My distress extends beyond physical afflictions. A year and a half ago I developed agoraphobia. I think this came about as a result of my illnesses because I would go out and feel unwell. Eventually I ended up feeling anxious about leaving the house.

I crave affection from girls and I have never had a girlfriend and never been kissed. My agonizingly strong sexual urges remain unfulfilled. I have had a high heel shoe fetish since I was about six years old and I was so sad to give it up because it was my only escape, but it had to go for God’s sake. I praise God for giving me the grace to give it up.

Permanent depression has been the result of my never-ending nightmare and I have felt suicidal for the last five years.

No one understands my torment and so I cannot even be bothered talking to anyone at church about it because they are carefree and assume everything is the same for me. I hate having to pretend to be happy so that they do not start assuming my walk with the Lord is unsatisfactory. When all is revealed and all my brethren hear all that I ever went through, they will be extremely surprised because I have kept it hidden.

I came to www.net-burst.net under the worst of circumstances. For many months I had been questioning my existence because everyday I have permanent heartache and inner pain. I am always lonely, with no friends. I did not understand why God was allowing this to happen to his child when it seems not even the most evil people in the world suffer even half as severely as I do.

Just before I discovered www.net-burst.net, I had been in the kitchen. I just burst into tears and clenched my teeth in bitter anger at my frustration. I grabbed a knife and pressed it near my throat. I rationalized that what I was about to do could not be any more painful than the last five years put together. So out of immense hatred for myself, especially over never having been kissed, I was about to cut as deep as I could, hard and fast out of the quintessence of frustration. But the demon that was urging me on did not prevail. A small voice inside said, “See what there is on the Internet regarding the Christian perspective to suicide.” So I typed in Google “Christians tempted by suicide” and that is when I came across Grantley’s wonderful webpages.

These pages came with a bonus as they were written by a person who is over 50 years old and has never had sex. I look to Grantley as my spiritual leader and his nephew, Leigh, as my mentor in suffering because Leigh suffers extremely.

Grantley has taught me to praise God during suffering. At first I thought he was out of his mind when he said that time spent praising God during suffering is precious.

Praising God in the midst of suffering was difficult at first but it got easier and easier until now it is a joy to be so much in love with God that the suffering is overlooked and I sometimes experience what I call a three-foot-in-the-air feeling, as I declare:

Worthy is the Lamb who was and is and is to come. Worthy are you, Lord Jesus, who suffered horrifically for me and who was slain for me and this suffering is all I could ever pathetically give in return. Worthy are you Lord Jesus who sits at the right hand of God the Father Almighty and who will be coming on the clouds of heaven. Hallelujah! May that Day quicken its approach. All praise and glory and wisdom and honor and thanks and power and strength and adoration be to my God for ever and ever Amen.

This is no ritual. I say it from the depths of my heart and soul in adoration of the Most High God and His Son, the Lord Jesus Christ knowing, that he will compensate me extravagantly and I just overlook my suffering and resist my temptations as I eagerly look forward to the day when all my friends will come to my mansion in heaven and receive copies from an angel detailing our every ounce of suffering we had during our lifetime on earth. Then we will laugh ourselves silly, over how our suffering has been completely swallowed up by our reward.

I once calculated that, on the basis of average life expectancy, I will have 25,000 days of agony, baring a divine miracle or medical breakthrough. That’s about 2.16 billion seconds. It’s only a matter of seconds, and it’s diminishing by multiplied thousands of seconds each day. There are people in the world who have more dollars than the maximum number of seconds in which I will suffer! So even if my torment were to last a lifetime, my suffering is only temporary and grows shorter by the day, whereas my reward is eternal and grows every day, as I faithfully serve my King.

Suicide is no option as I dwell on the greater glory at the other end. Remember how in the Old Testament Jacob’s love for Rachel was so great that his seven years of labor to gain her seemed but a few days to him and he willingly worked yet another seven years for her (Genesis 29:20-28)? In the same way, I am trying to make my love for Christ so great that my time on earth will seem but a few days. From that thought, a very exciting picture has emerged.

Every night as I go to bed, I say to God. “Lord, how will I be able to serve you tomorrow?” And as I wake up, although I am still sick, I have a stupendous reason to exist, which is achieve things of eternal significance by serving the glorious King of kings, who alone is truly good and is the most exciting, beautiful, loving and powerful person in existence. Nothing makes me happier. It is the only reason why I would ever want to live a long life.

I like setting myself challenges to better serve my Lord because this way all life’s miseries are swallowed up in true adoration for Christ. I have immense joy knowing that I am doing the will of my Father in heaven.