Mother Son Sex Abuse
Male Survivor of Mother’s Sexual Abuse
In this website, several men have courageously permitted me to share their stories of being sexually abused by women when they were boys. So great is the common ignorance in society about this form of sexual abuse that it is not easy finding men willing to talk openly about their childhood sexual abuse, especially by female abusers. It took Scott decades to reach the point of being brave enough to share the following.
When I was little my mother was very violent. I needed stitches for several of the cuts she inflicted. Once she knocked me out by breaking a glass object over my head. She scared me so much that I was in fear for my life in my own home. She ridiculed me and humiliated me over and over again.
My mother molested me for about a year when I was about five years old. My father was gone for long periods and we were geographically isolated from relatives. She could not cope, so she had sex with me. She would sit on my face and force me to give her oral sex. I was terrified, thinking I was going to suffocate. The conflicting thing is that it was only at these times that she would touch me, and being so deprived of it, I ached for some love and attention. She used my need for her love as a control. I spent my entire childhood trying to gain her acceptance. It never came.
I had trouble sleeping in my own bed in my own home because of fear my mother would come in and molest me and or kill me. I used to make my bed look like I was in it, but I was really sleeping on the floor or in the closet or under the bed. As I grew a little bit older, maybe third grade, I would just lie awake all night, only able to let myself get a little sleep when I saw a glimmer of the sun coming up.
The shame of what I suffered was so great that I wanted to die. I could not talk about it for decades. I remember in first grade being told that the worst swear word was “mother ----” – accusing someone of having incestuous sex with his own mother. I would think, “This is what I am.”
For decades afterwards I had trouble sleeping. Fear dogged me at night. I would be nervous about how the doors were locked or who was near, in the house or outside. I would mentally rehearse escape routes. I would get night sweats and soak the bed. I would go from bed to couch to floor to bed. To get sleep I would have to drink until I passed out.
I had a problem with all kinds of addictions during my teenage years and during my twenties. When I got clean and sober I was plagued with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. In my thirties, I gave my life to my Creator.
It has taken over ten years of therapy and church and spiritual fellowship to be able to talk about this and not feel like I should be ashamed. I did nothing wrong.
If there is anything good to come out of all that I suffered it is that I feel closer to my Creator than ever and I feel lucky to have such a great relationship with God. An understanding about my place in creation has come to me and I know I am blessed.
It is healing to write about this. I have nothing to hide anymore and I am not ashamed at what happened. I was a little innocent child and I did nothing wrong. I know now that everything can be turned to good, with God’s help. What a relief to understand myself and know that I’m not crazy. What a blessing and a joy to know that God is love and that I am loved and that life is good!
Reclaiming Lost Opportunities
The Dilemma of Feeling Pleasure When Abused
© 2008, Grantley Morris. May be freely copied in whole or in part provided: it is not altered; this entire paragraph is included; readers are not charged and it is not used in a webpage. Many more compassionate, inspiring, sometimes hilarious writings available free online at www.net-burst.net Freely you have received, freely give. For use outside these limits, consult the author.
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