Help for Male Victims of Incest

By Grantley Morris

Boys Molested by Their Mothers


Men Recovering from Sex Abuse

Sexually Abused Boys

Female Sex Offenders

To be subjected to incest is a deeply wounding experience. Just as ignoring an infected wound will only make things worse, so trying to ignore past sex abuse only magnifies the damage. Until courageously facing the issues in order to heal, incest victims are typically riddled with false shame and feel like freaks and isolated, but even more so for male victims of female sex offenders because such offenses are shrouded in such secrecy that few people are aware that female sex offenders even exist.

Men who were sexually abused as boys can usually find far less support and understanding than their female counterparts and the most isolated of all are men who were molested by their own mothers.

I am grateful to the two men who have let me share with you their stories below.

A man wrote to me saying:

    I am a male who was sexually abused by my mother and possibly my grandmother. I have never heard of another boy who has had this happen, nor anyone who has recovered from it. I didnít start remembering these incidents until I was 23.

    I am deeply disturbed by this, and act out the fantasies with older women at great risk to myself and my health. I donít like to protect myself during sex, as if I have some kind of a death wish.

I replied that one of my closest friends had been sexually molested by his mother. My friend ended up writing to this man. Hereís a slightly edited version of what he said:

    Until now I have not met another man who has acknowledged being abused by his mother, or any other female. Usually, we men do not disclose as readily as women because of our make up, and also because of preconceived ideas of what a man is. We fear that somehow it may affect our manliness if others knew. This is truly not the case. We are only able to grow into the full stature of a man when we face with honesty the wounds that have hindered us.

    You have shown great courage: first, by disclosing what you have suffered, and second, by desiring to be healed. You have truly honored me by letting me know how I may pray for you. Thank you.

    My heart goes out to you, brother. I am sorry that you have endured such torment.

    I was abused by my mother as an infant with oral sex and fondling. Even as I write this, my heart is full of anxiety because it is an issue that the Lord is still working on and healing. Although Jesus has brought me a long way from where I was, there is still work to be done, internally.

    One of the things that I struggled with immensely was feeling real good during the abuse and enjoying touch. It has helped me come to terms with what happened to realize that we were made for touch. Our bodies could do nothing other than respond the way they did. It is the person who touched us inappropriately who is the guilty party. Grantley has a webpage on this subject that has helped me to understand touch and infant and child sexuality. It is called The Dilemma of Feeling Pleasure When Abused [the link appears at the end of this page].

    So I know from my own experience how the torment of sexual abuse is also mixed with pleasure. This ends up making it doubly tormenting. Then, after entering into those fantasies or acting them out, the feelings of guilt and shame come in. Then come the questions and accusations. How could I have enjoyed such a thing! There must be something wrong with me. The devastating feelings of condemnation go on, and are too deep to even express.

    So I sympathize with your plight, and struggles. I would like to let you know that you are not alone in the pain that you bear. Others have walked this path of healing, and have taken the journey toward wholeness.

    Those of us who have suffered horrific abuse have a love deficit that only Jesus can fill. Even after I came to Jesus, and belonged to him, I still did not understand this, nor did I know that it was my greatest need. I have found that it is only through receiving our fill of deep, unconditional love that we are free to grow and become the men that our hearts desire, and that Jesus desires us to be.

    You are greatly loved with a love that will not ever fade away, and this love is not contingent on your actions, nor what has happened in the past.

    Healing first starts with an intimate relationship with Jesus Christ, who is the healer of hearts. He came to heal the brokenhearted and release the oppressed (Luke 4:18; Isaiah 61:1). Jesus is not only concerned with our being saved from hell but also with our hearts and the pain that is lodged deep within that hinders our growth, and at times blinds us to truth. The pain has caused me (as you also have found) to act in ways contrary to what I desired.

    One way that our God has been bringing healing to me is by mothering me with a tender, sweet, pure, nurturing, holy love that I have never known. I needed, and still at times need, to feel that I am loved tenderly in a nurturing, pure holy way. God has been filling that need with himself. To understand the love of God as a mother, see the webpage God, Like a Perfect Mother. [Listed at the end of this page.]

    This may at first sound strange to you but remember that God is neither male nor female. He created man (male and female) in his image. Therefore the attributes that we associate with the female gender, specifically a motherís love, are also attributes of God. One of the reasons I acted out in fantasies, and other things in this area was because I was always searching, craving a motherís love. The way our mothers expressed that love was in abuse, which is not love at all. Down deep we have known that all our lives, even if we could not understand, due to the effects of the abuse. I would encourage you to ask our God to mother you. To fill that unmet need.

    You may be reeling at this point. Your thoughts may be something like this: ďIím a man. I donít need a motherís love. And could God mother me anyhow?Ē I know I had such thoughts. The type of closeness that Father wanted to give me just blew me away. At times I have fought it, and yet also craved it. Now I just let him love on me as he sees best. It feels so good, and it is pure. For he knows all things, including everything you have need of Ė things that were stolen from you, or not provided for you when you were young.

    God wants to bless you in this. I have heard the Holy Spirit speak to me his word saying, ďAs a mother carries her child on her hip so I have carried you,Ē (compare with Isaiah 66:12), along with other scriptures that verify that God does meet this need, and has this intimate tender nurturing love.

    May our God fill you will understanding and all wisdom. May you find peace, rest, healing, and comfort in his arms of love.

* * *

Significant Links

Enjoying the Depth of Godís Safe Love for You

God, Like a Perfect Mother

Sexually Molested as a Boy

Son Sexually Abused by Mother

Sex Abuse Recovery Video/Documentary for Men

Man Raped: No-One Believed Him!

When Being an Incest Victim Does Not Feel Real or Bad

Reclaiming Lost Opportunities
By a male child abuse survivor

Jim Bakker: Sexually Molested as Child and as an Adult

An Insiderís Testimony
By one of the multiple personalities of a man who was gang raped

Extreme Grace
The story of a man who suffered extreme child abuse

The Dilemma of Feeling Pleasure When Abused
Includes discussion of mother-son abuse

Much More About Healing From Sexual Abuse

Personalized support
Grantley Morris:

© 2008, Grantley Morris. May be freely copied in whole or in part provided: it is not altered; this entire paragraph is included; readers are not charged and it is not used in a webpage. Many more compassionate, inspiring, sometimes hilarious writings available free online at  Freely you have received, freely give. For use outside these limits, consult the author.

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