was formed as if he personally experienced it. This often happens so naturally that alters are unaware that they are doing it. They can be greatly helped if, when you notice it happening, you gently draw to their attention that what they are saying or doing indicates that they truly are the full person that you have been telling them they are.
Since alters exist in an attempt to protect other parts of the person from at least some of the trauma of deeply disturbing experiences, they retain the deepest emotional reaction to experiences. Not surprisingly, they also sometimes seek to protect the rest of the person by keeping unpleasant information to themselves. Although these secrets seemed horrific when the alter formed, the host has since matured physically and probably spiritually, or circumstances may have greatly changed. For any of these reasons, the secrets are likely to be less upsetting to the host than the alter supposes. It is also not uncommon for an alter to be trying desperately to keep a secret without realizing that the host already knows about it.
Metaphorically speaking, it was as though artificial roadblocks had been set up in her host’s brain dividing the real person into several alters. Neural pathways from each alter to the thoughts, memories, viewpoints and so on of the rest of the person are all in place and full access can easily be established once each blockage is removed. As an alter stops holding on to secrets and looks to God for healing, the blockage slowly dissolves, thus allowing the alter, simply by thinking, to access memories and skills that the alter hadn’t known he/she had. As this begins to happen, the alter becomes increasingly like the whole person, with just a slightly different perspective unique to that alter.
Once confidence is gained and an alter reveals his/her secrets to the rest of the person, a significant reason for the alter to exist as a separate entity vanishes. To unite with other alters the alter must also like those alters and (if the alters are older) not be afraid of growing up or losing his/her individuality. The alter is then likely to merge with one or more other alters and the process continue until all the alters have integrated into one person with the full power of all the memories and skills and perspectives of each alter combined. The order in which merging takes place might surprise. For instance, a teenage alter might happen to have more in common with one in its thirties than one in its twenties and so the teenage alter could merge with the thirties alter, while the alter in its twenties temporarily continues to remain separate. Moreover, it is often a case that opposites attract. Alters with a particular weakness will often team up with those who can compensate. A timid alter might team up with a courageous one; an alter lacking a particular intellectual skill might team up with one that has that skill, and so on.
I should point out, however, that it is not uncommon for an alter to remain silent for a while and for the host to misinterpret this silence as indicating that the alter has merged with another.
Helpful Points in Healing
Since most people have more than one alter, each alter needs an individual name to help you identify which alter you are speaking with. Sometimes alters choose for themselves demeaning names, such as Shame or Reject. I never use such names because doing so reinforces a lie they have believed about themselves. In fact, if they let you, consider using an opposite name such as Honor or Beloved. Sometimes alters choose normal but diverse names. Three alters of the one person might be named Jack, Bill and Brian. It might slightly aid their sense of unity, however, if they could be referred to by the age at which they formed. For example, if the host’s name is Jack, they might be called three-year-old Jack, six-year-old Jack and twelve-year-old Jack. On the other hand, even referring to them by age could be slightly negative by helping them feel locked into that age. One woman told me the Lord had instructed her to start using a hyphenated name for each alter, with her birth name appearing first. For example, if her birth name had been Mary and she had alters called Little-One, Precious and Mother, their names became Mary-Little-One, Mary-Precious and Mary-Mother. I see God’s wisdom in this as it reinforces to each alter that she is part of one person. A name can have such a powerful impact upon a person that, in the Bible, people’s names were sometimes chosen by God. I’ve seen alters profoundly helped by being given a significant, positive name. So choice of names is worthy of prayer.
We all love testimonies of people who, by becoming Christians, undergo dramatic transformations of beliefs and behavior. We have explained, however, that until they are helped, alters are trapped in a time warp, and if the time in which they are trapped is before their host’s conversion, those alters will, as one would expect, be like non-Christians and have not yet experienced any of the spiritual transformations that the host enjoyed later in life. This situation will continue until the alters are specifically taught the gospel message, yield to it, and are trained up in the ways of the Lord. So it is not unusual for a Christian to have an alter that hates God or has other habits or views that disgust the Christian part of the person.
It is hardly surprising that when alters first surface after feeling despised and rejected for years, they are often bitter and unpleasant to talk to, just as almost anyone would be after suffering a tragedy and then cruelly treated, rejected and kept in solitary confinement, year after year. Please don’t add to their torment by letting their reaction upset you. Show them kindness and acceptance and minister the love of Christ to them.
