One Womanís Shame

Is this for You?

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A woman e-mailed the following to me. Of course, I share it only with her full permission. She has Dissociative Identity Disorder but, as is often the case, she has difficulty even accepting this fact.

    I have had a few hours alone to journal and talk to God. I felt different tonight, so I just wrote what was on my mind from the Ďflirtatiousí part of myself I am calling Shirley. What she wrote shocked and sickened me. She said she wanted a certain man in her past to rape her. Actually, I knew she had those thoughts but not to that extent! I canít believe that I even sharing this. I donít understand at all. My best friend and I used to joke a long time ago that we had rape fantasies. I am ashamed to say more about it.

    After this, I had a good time of repentance with Jesus. I remembered that I saw my fatherís pornography mags when I was about ten. I had wanted to be like those girls. [Almost certainly the ten-year-oldís desire to be a porn star reflected just how starved of love she had been.]

    I told Shirley that it was not the 1990s anymore. I need her help in life but these things are holding me back. I felt a submission inside me from Shirley. She prayed with Jesus.

    I donít know what I am doing trying to talk to myself and it seems crazy. When I was journaling I did notice a slightly different handwriting from Shirley. I shredded the page after. [Presumably out of shame.]

    I love my husband. This is all so strange.