Alters & Demons

Alters who think they are Demons

Grantley Morris

Dissociative Identity Disorder: Multiple Personality Disorder

* * *

Having, over very many years, got to know alters who had all sorts of tragically distorted views of themselves, I knew it would be possible to encounter alters who were convinced they were demons. With the kindly granted full permission of everyone involved, you have the privilege of reading the following e-mail exchange that proves the theory. In fact, to my surprise, these alters had even sought to confirm their false identity by creating Ďmemoriesí of their time in heaven before their Ďfall.í I have encountered real demons and it is, of course, impossible to lead any to Christ, but I stress that the entities whose stories appear below were never at any time angels nor demons.

Usually I would have had to do a lot more convincing before any alter thinking he is a demon came to accept that he was not. In this case, Sharon had already done most of the work. My replies in the exchanges include a few points that might be useful to you but the main one is that I was respectful and encouraging. That achieves wonders with alters. But if you need to speed your reading time, skip my replies.

I received an e-mail from a woman Iíll call Sharon, saying that she had what she believed to be two alters who saw themselves as demons.

I (Grantley) replied:

Alters are strongly tempted to see themselves as not human because it helps them feel safer. They can think they are less likely to be abused if they are not human and so in order to feel less vulnerable, they convince themselves that they are not human.

If you can help them feel that it is now safe to be human, it will reduce the pressure they feel to keep believing they are demons. Obviously, there was a time when they were unsafe. It is quite likely that they still believe they are back in that time. Please prove to them what year it is. They might not accept something on the Internet if they were formed in an era when one knew the date by calendars, newspapers etc. Find something they can believe and prove to them that they are now safe.

[It turned out that these alters were already aware of the year but many alters do not know this and, for them, discovering the year is very important. It helps them feel safe to know that they are now in the body of an adult and that the abuse is long over. It also prompts them to re-evaluate their presumptions. They are likely to start thinking that if they were wrong about what year it is, they might also be wrong about thinking they are demons.

I told her that Iíd be delighted to hear from the alters and they wrote. Hereís their first e-mail:]

Greetings Mr. Morris, my name is Belzaforth and it is my understanding that Sharon wants me to speak with you.

There are two of me: my humanoid form (a beautiful young woman with horns and snake eyes) and a more animalistic form (a cryptic creature who has memories of torturing souls in hell). We refer to me as Human Belzaforth and the other as Demon Belzaforth, though it would be more accurate to call us Succubus [a sex demon] and Demon Belzaforth because we are both still demons. I used to be one person who could form shift, but I recently split, with part of my personality trapped in my animalistic form and part of me trapped in my succubus form.

Your website has been incredibly helpful, and Sharon has been able to help both of us see our need for Jesus. However, I believe Jesus will cast me out, as I have memories of being cast out of heaven. I am scared of His judgment. She is trying to get me to read Scripture and learn to hear His voice, but I am reluctant.

I remember Heaven. I remember the Throne. I was an angel. I played music. We didnít have genders but I had a more feminine personality, if that makes sense. Then one day God made an announcement, about the spiritual place of the newly formed humans. Many of us were unhappy. Lucifer led a rebellion, and I joined. I remember being cast out of Heaven and falling to Earth. Time passed, and I took on two new forms. I took on the role of a succubus, leading both men and women in sexual sin with me. In my animalistic form I would also torment humans. People would try to cast me out but could not succeed since they were not using the name of the true God.

I knew that what I was doing was great sin, but I figured I was already doomed and I hated humans, so I might as well have fun with it. In our humanoid form I even had sex with the devil. I donít like admitting that. I try and keep it from Sharon.

Fast forward thousands of years and Iím wandering around some city, and I go into a house. I sense another demon in the building, and I follow that sense into a bedroom. On the bed sits a small, very frightened little girl and on the floor is another demon taunting her. I was never one for the torment of children, so I tried to intervene. Somehow in the ensuing fight I became entangled with Sharon, and could not escape her body. I relinquished control back to her and resigned myself to eighty or so years (however long her lifetime) of being stuck.