Alters need to be loved and prayed for and coaxed into the kingdom of God. They need to be taught Christian principles that might now seem so basic to hosts that they have forgotten that they had ever needed to be taught them. Just like anyone else who has had little exposure to Christian teaching, most alters must be taught such basics as the need to forgive those who have hurt them, to renounce sins and any occult links and, once they have yielded to Christ, to learn the authority that they have in him. Each of these is a huge step, so be gentle and patient.
If an alter’s host has already surrendered to Christ, I find it easy to have faith for the alter to likewise yield, but keep remembering that alters are deeply hurting and so deserve great tenderness. Usually the trauma they suffered involved having their trust violated. So trusting anyone – God included – is highly challenging, possibly even terrifying, for them. Trust takes time to develop.
Not only are alters deeply hurting, they almost expect to be rejected and easily misinterpret even harmless remarks as rejection. They might act stony hard but it is simply an attempt to steel themselves against the pain of rejection. Deep down they crave unconditional love and acceptance. If they begin to feel they can find this in you, they will be keen to please, and any trouble they cause will not be due to not wanting to please you, although they might deliberately test you to see if you would reject them, as they fear. So discipline would not increase their motivation. I urge against speaking sternly to alters –even to very annoying ones. Don’t tell them off like naughty children. Each alter needs and deserves deep respect and lots of unconditional love and patience and gentle persuasion.
Being stern with an alter is likely to drive the alter into hiding. If that seems like peace to you, it is a false peace. If you have alters, they are an inseparable part of you. It doesn’t take much intelligence to realize that to hurt a part of you is to hurt yourself, and to not coax an alter into the open where he/she can heal, is to cripple yourself.
You’ll be astounded at how a few days of compassion and gently explaining the gospel will transform a nasty, God-hating, sin-loving alter into a delightful, God-loving friend and ally who is keen to live a life of purity and to please you and other alters.
Sometimes, when you have been ministering for weeks to a person with Dissociative Identity Disorder and yet another alter speaks to you for the first time, the alter has heard much of what you have told other alters. Often, however, the alter has not heard and you have to repeat it all over again to the new alter. This can sometimes be tiresome for the person helping, but it must be done. Often the host and other alters can help the new alter but I have frequently underrated how much I’m still needed to repeat what I have already told the person’s other alters.
Since each alter will behave rather like a normal traumatized person of that age and gender, the more skilled you are at emotionally supporting people, the better you will be at helping alters. For some practical tips in how to emotionally support people who are hurting, see the link at the end of this page, titled How to Comfort the Hurting.
It is both very important and healing to parent child alters as you would tenderly parent a normal, deeply hurting, fearful child. This can be particularly challenging if you are inexperienced with children, but most new parents start off inexperienced, too. Buy each young alter his/her own toys. Play them Christian children’s music. Hug them, praise them, tell them you love them. Sometimes even adult alters that seem very tough can desperately need such expressions of parental love and approval. For the sake of baby alters, you might even need to wear diapers, use a pacifier, and drink formula milk from a bottle. An adult man found there were often times when, if he did not do this, he would get so stressed as to fall into sin. But he found using baby items so humiliating that he had to learn over and over just how critical it was for his healing and his own peace.
Listen long and hard to each alter. Teach, guide, play with, empathize with and even joke with the alter. If a host finds times for certain alters to manifest themselves freely, they will be more settled at times when the host particularly wants them to be quiet.
It is important to know that God is eager to take alters into his temporary, intensely personal care. It is not unusual for the alters of Christians to enjoy times in heaven playing with God or receiving personal instruction or comfort from him. One child alter often played before the throne of God with several other, unrelated child alters, some of whom spoke languages that were foreign to her. One of their favorite games was playing with what seemed to be a harmless ball of fire. An alter I know once found herself in what seemed like a pleasant and private heavenly hospital ward in which Jesus sat on her bed and personally comforted her. Not surprisingly, such experiences are deeply healing. Encourage alters to feel loved of God and safe with him and to spend much time with him.
Wrote one alter in a written prayer:
We hide in you. You have a secret place for alters and we know it is a safe place. . . . Daddy, thank you for loving and protecting alters. We would be in deep trouble without you, but we are with you and you love us.
It is not uncommon for a host to feel overwhelmed by the incessant demands of several needy alters. Such a person is able to enjoy respite by handing one or more of the alters over to God for a while.
With the help of her host, one of Alice’s younger alters wrote the following to one of Jake’s younger alters about the games God plays with her. Do not regard these games as trivial. Imagine how healing and bonding to God such experiences would be to a traumatized little girl who is never allowed to play, and for whom touch was usually painful, sexual, or both.
