Just as Job suffered more tragedy and Paul had far more painful persecution than you or I are ever likely to experience, so you have no reason to think that your trial in being single will be nearly as intense or as prolonged as mine. In any case, pain is not something to be feared, nor despised.

A pain-free life doesn’t rate with me. My passion is a regret-free eternity. Still closer to my heart is a life that maximizes God’s glory, no matter what the cost. And because of this, since my early twenties I have made special, voluntary commitments to God that have caused me to remain unmarried. (I chose my path in humble submission to my Lord’s right to over-ride my choice, if his wisdom so dictates.) Pain has resulted, but as the early Christians discovered, it is a priceless honor to suffer for the One who agonized on the cross. My Lord gave his all for me, even though I deserve nothing. Is it any wonder that I long to give my all to the One who deserves everything?

Although I had proved overseas that at least in a somewhat artificial environment I could enjoy total victory, I had let myself slip back slightly until the glory of my final victory was somewhat tainted, in that I eventually had some additional help that you might not have. Except for a prolonged mid-life crisis inflaming the situation, age definitely helped me by lowering my sex drive. I wish I could claim to have maintained the highest conceivable standards when it was hardest to do so. It was rather like forgiving someone, in that although in Christ we have the power to forgive immediately, the passing of time makes it easier, especially if we keep trying.

Had I practiced earlier and more consistently the pain-minimizing principles I’ve outlined, there would have been much less anguish in my life. Imagine an addict who suffers withdrawal symptoms until he is free, then returns to his addiction, then kicks the habit again, then returns, and keeps churning through these cycles over and over. Acting like that would cause so much unnecessary trauma. There is sure to have been some of that in my life. I should also have prayed for more contentment and for God’s strategies of coping. I think I was reluctant to find contentment, fearing that if I could be content while single it proved I wasn’t meant to marry. (I assume it’s just a coincidence that the course in logic I took at university was rather short.)

Nevertheless, a portion of my pain was not due to my foolishness and for every bit of that pain I praise my loving Lord. Suppose that although I desperately need money, I give the Lord $100 as an expression of my love for him. The next day that same $100 note miraculously appears in my pocket. I am then faced with a new challenge. Will I spent that money on myself or give it back to the Lord? I struggle for a while, then give it to the Lord again. In so doing, I am simply returning a gift, not giving something new. I had not earned a cent of that ‘second’ $100. Next day, I find that $100 note again, go through a whole new struggle and again return it to the Lord. This continues everyday for thirty years. When I get to heaven I discover that although I have really only given that one $100 note over ten thousand times, I am credited with having given to the Lord over a million dollars. My reward is literally ten thousand times more than it would otherwise have been, simply because the Lord kept graciously returning that gift, allowing me to hand it back again and again. That is the final blessing of those who choose to deny themselves for the Lord’s sake, and yet the longing to indulge keeps coming back.

Like a personal fitness coach who longs for me to reach my highest potential, many of God’s training sessions induce pain, but by them I reach new heights. Our Lord trains many people through marital trials, but his individualized training program for me has been different. Had it not been for the pain of being single I would be a lesser person than I presently am. I would be even less Christlike, and even less able to minister God’s compassion and wisdom and healing to hurting people. So, like all Christ’s disciples, I daily shoulder my cross, rejoicing in the perfection of God’s ways, knowing that while others may experience temporary pleasure, my Lord is preparing you and me for eternal glory.

The Sleeping Giant

We do not have to struggle through life over-burdened with demanding, out-of-control sexual urges. As impossible as it seems, we can actually put our libidos to sleep. The bad news is that the reason it seems impossible is that it takes enormous effort and self-denial to put our demanding desires to sleep. Like naughty children, our sex drives do not want to settle down. The only way to get your hyperactive sex drive to sleep is the same way to get a hyperactive child to sleep – keep denying it things that will keep it excited. You have to keep telling it things like: “No, you can’t watch five minutes more television. It will give you bad dreams and disturb your sleep. No, you can’t play your computer game. You’ll want to do it over and over rather than sleep. No, you can’t play with your friend. You’ll get too excited and never settle down. No, you can’t have a drink.”

To the child that you are trying to settle, life seems filled with frustrating ‘no’s. “But Tommy’s allowed to do it! It’s not fair! Just one more time. This little thing won’t hurt.” On and on the excuses and fights go. The child simply cannot believe that if denied these things now, he will feel better later and he will actually enjoy these activities more than ever after a refreshing sleep. It’s far from easy, but if we are strict with this demanding child and keep saying no and consistently enforce it, eventually, to our great relief, he will settle.

It’s awfully quiet in there, we tell ourselves, What’s he up to? So we go in to check on him. Sure enough we disturb him and we have to start the process over again. But this time it’s a little easier. He’s a little more settled. Finally, he’s asleep. Now we can have peace. At last we can do what we want without his annoying demands pestering us. But we become overconfident and start acting as if he is not merely asleep, but not even there. Before long we get carried away with our new-found freedom and do something that disturbs him. He’s awake again, screaming for attention. Will this never end? we ask ourselves in frustration. We get him back to sleep again. After a while, like a nervous new mother, we begin to worry. Is he alright? What if he’s dead? We go in to check. He’s awfully still. We panic and, like a fool, wake him. Yet again we have to settle him.

That’s how we put our sex drives to sleep. We keep stubbornly denying it things that will excite it, refusing to heed its excuses and demands and protests. For a very long time it will seem impossible to get it to calm down but if we persist for long enough, eventually it will quieten. And when it finally settles, we have to remain vigilant, consistently avoiding anything that will wake it. After this success, we must resist the fear that nags us to keep checking that it hasn’t died in its sleep. It will take months of effort. Over and over, it will seem that giving in to its “little” demands will give us more peace than being so strict. But if we see through its tricks, things will gradually get easier and easier. And if we don’t give up we will begin reaping the rewards. Our sexual urges will sleep for longer and longer times and when they wake they will settle more easily. And if ever the Lord were to open the door to marriage, our desires can awaken, invigorated from a refreshing sleep that has kept them from foolishness and from harm.

Wrap Up

Our loving Lord has the perfect solution to our present dilemma. We must be aware, however, that the perfect solution is the one we will be eternally thankful for, not necessarily the one that sends tingles down our spine in the short term. Our short term happiness is often at odds with maximizing our long term good. See Life’s Mysteries Explained for more about this most important principle. Trials bring with them such blessings that God’s Word says we should rejoice whenever they come our way. Scripture insists that there are definite spiritual advantages in being single (1 Corinthians 7). And there can be unexpected downsides to marriage. For instance, if ever there was a marriage made in heaven, it was Adam and Eve’s. And yet Eve, God’s perfect choice for Adam, led Adam into sin and lifelong regret.

Even in our present pain, there is much to delight in. It is particularly important not to rob ourselves of God’s unique comfort by harboring the slightest ill-feeling toward our Maker. When all is revealed we will be in awe at the perfection of God’s decisions; praising him forever for his choices and loathing ourselves for the times we foolishly wished God would act differently or for times we blamed him for things that actually grieve him as deeply as they grieve us.

True Love: Stripping away the plastic love of romantic fiction and fairy tales to find the genuine article is a helpful webpage for stemming the unrealistic marital expectations that increase a single person’s pain.

We can understand singles resorting to daydreaming, romantic fiction, porn and masturbation to compensate for their lack of real relationships, yet each of these mirages set people up for life-long frustration; fostering yearnings that no real-life relationship can ever meet. Don’t become a dog chasing its tail. Break free and enjoy life to the full. For help in beating addictions, see Becoming a Winner!