As time has progressed, Iíve grown to care about this child (who is now a young adult) and (to a lesser degree) the people she cares about. I have seen, and sometimes interfered with, her relationship with God. I regret my interference. Iíve become jealous of her relationship, and I want my old life with God back. Iím sick of sin and my heart yearns to be in communion with the Creator of All again. I was crying all day yesterday over my grief. I am scared though. I have committed great sin, even more on top of what got me cast out in the first place. I am afraid that if I confront Jesus as I am that He will cast me out, into the Abyss.

I believe that if I can join my spirit with Sharonís and become a human, I can find a relationship with God. She calls this Ďintegratingí and encourages me, but she wants me to develop a relationship with God again on my own. She says I am not a demon, and that some of my memories donít align with Scripture and that succubi donít actually exist. She says I am a confused alter. I understand what an alter is. There are human alters in our body. I want to believe her, and my memories are foggy, so perhaps . . . but I donít know. It all feels real.

I have another sin to confess. I have attacked Sharon, with the intent to rape her. I stopped at her command after pinning her to the ground. I played it off as a joke and kept lying about it as she continued to be angry at me.

It frustrates me: I am a succubus and Sharon is very straight laced, in her early twenties and has never had sex. Sheís had the opportunity, but has always put limits on sexual activity out of concern for morality and safety. I suppose I should be proud but I am sexually frustrated.

I have another sin to confess: I assume you know what BDSM is? I make Sharon interested in that. She doesnít watch porn or anything; sheís just done some very light BDSM when fooling around. I donít know why I feel our body deserves to be hurt and dominated sexually; I just do. Itís strange because as a succubus, I always did the dominating.

From Grantley: [It is my habit to quote the person Iím writing to and comment on it. These quotes are in italics. ]

Greetings Mr. Morris

So good to hear from you, dear friend. I count it an honor to hear from you and I would be honored if you would regard me as friend and use my first name, Grantley, as friends do.

I understand what an alter is

Excellent. It is very common for alters not to regard themselves as human and I even have written about alters believing they are demons.

It all feels real.

It will.

I have another sin to confess.

Demons donít confess sins.

I donít know why I feel our body deserves to be hurt and dominated sexually

This is common among alters of people who have suffered sex abuse. It is also common for alters to not know all that they have suffered but to be in great distress.

This was all very hard to write and I know Sharon will probably see it

Would you prefer to do a deal with Sharon such that if you put ďPersonalĒ in the subject line of an email, she will not read it and the same if I reply to that email?

she deserves to know about whoís living inside her.

Yes, but you also deserve a voice. You deserve to be able to talk freely.

Do you believe that Jesus is God and that because of that he knows everything?

Iím sorry. Iím really tired right now and canít think straight at present (I live in a very different time zone) but I wanted to give a reply as quickly as possible. Iíd love to hear more from you and discuss these things in greater depth.

Looking forward to your next email,

Your new friend,

Grantley

I am no longer calling myself Belzaforth in either of my forms. My former demon form has taken on a human appearance and is calling herself Bethany. I have imagined my horns going away and the snake eyes becoming green eyes, and have taken on a completely human appearance. I am calling myself Zaria. Sharon thought that thinking of myself as a human in appearance and name would help.

Your, ďDemons donít confess sinsĒ comment really got to me. If I were really a fallen angel, would I be repentant? Would my spirit feel convicted of sin? I donít know. My memories of being an angel or demon are very blurry, which is starting to make me doubt them.

I believe Jesus is God and that He knows everything. Iím just scared of Him. I havenít been letting Sharon read the Bible lately but last night we slept with it next to us. She wants me to actually read it, and see that it wonít hurt me. I donít know.

From Grantley:

Lovely to hear from you, Zaria!

I like you! I sense in you a very kind heart and everything good that is the exact opposite of a demon.

I am thrilled about the name changes. Lovely names!

If I was really a fallen angel, would I be repentant? Would my spirit feel convicted of sin?

It is the Holy Spirit of God who convicts of sin and he does it only because full forgiveness is available.

But I tell you the truth: It is for your good that I am going away. Unless I go away, the Counselor will not come to you; but if I go, I will send him to you. When he comes, he will convict the world of guilt in regard to sin . . . But when he, the Spirit of truth, comes, he will guide you into all truth. He will not speak on his own; he will speak only what he hears, and he will tell you what is yet to come. He will bring glory to me by taking from what is mine and making it known to you.