God plays lots of games. My favorite is “Tickles”. I love it when he grabs me and spins me around, smiling and laughing. Then he gently tickles me and kisses my tummy. I squeal in delight.
He dances with me too. I love to spin around in his arms and I feel so safe. We sing a lot together. I love to sing.
We play hide and seek. He pretends he doesn’t see me and I pounce into his lap. Then he grabs me and cuddles with me. Or I call him and he surprises me with where he is. Sometimes he is behind me and that isn’t fair ’cos I don’t have eyes in the back of my head. He clowns around and we giggle and giggle.
On another occasion, Alice typed as God spoke to her little alter. Here’s part of what he said:
Sweetie, you are my delight. I love alters. They are special people with special needs. When the world shuts them up I have a place in my heart for them. I love you and the times we play together are more than precious to me.
The Lord is far better at understanding and helping alters – and anyone else for that matter – than we are. Nevertheless, there is no avoiding it: people (alters included) need people. One host was so frustrated with his child alters that he sent them all off to God, hoping never to see them again. I understand his reaction. It was a huge trial for him. Some of the alters were not toilet trained. One wanted a pacifier and formula milk and couldn’t even speak. Imagine a grown man acting that way. In fact, his wife had left him because of it. The Lord made it clear to him, however, that, respite breaks and special healing sessions aside, the man must care for his own alters. Seeing the wisdom of what God had told him, I pointed out to the frustrated host that he would remain fractured – and hence below his full, God-given potential – while his alters were not with him. God can heal in amazing ways but this man needed to bond with his alters, and they with him, for him to find true wholeness. Like any other human bonding process, spending considerable time with each other is essential.
Human Help
There is much that people can do to help and comfort their own alters. In fact, when coupled with continually seeking divine help, I used to think that healing oneself should be the norm. However, an alter I had helped wrote the following to a man who had alters, and sent me a copy:
Alters are lonely people. It is so much better not to suffer alone. I needed to talk to someone outside myself, not merely with the host I split from. I needed a safe place to say some very personal stuff and talk graphically about the things that hurt me. I needed to trust someone and to know that I could be accepted for who I am. For me, Grantley was that someone. This has helped me so much and I am grateful both to God and Grantley for their help.
Before reading this I had been vaguely aware of the value of alters talking to people other than those who share their own body. Now that I have stopped to consider it, however, the importance is obvious. Someone in solitary confinement can, of course, talk to himself and God, and doing so would be invaluable. Nevertheless, anyone in this situation will develop a desperate need to talk to other humans.
This same alter explained why she would never reveal herself to a professional counselor. An alter’s most pressing need is for a friend, not a clinical healer or anyone paid to spend time with the alter. If you felt rejected and painfully lonely, would you pay someone by the hour to listen to you? Many of us would find that so hollow and humiliating that we would prefer to remain lonely! This alter believes she is typical of all alters in not wanting someone who, with an air of superiority, looks at her as a patient or a case study. She feels the same way about any do-gooder who might treat her as an object of pity or someone to be helped, rather than as a valued friend. An alter’s self-esteem is typically so low that it could barely endure such a put down. Alters need and deserve a genuine friend – someone who not only gives a listening ear and shares insights but who values their friendship. And this is not hard to do. I’m not surprised that someone who has helped large numbers of people with Dissociative Identity Disorder said he has yet to find an alter he didn’t like. Of course, many need to be relieved of their pain before they become likeable.
Moreover, I have since discovered an alter who would let both a friend and me help him but refused to accept his host’s help. The host had previously despised and rebuked him for years, sometimes regarding the alter as his sinful “flesh” and sometimes as a demon. Even though the host had now completely changed his attitude, the alter continued to resent him for his past behavior, thus limiting the host’s ability to help the alter. I was eventually able to help the alter forgive his host, but it took a while.
Someone else wrote to me frustrated that her alters would reveal their secrets to me before ever telling her. I explained that this is because they regard me as more expendable than her. If I were to reject an alter (which I would never do), the alter would be less devastated than if it were her who rejected the alter. So her alters often prefer to test my reaction before taking the ultimate risk of letting her know their secrets. Even if they knew her so well as to feel secure in her love and ongoing approval, however, there is another hurdle: they have devoted their entire existence to keeping secrets from her to protect her from distress and her alters look to me for a sign as to whether she could cope from knowing their secrets.
Another practical difficulty in someone trying to cure themselves without the support of anyone else is that when alters first surface their deep emotional pain tends to overwhelm the rest of the person, making it very hard for the person to think with sufficient clarity to effectively minister to his or her new alter.
I mentioned earlier in this series of webpages my friend with D.I.D. who chose a psychologist as a prayer partner. My friend told him that he could not afford a counselor. The psychologist replied, “Counseling is sometimes overrated. God is God. Jesus does the healing and it is his choice as to how he heals.”
The difficulty in relying solely on a friend for help, however, is that the friend would need to be a very special person, led of the Spirit and endowed with wisdom. For at least some basic preparation, both the friend and the person with the alters should, in addition to studying these webpages, read those on the link at the end of this page, titled How to Comfort the Hurting.
Whoever alters choose to confide in, it will need to be someone the alters (not just the host) feel relaxed with. I know a host who thinks a certain woman is wonderful but one of her alters cannot tolerate her because the woman reminds her of someone who deeply offended her. It is important that the chosen person believes both in the host and in alters, and is trustworthy, gentle, patient, faithful, unshockable and nonjudgmental. Before sharing with anyone anything about your alters, question them about their understanding and attitudes concerning both demons and alters. Ideally, the person should not only believe in alters but also in demons, and preferably have had experience in casting out demons and also in differentiating between alters and demons. An alter may feel more trusting of one gender than the other. As the alter heals, however, exposure to an honorable person of the other gender could be healing.
It can also be very powerful (sometimes it’s the ultimate) for an alter to minister to someone else’s alter. Being alters, they can really identify with each other and gain acceptance. The ministering alter must, of course, be a strong Christian and able to withstand any insults or seduction that the other alter might try. Such contact should be supervised.
Alters – even ones formed as adults – can be so desperate for an approving mother or father that they would love the counselor or friend to become a substitute mother or father. It ends up being far safer and more healing, however, if Jesus and an alter or the host take on the parenting roles. That way there is availability 24/7 without any danger of abandonment due to the substitute parent burning out or leaving. Moreover, the healing advantages are obvious: the more deeply bonded the person is with Jesus and with every part of himself/herself, the better.
One of Jake’s alters used to call himself “Reject.” Despite him not being happy with his new name, we renamed him Beloved. In the following, he is replying to an e-mail from one of Alices’ alters who, coincidentally, also used to call herself “Reject”. It highlights several things about alters and the powerful way God ministers to them.
I’m not hitting any of the other alters anymore.
For the last few days I went to porn thinking that it would help me, but Terry [one of the younger brother alters he used to hit] keeps singing praise to God and I can hear him inside. When I go to masturbate he starts crying and praying and I can’t continue. I want to be like Terry.
I told Jesus to be Lord of my sexuality today and asked him to be my Lord also. Jesus told me, “Well done!”
Terry says that when I do bad things it hurts him, too. He just keeps praying for me and doesn’t stop. He is afraid of me. I don’t want him to be afraid of me. I don’t hate him anymore. He just loves too much. I am afraid to be loved.
Thank you for telling me that I am wanted. No one ever wanted me. Thank you for wanting me to live.
Jesus wants me. I am just scared at times of him. He has not hurt me, though. He took me to heaven with him for a little bit. He does love me. I am still confused sometimes, though.
I am Beloved of God. I don’t want to be Reject ever again.
When you sent the e-mail about Jesus blowing his love on me, I felt it blow over my spirit. I don’t really understand that, but he does love me.
By the way, it is important for anyone with D. I. D. who has the tiniest attraction to porn to place a porn filter on all Internet access. You cannot expect currently unknown alters to have the degree of self-control that you have, nor can you expect little alters to be able to tolerate what you can tolerate. Disregarding this can cause significant setbacks in one’s healing. A link at the end of this page provides a list of porn filters.
A three-year old child who has been traumatized can be seriously triggered by television programs rated for general viewing. Something as innocuous as falling asleep in front of a T.V. can have most unpleasant consequences. When the host is asleep, little alters are often more active, not less, and the host is unable to monitor what is seen.
Hindrances to Integration
Total healing and full integration might take years but the good news is that throughout your healing journey you will enjoy the benefits of continual improvement. Like a young athlete who will become world champion, you will keep getting better and better even though you cannot expect to reach your peak in just a few months.
The first step toward full integration is for alters to reveal themselves. By reading these webpages you have come to understand that each alter needs to feel safe enough to do this and that upon first surfacing, each alter usually has so much pain – and sometimes bad habits – that the host and already-surfaced alters are reluctant for a new alter to manifest himself/herself. So the surfacing of alters is usually a slow, drawn-out process and yet even then the person usually feels that it is happening too quickly. There are various factors affecting how long it takes for all alters to be identified. An obvious factor is how many alters a person has. People who have suffered long term Satanic Ritual Abuse could have over a hundred.