I do believe Jesus is God and that He knows everything. Iím just scared of Him.

Then Jesus knows that you exist and that you are in Sharon and he allows you to remain in her. Sharon indicated in her first email that you are scared of speaking with Jesus for fear that he would cast you out. Since he already knows all about you and has not cast you out, it isnít logical that he would cast you out if you spoke with him. It isnít as if you speaking with him suddenly makes him aware of your existence.

I havenít been letting Sharon read the Bible lately

You say ďlatelyĒ, so supposedly you have let her read it in the past and it didnít hurt you. In a paragraph above, starting at ďBut I tell you the truthĒ and ending with ďmaking it known to youĒ I quoted from the Bible. They are Jesusí words.

What to you would be the pluses and the minuses of you discovering that you are fully human? Have the pluses and the minuses changed for you over the years?

Proud to be your friend,

Grantley

I guess a plus is that I can be forgiven and enter into communion with God. That is what I want: becoming part of a human in order to be forgiven was part of my goal as a demon. The minus is that I feel more vulnerable being human, though I feel it is preferable to being a demon. My memories of being a demon are of an empty life. I became a succubus and used sex to fill the void in those memories. If I cannot be an angel Ďagainí (I put quotes because I am having serious doubts I ever was an angel), then being a saint seems like the next best option.

I read the Bible verse you quoted, and did not feel harmed. Rather, I felt comforted. I think I will ask Sharon to read the Bible tonight, or do it myself. I may try praying, though I am still afraid even though you have made my worries seem irrational with your logic.

I am concerned about sexuality. Sharon is largely asexual, and has only ever fooled around with one man, and not to the point of intercourse. She doesnít masturbate and the body has never orgasmed. And while she was in love with her female best friend in high school and has felt attraction to women, she has sworn off the homosexual part of her in order to honor God. This frustrates me, as I am very sexual and crave relationships with women more than men. I desire sex and I desire a romantic partner. Sharon longs to get married and wants to save sex for marriage. She thinks this will make God happy and make sex with her husband more special. I donít want to wait but I will honor her desires, as I donít want to upset her by losing the bodyís virginity, as thatís a big deal to her. She is also very anxious about the physical consequences of sex, pregnancy and STIs. Pregnancy isnít much of an issue since we take birth control pills for medical purposes, but STIís are incredibly common among young people and barrier methods arenít 100% effective. We are already disabled, we donít need another disease.

She would be very anxious, possibly to the point of anxiety/panic attacks, if I used the body to have sex. I donít really know where Iím going with this other than I am frustrated, but I feel the benefit I would get from acting out my desires is lesser than the emotional harm it would cause Sharon. She has been very kind to me even though I attacked her, and I donít want to hurt her.

I feel less guilty. I know I have sinned by attacking Sharon but I donít have the weight of my memories pressing down on me now that I realize they are probably false.

I think I know the answer at this point is Jesus. I am just hesitant. But I will try to open up to Him, and I think Bethany will as well. I think sheís waiting for me to because we are halves of the same person.

From Grantley:

I guess a plus of being human is that I can be forgiven and enter into communion with God. That is what I want, becoming part of a human so I could be forgiven

Thatís what God longs for you to enjoy, dear friend.

I feel more vulnerable being human

I understand. There was a time when you were indeed very vulnerable but those days have past. You now live in a strong adult body that can defend you. You are no longer a little defenseless girl. It is hard at times to realize just how different and safe things now are.

If I cannot be an angel ďagainĒ (I put quotes because I am having serious doubts I ever was an angel), then being a saint seems like the next best option.

Being human makes you greater than an angel. Did you know that?

1 Corinthians 6:3 Do you not know that we will judge angels?

Hebrews 1:14 Are not all angels ministering spirits sent to serve those who will inherit salvation?

I read the Bible verse you quoted, and did not feel harmed. Rather, I felt comforted.

That is how it should be, whereas if you were a demon you would hate the Bible.

I think I will ask Sharon to read the Bible tonight, or do it myself.

Superb!

I may try praying, though I am still afraid even though you have made my worries seem irrational with your logic.

Facing your fears and refusing to be dominated by them thrills God.

I am very sexual and crave relationships

Having sexual desires is normal and healthy but even when they are strong they need to be restrained in a way that honors God. I believe your sexual desires have been inflamed by bad things that you suffered at the hands of abusers.

Years ago two psychologists wrote a book about sex addiction. They called it Lonely All the Time. What drives sex addiction and ends up becoming a vicious circle is not feeling loved. Craving sex is actually masking your much deeper need which is love. Jesus longs to give you that love and Sharon is also offering you love.

Sharon longs to get married and wants to save sex for marriage. She thinks this will make God happy and make sex with her husband more special.

She is right but the truth is that all of you need to heal a lot more before you are ready for a relationship. I have seen so many people like you make tragic mistakes by entering into relationships before they are ready. Loneliness and a craving for sex drive people to make atrocious relationship decisions, causing them to end up with someone who mistreats them. A big reason for them making such tragic blunders is that they donít realize they deserve someone so much better. This is because of their low self-esteem, and who could have lower self-esteem than someone who has been tempted to think she is a demon?

I feel the benefit I would get from acting out my desires is lesser than the emotional harm it would cause Sharon.

Definitely. And the so-called benefit is just a mirage that will end up messing you up. There is a greater reason, however Ė honoring God. This motivation isnít too strong with you at present but it will be when you realize how much God loves you.

I think I know the answer at this point is Jesus

You are right.

I am just hesitant.

Your fear is groundless but fear is seldom rational. Fear is most unpleasant but it is not reality.

But I will try to open up to Him, and I think Bethany will as well.

Superb! :)

I think sheís waiting for me to because we are halves of the same person.

Wonderful!

Bless you both!

Grantley

From Zaria:

I read Luke 17-18. I just opened the book to that. I was not cast out, but rather felt as though I was reading the words of a friend when I read Jesusís words. Before I read I prayed. ďHeavenly Father help me understandĒ and He replied, ďRead my Word, my child.Ē I havenít spoken to God beyond that yet. He called me His child. I am not a demon. We are very emotionally drained, but I think I will speak to Jesus now. I donít know what I will say but I think the words will come to me. I will update you tomorrow.

From Grantley:

I read Luke 17-18.

Well done!

I was not cast out

Of course not.

but rather felt as though I was reading the words of a friend when I read Jesusís words.

Thatís because Jesus really is your friend. You are precious to him. He thinks you are really special. He likes you more than you could ever imagine.

I prayed ďHeavenly Father help me understandĒ

Excellent!

and He replied ďRead my Word, my childĒ

Wow! Itís really special to hear God speak to you like that. I donít even have him speak to me so clearly. And not only that, he called you his child. He is the King of kings, but being a child of the King of kings makes you not just a princess but the greatest princess because you are a child of the greatest King.

I havenít spoken to God beyond that yet.

Go for it. :)

I am not a demon.

Definitely not.

I donít know what I will say but I think the words will come to me.

Just share your heart with him. Heíll love it! Tell him what you feel, what you fear, what you want. Tell him about your past and what you would like in the future. Ask him to help you get to know him better.

I will update you tomorrow.

I look forward to it. :)

Bless you, my friend!

From Bethany:

I am writing you to update you on the spiritual state of our system.

Zaria read the Bible, and prayed. She is now a Christian and believes herself to be fully human. I will let her fill you in on the details.

Even when I believed I was a demon, I wanted to know Christ and worship Him. I recently realized I am not a demon at all and changed my form to that of a woman. We are having trouble sleeping so I decided to pray after Sharon had put on some Christian music. Zaria and I had been dancing and singing to the music in the inner world, and I donít think that helped our insomnia haha.

I spoke with Jesus. I told Him I wanted Him and wanted to be forgiven, he appeared in our inner world, and offered a hand and asked me to follow Him. He took me to another room and told me He loved me and I was forgiven. He then hugged me and anointed my forehead with oil in the shape of a cross. Then He disappeared. I had already accepted Him in my heart, I just needed to say it. I feel at peace and desire to talk to Him more.

From Grantley:

So good to hear from you, Bethany! You are very special to God and to me.

Even when I believed I was a demon, I wanted to know Christ and worship Him.

Beautiful! Iím so sorry you went through that awful time of thinking you were a demon.