Even with daily counseling and only thirty alters who get on well with each other, it is likely to take at least a year – probably much longer – for all alters to be identified. Moreover, I know of no way of ascertaining that every alter has revealed himself/herself. Often there are alters that no other alter is aware of, and even if an alter knows, he or she might feel obligated not to reveal another alter’s existence without that alter’s permission. Thankfully, invaluable moves toward integration will begin long before all alters have appeared. As alters mature, they will become increasing alike and various alters will team up.
Beyond the mere surfacing of alters, full integration is also slow. What particularly makes integration a drawn out process is that each alter must want it. Just because certain alters have been conversing with you for months and have undergone significant healing does not mean that they do not have further serious issues that need to be worked through before they are ready to integrate. There are so many potential obstacles to an alter wanting integration. Let’s list some of them.
* An unwillingness to accept present-day reality
The person’s real gender, actual age or current marital status are examples of reality that an alter might not be ready to accept. Desperately wanting to keep living in denial would make such an alter recoil from uniting with an alter who accepts reality.
An alter might, for example, be so desperate to love and respect a certain person (a parent, perhaps) that it refuses to believe another alter’s experiences that shatter the myth – perhaps by proving that the person was an abuser. For such an alter, integration would involve gaining memories that the alter refuses to accept. So the alter will remain separate until it is willing to accept this.
An alter’s concern that she might end up ignored or undervalued by other alters could move the alter to keep other alters dependent upon her by monopolizing access to a certain skill or useful memories she has. Integration involves each alter having full access to all memories and skills, and until she feels more secure, such an alter will refuse to let this happen.
I have explained earlier in this series of webpages the benefits to alters of integration.
An alter might prefer to avoid stress by sleeping at times when the rest of the person is interacting with people. Young alters need to play and might be given no opportunity to do so except when everyone else is asleep. Another reason for a different sleep schedule might be that an alter feels it is safest for at least one alter to be on guard at all times against any possible attack. The result is working in shifts with alters, rather than seeking to work in unison.
Leaving it to other alters when things get tough will obviously hinder integration.
For example, cultivating hopes and dreams might be important for one alter but might appall another who is terrified of the pain of dashed hopes.
One alter, for example, might believe that another acted inappropriately and so blame the alter for what happened. Such ill-feeling will block integration.
An alter might in the past have “hit” or insulted another alter or have wished an alter were dead. Unless alters forgive each other, they will not merge.
This can take many forms. For example, when allowed to manifest herself, an alter formed as a baby might need diapers or want to be bottle fed. Older alters could strongly resent this. Or older alters might want to watch movies that would terrify children, or do other things inappropriate for children and hence upset their own young alters. This will hinder healing and so block the path to integration.
An alter might swear, use porn, smoke or do something else that another alter strongly objects to on moral grounds. Until resolved, this will divide alters.
There might be serious disputes over choice of food, clothing, music, use of money, and so on.
Alters might resist integration because they fear that a counselor or loved one might like them less after integration. Or the loved one might be consciously sabotaging integration because he or she prefers to relate to someone with alters. The loved one might, for example, be so keen to have children that he or she encourages alters who think they are children to continue to be childish.
Alice, whose alters are nearing full integration, writes:
One of my alters set some ground rules that we all follow:
1. Do not take out your hurt on other alters. They are hurting too.
2. Do not use force on another alter. Each of us knows what it is to be manipulated and treated roughly, so we do not perpetuate this by treating others badly.
3. Do not make fun of another alter. We all know how hard it is to communicate and how confusing it is when alters first surface. We have all been trapped by isolation and this expresses itself in many forms. Let each alter come to terms with what she is experiencing and to communicate it as best as she can.
4. Above all, never betray an alter. Anything confided to you, including the mere existence of an alter, is a sacred trust that must not be revealed to anyone without the alter’s full permission.
These rules have helped alters become friends. It starts from the moment any of us become aware of an alter who is new to us. Remembering how lonely and confused we once were, we immediately offer her our friendship and remain faithful and kind to her, no matter how unpleasant she might initially seem. If she hurts us in any way, we refuse to take it personally but compassionately realize it is because she is delirious with pain. We must love as Christ loves, in full faith that such courageous love will slowly melt the heart of a bitter, angry alter; transforming her into a beautiful and precious friend. And on the way to this transformation we teach her our ground rules.
Maintaining those ground rules has made us dangerous to hell. United, we fight together as an army against everything that would seek to bring us down. We can read each other’s minds and function as one, switching around to let some rest or to let each other’s strengths be used to achieve what is needed. The most critical thing, however, is to be submitted to God in all of this.
When Alters Seem to Have Disappeared or Died
It is common for alters to suddenly “vanish,” especially after something triggering occurs. In extreme cases, other alters – and even the missing alter – can mistakenly believe the alter has died. I’ll say a little more about “dead” alters soon but this little section applies to all alters who have gone missing.
Even when it is known not to be serious, losing contact with an alter can be quite disconcerting. You might even suddenly find yourself without knowledge or abilities needed to perform key tasks at work or elsewhere.
No one can say with certainty when these alters will return but they are sure to do so eventually. Here are some hints that might speed their return:
* If an alter who has gone AWOL, has a favorite toy or doll or activity, hold the doll, play the game, listen to the alter’s favorite music, etc. That can help the alter feel safe and he or she might come out enough for you to talk with the alter, allowing you the opportunity to provide needed reassurance, an update on what has happened since the alter withdrew, etc.
* Even if you are not sure the alter is listening, tell the alter something encouraging several times throughout the day such as, “It is safe now” (if that is true), “I need you,” “I’d love to speak with you,” etc.
* Another way is to ask alters who are out to see if they can locate the silent alter and pass on a message.
* It is good to prepare ahead of time for such emergencies by creating in your imagination a safe place for alters to retreat to when they feel the need to withdraw. This safe place can have a locked door, or whatever, but ensure it has a speaker phone or some means of getting a message through.
Dead Alters
Sometimes alters will be convinced that an alter that was once in their system has died. Often they will be saddened by this and they might even blame themselves for it. The supposed death might have happened years ago and it might have seemed like suicide and/or be precipitated by bad treatment from other alters.
What actually happened is that the alter thought to have died went into deep hiding and has not been seen since. If an alter seeks God about the fate of the missing alter it will often be revealed that the alter has been with God ever since the disappearance and is so content that the alter has no desire to return to the stresses of earthly life.
This might sound cozy but the practical reality is that some of the person’s intellectual capacity (quite possibly including a special talent) and the alter’s special experiences with God are rendered inaccessible and effectively lost for as long as that alter remains with God (or otherwise hidden).
So despite it meaning that the alter must re-enter the harsh realities of everyday living, the alter’s return is very much in the interest of the rest of the person and of that person achieving the most for God on earth. It is therefore advisable to entice the alter back. Prayer for this will help, as well as passing on messages that the alter is loved and that earthly life is now better than when the alter left. Any alter who treated this alter badly should also apologize.
Feeling Excessive Guilt For Loved Ones
Many alters have spent almost their entire existence selflessly relieving the distress of other parts of them by bearing the distress themselves. They take upon themselves unpleasant memories and/or associated negative emotions – such as guilt, shame, blame, regret, sorrow, depression, loneliness, fear, worry, anxiety, anger, self-loathing and feelings of inferiority. This they do to enable other parts, especially the host, to focus on necessary tasks, such as study or work, without the crippling distraction of all these distressing feelings and concerns. Their efforts sometimes even work for physical pain and tiredness. This unique type of help ends up being almost an automatic response, an addiction, and a way of life. Some even see it as their sole reason for existence. This carries over to other relationships so that when they suppose a loved one – sometimes even an animal – in the external world is suffering, they slip so easily – almost unconsciously – into attempting to relieve the loved one’s suffering by suffering on that person’s behalf.
None of us can know exactly what a person is feeling. If someone has an open wound, the slightest touch could send him reeling in pain, whereas for other people the same touch might not hurt at all. So alters, having suffered deeply themselves and often having inner wounds that are not yet healed, typically assume that loved ones in the outside world are more sensitive and hurting more than they actually are. This, combined with the expectation that suffering on someone’s behalf will relieve that person’s distress, drives them even more to want to suffer for the loved one. Moreover, there are several factors causing alters and child abuse survivors to have a highly exaggerated sense of responsibility for the welfare of others.
All the factors cited above and in the link combine to make it exceedingly difficult for alters to stop their habit of acting like an alter to people in the outside world. Despite the best intentions, however, suffering on behalf of someone who does not share one’s body and brain cannot ease that person’s distress. So alters who attempt to help in this way are left feeling such failures and so devastatingly guilty that it could even lead to self-harm.