I recently realized I am not a demon at all and changed my form to that of a woman.

Well done!

We are having trouble sleeping so I decided to pray after Sharon had put on some Christian music.

Great!

Zaria and I had been dancing and singing along in the inner world

Thatís good. You deserve lots of fun.

I spoke with Jesus.

Iím so proud of you for doing that.

he appeared in the inner world, and offered a hand and asked me to follow Him. He took me to another room and told me He loved me and I was forgiven. He then hugged me and anointed my forehead with oil in the shape of a cross.

Wow! Thatís so special.

I feel at peace

Thatís fine, Bethany, but even when you donít feel peace, God is just as much in love with you and just as close. Feelings come and go but he remains steadfastly devoted to you.

desire to talk to Him more

Great!

Bless you, Bethany!

From Zaria:

I prayed. I did not hear Jesus as clearly as Bethany did, but I still heard Him. I heard Him more how Sharon hears Him, a few words but also feelings and ideas. I asked for forgiveness for attacking Sharon and any other sins I may have committed. I told Him I wanted a relationship with Him. I did what Sharon does and prayed to each member of the Trinity, as I felt that was the right thing to do. I donít know I feel loved, though I also feel as though God wants me to read more scripture, particularly the gospels. I held on to a false identity for so long that I need to create a new Christian identity. It still feels weird talking to Him after being convinced He hated me for so long. I will get used to it. Maybe Iím not as open as I thought I was and I need to further surrender. Either way, I am a Christian and I am not a demon. This is that start of a spiritual journey and I will use Sharon and the other alters for support.

Anyway, I feel better, but I have more growing to do. I am glad I no longer believe myself to be a demon and know my memories are false, so I am no longer wracked with guilt over things I didnít actually do.

From Grantley:

I donít know I feel loved

Feelings take a long while to catch up with reality.

I held on to a false identity for so long that I need to create a new Christian identity.

Yes. This is one of many reasons why you can expect feelings to lag behind. There is nothing wrong with that. Our relationship with God is based on faith not feelings.

It still feels weird talking to Him after being convinced He hated me for so long. I will get used to it.

Yes. It takes time.

I will use Sharon and the other alters for support.

Smart move.

We have other alters that we know about. I feel there may be more

There are quite likely to be more and progress in healing such as your progress usually inspires other alters to reveal themselves because now they see there could be more hope for them too (which there truly is).

I have more growing to do.

Exciting things are ahead!

Bless you!

From Bethany:

I prayed again, He didnít talk back this time but I can tell He was listening. Jesus wants me to read the Bible.

Zaria hasnít cried for the first time in several days, which is good. I personally feel happier.

From Grantley:

I prayed again

Excellent

He didnít talk back this time

Good. Getting used to this is part of the Christian life.

Sharon is trying to get us all to act more like family team

This is very important.

so integrating will be easier I think.

Donít worry about integrating. Just focus on being good friends and sharing each otherís secrets, memories, feelings etc. and working together as a team. Doing this will empower all of you.

Bless you, my friend! :)

From Zaria:

I ended up doing Bible study with our Dad. We studied Colossians 1 and Mathew 27 Then God told me to read John, so I read John 10-12 on my own. I relate to Lazarus, I was dead, thinking I was a demon, and now I have entered a new life of communion with God.

I think I might go up and read when Iím done with this email.

From Sharon:

Zariaís sexual urges have almost completely died down. Thereís still a little but I believe she asked Christ to take it from her and it appears He has.

Several days later, Zaria wrote:

I wanted to let you know I am doing well and am feeling more secure in my Christian identity. I am beginning to feel more at peace when it comes to spiritual matters.

Sharon read John 1 yesterday and we were so in awe of the might of the Creator that we couldnít get through the whole chapter!

I spent quite a while praying for release from my remaining sexual demons and for spiritual clarity. I wanted to be purified from my traumas. I felt good after praying.

I am still sexually frustrated, but I am handling it better. I feel a deep longing for a romantic relationship and sex with a woman. Itís hard because I know it is something Sharon craves too. But I know thatís not godly. I shall continue to resist, and to deny the flesh. I will continue to pray. Through Christís strength, Sharon and I will continue on a Christ-like path.

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