Even without Dissociative Identity Disorder, dwelling on guesses about what a loved one might be suffering often ends in needless worry and attempts at empathy that overshoot the mark. Since people with D.I.D. are even more susceptible to this torturously futile habit, it is helpful for them to be alert to the danger and try to stop themselves or their fellow alters whenever they notice thoughts drifting toward negative guesses as to what their loved ones are feeling. Alters can benefit from continual gentle reminders that their guesses are likely to be wrong and that the more they think about a loved one’s “suffering” the more likely they are to slip into feeling within themselves the very things they mistakenly suppose their loved one is feeling. Help alters understand that trying to ease someone’s pain by bearing it for the person can never work with people in the outside world and that no rational person would expect them to even try. Alters need repeated reassurance that no-one other than Jesus can be anyone else’s alter. Assure them that God has great plans for them and a real purpose, even though it does not include bearing other people’s pain and distress.
Spiritual Blockages to Healing
No one in the universe comes close to Jesus in being able to set us free, empower us and heal us. If, however, any part of us is scared of Jesus or suspects he is harsh or frowns on us then, instead of snuggling into him and enjoying to the maximum his companionship and encouragement and wisdom, we will find ourselves instinctively staying somewhat aloof from him. This aloofness will rob us of so much warmth and comfort and spiritual power and access to divine wisdom and healing we would otherwise tap into. To break this artificial barrier created by not realizing how safe, trustworthy and kind Jesus is, every alter needs to read How Much does God Love Me? Receiving a Personal Revelation of God’s Love for You and all the links there. And to remove misguided fears that God might disapprove of them, they each need to read Forgiving Yourself and then keep following the first link at the end of the text on each page. They also need to make a declaration like the following. I suggest each of them study it and then read it out loud:
The real Jesus Christ is pure, holy, safe and trustworthy, and I declare to be a lying impostor anyone claiming to be Jesus who would ever want to relate sexually to anyone or in any way harm me. The real Jesus is good and perfect, the only eternal Son of God, through whom and for whom all things were made. He is the Innocent One who by dying on the cross took upon himself the full punishment everyone’s sin deserves so that through faith in him I can now be rescued from all evil spiritual powers and granted his innocence and become spiritually one with the Holy Lord, destined to rule with King Jesus on God’s throne forever.
Having defeated Satan and broken the power of all evil, Jesus rose triumphant from the dead and returned to heaven where he rules until the end of the age when he will fully execute his victory on the cross by destroying all evil. By virtue of who he is as the eternal Lord and through his victory on the cross he is far more powerful that the combined forces of every other power in the physical and spiritual universe.
I proudly declare that through faith in Jesus dying on the cross to secure forgiveness for my every sin, I belong to him and because he is utterly unselfish, good, kind, wise and trustworthy I want to forever obey him in everything he asks me to do. Because I belong to the Lord Jesus Christ and he is far stronger than anything that would seek to harm me or my loved ones, I call upon him for total protection against any threats, curses or negative consequences associated with terminating every agreement I have ever made that God wants me to break and every tie with people or spiritual beings that God wants me to end.
I hereby permanently break any commitment, promise or agreement I have knowingly or unknowingly made with Lucifer (Satan or the devil) or with any other spiritual being that is not in total submission to the Lord Jesus Christ, the holy Son of God and rightful Judge of every being that exists. If I have made to anyone else any promises that are not in accordance with God’s holy will for my life, I likewise break them all.
I also permanently refuse to accept any so-called benefit associated with an agreement I previously made that does not have God’s approval and, instead, I claim all the blessings and protection that are mine because of Jesus. Through Jesus I am free and through my spiritual oneness with him I exercise his authority to resist all evil and compel it to leave me.
For further help in exercising the authority Jesus has given you over evil, see Susan has a Secret (especially good for children and young alters) and Spiritual Warfare: Turning Spiritual Attack into Victory.
Challenges for those with Dissociative Identity Disorder
Eight things anyone with Dissociative Identity Disorder needs constant reassurance about:
* Even though the symptoms are disconcerting, you are not going insane.
* Like the rest of humanity, alters can have demons but alters themselves are not demons, even though they can display anti-Christian beliefs and behavior and some alters can believe they are the opposite sex.
* When an alter first reveals himself/herself, unwanted feelings and habits are likely to surface within you that you had thought you had mastered. It can be deeply disturbing both to you and to the other alters. Not surprisingly, it will feel to you as if you are getting worse instead of better. Nevertheless, although it may take a while, each alter will heal and the appearance of a previously unknown alter is a significant step toward peace, joy and fulfillment like you have never before enjoyed.
* We have noted that when one alter finds acceptance, another is likely to think it could be safe enough to make an appearance, and then another alter could be emboldened to appear, and then another . . . So even when a person is experiencing significant healing he/she is seldom able to bask in the benefits before being hit by another challenge. Keep reminding yourself of the progress made and remember that if things were slower, your full healing would be delayed.
* Except for sinning, let your alters express themselves as much as possible when alone or with someone who understands alters. This is vital for your healing and should be allowed even to the extent of letting them embarrass you or even use offensive language if they feel the need to express their pain or hostility.
* Respect alters. Don’t betray their confidence, make decisions without consulting them, and so on. Disregarding this – even accidentally – is likely to create an enemy within, which will, to say the least, be unpleasant and delay your healing.
Writes one of Alice’s alters to one of Jake’s alters, trying to smooth over one such incident:
Please don’t hate Jake. He is hurting and confused, just as you and I are.
* Seek to change alters, not by force or suppression, but by the healing power of ending the alters’ feeling of isolation and rejection, and tenderly ministering the love of Christ and the power of the Gospel to them. Coax and pray them into the realization that God is always forgiving, never angry or judgmental, toward anyone who lets God into his/her heart. Keep reassuring them that God is on their side and is gentle, understanding and wants to bring comfort and take their pain from them.
Continues Alice’s alter in her e-mail to one of Jake’s alters:
We aren’t going to get anywhere if God doesn’t help us. He wants to. It is time for us both to yield to God. You can go to God just as you are with all your pain, confusion and frustration. He will sort out all those things that leave us so confused.
* Despite initial distress, the surfacing of a new alter will not only ultimately lead to the reduction of inner pain, it can mean access to exciting abilities that will delight and/or empower you. It is not only older alters who can prove to be of immense importance. For example, one young alter might have far better short-term memory than the host and other alters. Locked within another young alter might be a huge reserve of creativity, causing a person to soar to heights of creativity beyond anything the person could otherwise achieve. Yet another little alter might have spent years being personally nurtured by God and have amazing spiritual insight and intimacy with God.
If you have alters, those you least expect to have special ability could end up making invaluable contributions to your well-being. Due to abusive toilet training and other traumas, one woman used to have enormous difficulty going to the bathroom. Every alter seemed to have yet another reason for this being traumatic, and delaying relieving herself would plunge her into crippling pain. Her last alter to surface was formed at the age of six. As is usual for anyone with Dissociative Identity Disorder, the woman was unhappy about discovering yet another alter. She had already had to endure the flashbacks and pain of twenty-eight other alters. After a while, however, she discovered that this alter could use the bathroom painlessly. The other alters then learned to rely on this alter when needing to relieve themselves, thus freeing them from pain and embarrassing accidents that had plagued them all their life. For a surprising array of reasons, you have cause to welcome the surfacing of alters, no matter how much discomfort they initially bring.
* You cannot heal alone. You need people. Do all you can, however, not to put all your dependence upon just one human. Try your hardest to spread this among several people and keep working toward your highest attachment – and that of your alters – being with God, and that the host and other alters are seen as the primary human providers of comfort, wisdom and support.
In this article I have drawn almost solely upon my personal experience in helping survivors of child abuse. There are sure to be people better than me in understanding and treating Dissociative Identity Disorder. The one infallible expert, however, is the Lord Jesus Christ, before whom I gladly trash any claim to qualifications or experience. Put no trust in me, but you can truly trust him.
The Next Step
The above link about God, the Bible, & Christian healing leads to another helpful page: How to Find Every Alter & Get Each Alter to Talk. This will then lead to another good page for getting started on the healing journey.
For help in choosing a counselor, see How to Identify a Good Counselor / Therapist.
Tragically, alters are often terrified of their Healer and Best Friend and the safest Person in the universe – Jesus. They fear he will act like their abuser did. For help with this, see Fearing Jesus & Healing Sex Abuse Dissociative Identity Disorder.
For a full list of important help for D.I.D., see Christian Resources: Index of Help for Dissociative Identity Disorder All are very helpful and quite a few are by alters.
For an encouraging webpage about the positive benefits of multiple personalities, see Does Multiple Personality Disorder Create a Superior Brain?
For free help in the full recovery of survivors (male and female) of all forms of sexual interference, see Comfort, Understanding and Healing for Abuse Survivors.
For general help, see How to Comfort the Hurting.
Grantley Morris: healing@net-burst.net
Not to be sold. © Copyright 2007-2012, 2016, 2019 Grantley Morris. May be freely copied in whole or in part provided: it is not altered; this entire paragraph is included; readers are not charged and it is not used in a webpage. Many more compassionate, inspiring, sometimes hilarious writings available free online at www.net-burst.net Freely you have received, freely give. For use outside these limits, consult the author.